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I remained in control the whole time and made the decision myself, but...

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
Reading the thread about being jealous of those who birthed vaginally and took it for granted (those who never researched, prepared, didn't care about having a c-section, etc.) really made me stop and think.

I did everything I could to prepare for a natural childbirth. I got a midwife, went to a NCB-friendly hospital, etc. My birth story is posted here:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1224782

As you can read, I made all of the decisions. My C/S wasn't birth rape, and it was as wonderful as a C/S can possibly be. However: in the months since then, I have felt increasing guilt over my choices. I wonder daily if I hadn't gotten the epidural, would I still have wound up with a c/s? Did I give DS the best possible chance for a normal birth?

I'm going to do everything I can to prepare for a 100% natural childbirth next time. (No epidural!) I'm just scared, because it was so freaking painful last time. I'm afraid I'll labor again for 21 hours and be in agony and give in and get the epidural again. And with each c/s, it gets harder and harder to convince a HCP to let you VBAC, and I'm just worried that I'll never get a vaginal birth. We are also planning to move back to my hometown in the next few years, which is VERY VBAC-unfriendly. I would attempt a homebirth, but I'm just scared that I'll wind up in excruciating pain again and want an epidural.

Is this guilt normal? Will it go away? What can I do to get my VBAC next time?
post #2 of 6
I think for most women there is part of their birth, or many parts, that they wonder "what if." It sounds like you are starting to mourn what you lost, guilt being an appropirate grieveing response.

Will it go away? I can't answer that for you but for me after my horrificially traumtic c-section that included a sexual assualt I have recovered emotionally. I've reached a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

What can you do to get your VBAC? Prep for any outcome. The hardest thing for me was accepting that another c-section was possible and mentally role-playing how I would feel, how my family would feel, etc.

As for what I've read in your birth story. I think you'd very much benefit from staying home longer or planning a homebirth if you're comfortable, having a doula, and doing as much spinning babies exercises that you can. Also try a few labor coping techniques (the more tools to work through the labor the better!). Sending you and healing.
post #3 of 6
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyRN View Post
I'm afraid I'll labor again for 21 hours and be in agony and give in and get the epidural again.
You could also think about ways to train yourself to deal with pain. Distance running is really great for that. If you learn to to run a 10K, even though it hurts sometimes, you'll feel better about delivery. Running teaches that pain is just a feeling. It's just information that your body is giving you. You can learn to feel it and not fight it and let it pass through you.

I really think being a runner taught me a lot of things about dealing with pain that helped me during labor and delivery.
post #4 of 6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Right of Passage View Post
What can you do to get your VBAC? Prep for any outcome. The hardest thing for me was accepting that another c-section was possible and mentally role-playing how I would feel, how my family would feel, etc.
This helps me a lot with lots of situations. If I think about the worse outcome and plan what I'm going to do with the worse outcome, I can relax and work towards a better outcome, because I already know what the worse possible outcome is and what I'm going to do if that happens.
post #5 of 6


We all second guess ourselves. You made the right choices for you at the time. Every birth is different. Have hope and maybe find an ICAN for support near you.
post #6 of 6
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyRN View Post
Is this guilt normal? Will it go away?


Yes, the guilt is normal. I don't know if it will go away, but the weight of it will probably lessen with time. Like the PP said, it's true that we all second guess ourselves.
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