I'm posting here first, as I do think this is a multiples issue and hope some of you with older twins have experience/ideas that might help. The sibling dynamics just seem different (stronger!) than what my friends with close-in-age singletons experience.
My boy/girl twins are 8 1/2. They have always had a love/hate relationship. They can (briefly) be the best of friends, but spend a large chunk of their time antagonizing and attacking each other. Both DH and I are only children and this aspect of parenting is by far the hardest for me to deal with. We are an AP family and *try* to practice gentle discipline, but my resolve sure fails by the end of a long day where they spend the majority of their time fighting. We also homeschool, so are together for the majority of our time.
They seemed to have learned some really negative patterns of interaction. I know a lot of it is because it's "safe" to fight with their sibling, when they might not feel safe challenging a friend in the same way. So it seems like they use that relationship as a way to release frustration and anger from other sources. But I think it's detrimental to their relationship and I worry about how it affects them.
Plus, it's driving me CRAZY
They can't be in the car together without poking/throwing/hitting. They know each others "buttons" and find great joy in getting an angry response.
I spend a lot of time wondering if we've done something wrong. Is this normal?!? There are lots of days when I think if we'd been more skilled at teaching communication strategies and responsiveness when upset, we'd have fewer conflicts. And other days I think we simply should be more punitive. Gentle disipline and discipline strategies that rely on attachment seem wonderful long-term, but what about the day-to-day?!? What tools work with your older children?
My boy/girl twins are 8 1/2. They have always had a love/hate relationship. They can (briefly) be the best of friends, but spend a large chunk of their time antagonizing and attacking each other. Both DH and I are only children and this aspect of parenting is by far the hardest for me to deal with. We are an AP family and *try* to practice gentle discipline, but my resolve sure fails by the end of a long day where they spend the majority of their time fighting. We also homeschool, so are together for the majority of our time.
They seemed to have learned some really negative patterns of interaction. I know a lot of it is because it's "safe" to fight with their sibling, when they might not feel safe challenging a friend in the same way. So it seems like they use that relationship as a way to release frustration and anger from other sources. But I think it's detrimental to their relationship and I worry about how it affects them.
Plus, it's driving me CRAZY
They can't be in the car together without poking/throwing/hitting. They know each others "buttons" and find great joy in getting an angry response.I spend a lot of time wondering if we've done something wrong. Is this normal?!? There are lots of days when I think if we'd been more skilled at teaching communication strategies and responsiveness when upset, we'd have fewer conflicts. And other days I think we simply should be more punitive. Gentle disipline and discipline strategies that rely on attachment seem wonderful long-term, but what about the day-to-day?!? What tools work with your older children?
Could it be that they spend *too* much time together? Are they interested in extracuricular activities like soccer, painting or balet? Can they go by themselves to classes that doesn't involve the other? Sometimes distance helps with the bickering and button pushing. It sounds like they are together for a lot of the day and don't really have a "time out" from each other. I could be totally off the mark here, but my sister and I were like that until my mother decided that if she wanted us to be friends we had to have our own rooms and different friends, so off to different classes we went. It worked wonders for our relationship and we are still really good friends. Hope this helps!
