Surviving a week with a non-GD mom - Page 2

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by heartmama

Interesting that she is patient with your children and not her own--it does sound like she deeply believes her kids are a reflection of her own self worth, and if they are not good enough, neither is she--people do tend to unconsciously project fears about themselves onto their kids, so if she thinks her own kids are 'psycho' and 'mean' I wonder if those are things she fears people think about her? That is a different issue than just not being patient or tolerant of kids in general--some people just don't do well with kids ever--so maybe just being her friend is all you can do. I try to praise the parenting of people like her at any opportunity--point out some great quality in her child and imply what a great job she did fostering that in her kid (even if it's happening in spite of her rather than because of her?).

That is a great idea. I also have recently become aware of how I feel my kids' behavior is a reflection of me. So, I totally get that. When I yell or get mean with my kids I really feel horrible about it immediately afterwards. She, however, says it's her job to be the disciplinarian and she doesn't care if they don't like her. They can like their dad. Daddy's fun, mommy's mean. She knows that she's controlling. I know she doesn't like having to be that way, but she feels like someone has to punish them in to submission and it's gonna be her. Her whole parenting style just seems to be one big contradiction. Her kid gets violent, so she spanks. Her baby is "mean" so she berates him and gets mean with him. I really believe that kids learn what they live, so I don't know how she doesn't see that her kids are living what they learn from her. So frustrating.

[chipper26]

My first reaction to "how do you defend GD when it looks like it isn't working" is what is the goal of GD? Is it to have perfectly behaved children at any particular snapshot in time, or is it a long series of methods that help your children grow into confident, sensitive and responsible adults?

When people focus only on kids "listening" and "obeying" I ask - at what expense do they do this? It's not that I don't want my child to listen to me, but I'm not going to hit her and dominate her into submission and rule with fear. That is not a secure and trusting relationship.

If you are really good friends with this woman then maybe you should talk with her about how you are feeling.