7 Year Old Drama

[mommahhh]

My 7 year old is becoming so dramatic. She was always intense, but now sometimes I feel like she's acting on a stage, and it is wearing. It's hard because I see her teetering between two worlds....a lot of the time she'll be sweet, curious, open and fun. Other times (more often lately), she's irritable. She rolls her eyes at me all the time (oh I don't like that!), and she stomps around. She gets angry over little things.

We've always been playful (think "Playful Parenting) and she has liked that...that's how we interact a lot of the time. For the past few months, you never know what kind of response you'll get -- sometimes she loves it like usual, other times she gets furious. It isn't done in a condescending way at all either, so I have no idea what makes her so angry. And she won't talk to us....she sulks. Or yells and stomps around. And she doesn't want to do much with us anymore. Even things like going to the park....it seems like she just wants to stay home a lot. She doesn't want to interact with us either. For example, today is beautiful and she is sitting in a fort she built in her bedroom. I spent time in her fort yesterday, but today is gorgeous finally, and I've spent a lot of time outside. She doesn't want to come out. And earlier we went to the lake to see a boat show (it has fun things for kids as well), but she was annoyed and sulky the whole time. I feel like I'm dealing with a moody 13 year old, not a 7 year old child!

I'm trying to figure out how to parent her in a positive manner. I have to stop myself from letting my feelings get hurt (I have to remember I'm the adult).

[One_Girl]

My dd is like this sometimes. I find it helpful to be very slow, calm, and thoughtful in my responses. When she does or says something that pushes my buttons I make myself choose calm and feel calm in order to respond in a way that doesn't escalate things. Direct confrontation escalates things a lot, but a calm tone help my dd deescalate even if I am being very matter of fact in my refusal to give in to a request or offering her two choices that she isn't really keen on having. I don't remember to do this 100% of the time, but I have been getting much better at this and am able to do it more and more often with practice. I also choose not to let sulking get to me. Sometimes I have to tell myself that I am choosing not to let it get to me but I always try to look and sound as though I am not the least bit concerned that my child looks like I am a mean mom. We talk about feelings, what alternative things she might like to do, try to find compromises, and I do try to connect with her and help her find a way out of her pouting mood before I do this. When I see that she is just going to pout and there isn't going to be a compromise I allow her to work through her emotions in the way she wants to work through them without letting it reflect on me. Self talk is very helpful here and if you haven't already practiced it I seriously suggest that you start. I don't know how I would manage to not get myself worked up without it.

[mommahhh]

By self talk, do you mean saying, "I am not upset that my child is sulking"? I never do that....I probably do the opposite. My husband is so good at not letting her get to him. If she's being unreasonable and cranky, he can still carry on and enjoy himself (when we are out). I, on the other hand, start feeling her mood. I feel anxious that our outing isn't going as planned, and I feel sad and upset that she's sulking instead of having "happy family fun time". LOL This is HUGE for me and I really need to get over it, because it looks like I just have an intense, moody child. I don't want my own emotions going on a rollercoaster ride, especially given how volatile kids can be.

[One_Girl]

Exactly that. I will also tell myself she is still young, just breathe. Sometimes I tell myself to let her make her choices or to give her space to think as I take deep breathes. If she starts complaining I will tell her I am sorry she isn't choosing to have fun, that I am and hope she will choose to start doing so too soon, then I disengage again. We have done a lot of talk about choosing to have fun or choosing to focus on the negative so that is something that is understood when one of us says it. It is hard to break the cycle of taking too much responsibility for a child's feelings and nothing is going to work overnight.

[lily sophia's mom]

wish i had a suggestion, but i'm glad you posted

i signed on today to talk/ask about my nearly 7 year old. it's like living with a 14 year old who has had a much different upbringing than i thought I was giving her. So I must say I'm finding myself relieved to not be the only one.

My daughter lately gets sulky, rude, dismissive. And about things I don't remember even thinking or feeling. The other day she went on and on about how she doesn't like how she looks, but that she's stuck with this face that she has to see every morning! This broke my heart! We have no fashion magazines around our home, she can't watch even disney shows on TV with all of these modern rude characters, and we don't dwell on looks in our home AT ALL. where did this come from? And it wasn't just that, it was the teenager way she went on and on about it, yelling at me for not agreeing that she looked horrible.

She has a sassy answer for just about everything, and loves to storm off. Other times, she doesn't even want to respond to a question like "how was dance class?" (her favorite thing besides playing outside)

This morning was so hard for me,though. Yesterday, we got up & played with her in her room with this 'secret agent' game, and then we had a lovely breakfast she chose, after which she got to play outside most of the day in what was finally beautiful weather. Good day. But at the end of the night, she complained that so & so had been mad & rude and I hadn't done something right. So negative. Meanwhile, I had been loading old videos into our computer for backup. I looked back at those old tapes & saw some frankly better parenting than I'd remembered and also this sweet little thing that was my daughter. When i woke up this morning, I decided that whatever has been going on is likely related to something I'm doing/not doing or how we're relating to her, so no matter what, despite her lately quite spoiled & rude behavior, I would be kind, helpful, patient, etc.

I woke her up, gave snuggles, let her lie there for awhile, and even started helping her to get dressed. She can do this, obviously, but anyway. But she does this thing where she seems to be acting the role of someone getting help, so as I try to pull her up, she pulls herself down dramatically. I started to say "when someone's helping you.." and she interrupted and said "Ugh! Why don't you just stop blabbing and blabbing at me all the time?" So mean and cold. The way you speak to someone you certainly don't love.

20 years ago a child would have gotten a slap for that, but this is unconceivable to me. I feel she must be going through something, and I want to help her, but this is unbearable.

Sorry to take over your post with my own sob story...wanted to let you know you're not alone. I hope someone has good information for us.

Take care

[mommahhh]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

I will tell her I am sorry she isn't choosing to have fun, that I am and hope she will choose to start doing so too soon, then I disengage again

Excellent advice! Thanks so much...I will be using this.

Originally Posted by lily sophia's mom

20 years ago a child would have gotten a slap for that, but this is unconceivable to me. I feel she must be going through something, and I want to help her, but this is unbearable.

So I was thinking the same thing tonight. I would have NEVER spoken to my parents the way she talks to us. But then again, I was a different child of course. But still...even as a teen, I would not have acted like that. Then I start feeling guilty -- am I a sucky parent? am I letting her act this way? I don't even know anymore. She's so sassy and thinks nothing of back-talking to me. I also am very much a get-down-on-the-ground and play type of parent, whereas I don't really remember my parents playing with me. Not sure if that matters, but she is so rude to me at times. It blows me away that she thinks she can get away with it. For the record, I don't "allow" her to be rude...there are consequences. But it doesn't seem to matter.

I guess I'm afraid to be too stern/authoritarian because on some level I'm worried she has a bit of a mood disorder and genuinely can't help herself. She's so moody compared to a lot of other kids that I know, so that's why I say this.

[lily sophia's mom]

mommahhh,
I could have written your response myself, nearly word for word...it's a little different in that I like to think of myself as a get down & play parent, but I'll be honest that it's not as much as she'd like. Or not the play she wants. And, if I watch, I find many times where I likely engage in conversations that should just END....funny that when I was in 5th grade I was a summer teacher for these preschoolers (a safety class) and the police officer in charge said "never, ever argue with a child younger than you...it teaches them to argue with you)." I got it as a 10 year old but still engage in "who-gets-the-last-word" debates with my daughter.

But aside from that, your description is of MY home...the consequences to rudeness, my utter shock that she too thinks nothing of how she speaks to me, and my dismay that maybe it's my parenting exclusively that has caused this. I fluctuate from wanting to be more patient ('always be bigger, stronger, wiser, kind') to reading my own post earlier and thinking "that kid is s-p-o-i-l-e-d!" (i refer to my own daughter here). My developmentalist mind tells me to disengage, stop and read things for what they are and nothing more, to treat this as any other behavior to be shaped. But the person in my heart and relationship, who knows my daughter, also fears that it's some kind of mood problem...be it a touch of depression, anxiety, I don't know what...

The other side is that her behavior just hints of disappointment at me as her mother, though, and this is heartbreaking...

to you....

[mommahhh]

Yes, I totally get that, lily sophia's mom. Heartbreaking is right. I also often worry that mine is spoiled. I'm pretty sure some friends and family talk behind our backs about how she is mouthy/bratty/whatever. But at the same time, I wonder how well they would do at parenting this type of child.

[Tigerchild]

Keep in mind that depending on genetics, she may actually be starting puberty!!!

DD was extremely moody, cranky, emotional, ect. at 7, and had started developing breast buds before 8. Frankly, that totally shocked the hell out of me. I mean, intellectually I knew that puberty was going to happen soon (I started my period when I was 11, but I actually hard hardly any breast development before I did! So I wasn't thinking about that at all!). But when it was right in my face suddenly, some of the crankiness at least made sense. This past year (DD is not quite 8.5) she has literally grown 4 inches, her body's starting to change, she started to develop some acne on occassion, she suddenly developed an interest in "looks" (hardly surprising when her skin and limbs and everything else is changing practically overnight!), she gets frustrated with her body (she's having to navigate a shifting center of balance, she's sprouting so quickly that I'm not sure she is totally aware of where her hands and feet are, which makes her clumsy and she is not used to being clumsy!). She sometimes wants to be a little girl, but also pushes against that, which makes her a bear to be around.

So when you say that your 7 year old is acting like a teen--she may very well be on her way hormonally to becoming one! For my DD it was a little over 6 months of VERY INTENSE emotional stuff before all of a sudden I noticed the early physical signs of puberty. So I would not rule that out!

Not that it makes dealing with it any easier. Even though her body's going through changes on the early side, she is still very very much an 8 year old in cognitive development, IMO. It's tough for her, and tough for everyone else too!

[mommahhh]

I guess I never considered early puberty because I was SO late. I didn't get my period until I was 16 (my mother got hers at 14). I didn't get breast buds until I was 13. So when I was 7, I was still a child in every way. I really hope she doesn't go through early puberty. It just seems like there isn't much of a "childhood", you know? Toddler, pre-school, puberty....!!

[lily sophia's mom]

Originally Posted by mommahhh

I really hope she doesn't go through early puberty. It just seems like there isn't much of a "childhood", you know? Toddler, pre-school, puberty....!!

I know!!!! I was later too, so I'm hoping she is as well. To be honest, the thought of early puberty depresses me more than this being a difficult phase I need to work through with her. Sigh...

yesterday was much better. Honestly, I told her in the morning that she had genuinely hurt my feelings with her behavior and since that time I think we've both been trying a little harder.

BTW....my timing may seem funny (a whole day having passed) because we live in Japan, so it's only like 6:30 or 7:30 (can't remember) on Monday evening on the East Coast as I write this but it's already 8:30 in the morning on Tuesday for us...