Rude and demanding how could we have handled this better

[Caittune]

Dh was making lunch today and dd was very hungry so when she asked nicelunfor her lunch before he had finished up with ours I thought nothing of passing her her sandwich first. Well she had asked for meat with her sandwich which dh interpretedto be ham like she always has had before but no today apparently she wanted the chicken. No big deal exceptfor the way she voiced this complaint: an extremly rude "I want meat not ham". Terrible tone of voice and a pout and smack the table.

So without saying anything or aknowledging the rudeness I picked up her plate and removed it. I had had a long morning with her being snarky and demanding and I wasn't sure I could be effective about the rudeness. I took a deep breath and said that was very rude and because of that you will have to wait with the rest of us until daddy is able to fix your lunch. That precipitated total meltdown and she pushed into the kitchen and lay onthe floor to block dh from continuing to make the lunch. Counter productive I know but I guess sensible in a 4 year olds mind. Well then I told her to leaveand said when she was ready to be polite she as welcome to return. I got mad eventually and I did raise my voice.

So I know one problem was she was hungry and it is hard to wait. I usually try to give snacks or make them accessable. That didn't happen this morning.

Also we are having a lot of changes right now. New sister 4 months old. We also just sold our home and are moving next month. So there are a lot of big things to cause big anxitey. How do I help her through this while Keeping up with the idea that rudeness and snark are not tolerated.

[Grace and Granola]

Sounds like a 4yo

I think you did fine. I would have added in a sentence about what would be appropriate to say, like, "I know you're very hungry, but it's important that you ask nicely. Can you try, Dad, may I have chicken instead of ham?" If she didn't try that way, then sent off to cool down and come back with an apology and better attitude.

[DevaMajka]

Something that works in the moment for me is to say "um, do you want to try that in a nicer way?" (That's after we'd had some discussions about proper responses, and why I don't like rude responses.)

One realization that I had recently was that ds1 doesn't know exactly what "rude" is. Or for that matter, what "asking nicely" is exactly. It seems like he should, and he does get it in a superficial type way. But he doesn't truly get it enough to understand how it applies to all different situations. Does that make sense?

One suggestion I've read here that I like is to specify what you'd like them to say "If you don't want ham, you can say 'I'd like chicken instead of ham, please.'" Then make mention of why rudeness is not ok.

In your situation, I can see why you were upset and frustrated. I totally hear ya. It's really aggravating when we go out of our way for our kids, and they respond rudely. But, tbh, its also understandable how your dd behaved. It doesn't make it ok, of course, but it's understandable. I think this is a case of lots and lots of teaching. (it is for us all, I think. I wish it would work faster though!)

[One_Girl]

At that age and with hunger and a lot of change driving dd's reactions I would just model the phrase that I wanted to hear and have dd repeat it to me.

[Caittune]

Thanks for the responses. I was thinking the whole time that it is a very age appropriate behavour. I come from a household where I never would have dared speak to my parents like that. There was physical punishment and emotional abuse so I'm struggling to parent without a map of positive discipline. So this is all new to me. Dh doesn't really do discipline as such either because his parents seem to take the removal of love approach. So he just ignores her or walks away most of the time.

I'm reading playful parenting and I think maybe I'm going to see if maybe we can work on the rudeness in a playful way. Maybe her fuzzies can act it out for her.

I like the modeling too. I try not to prompt for Please and thank you as such but respond to the tone if that makes sense. Of course I'm not at my best either at the moment considering I have a 4 month old who only sleeps attached to me. Imzemi sleep deprived and have a whole townhouse to pack up in a month and my mil just informed me we'd be dog sitting next month and within a week of moving. Stress city.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I would have probably cut her a whole lot of slack, and said something like, "wow, you're really hungry and this isn't what you wanted! Hang on a sec, sweetheart." And got her something else as soon as I could.

After she'd eaten and we were all feeling calmer, then I would have addressed the issue of a better way to state your dissatisfactions. I would also have acknowledged that there's lots of changes going on right now, and that I understand that its hard to always remember to be polite. At that point, my DD probably would have cuddled into me and offered an apology unprompted. My DD responds well to sympathy and empathy - yours might, as well. It depends on the child, I guess. Some children might then think being rude and screaming worked well and do it again. With our DD, it was the opposite.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by Caittune

I like the modeling too. I try not to prompt for Please and thank you as such but respond to the tone if that makes sense.

I'm the same way- the tone matters more than him using certain "polite" words.

It sounds like a lot of stress for all of you! Take care