Thougts on adopting two children - Page 2

[sbrinton]

We've getting in touch with a few families who have adopted more than one child from Rwanda. I'm planning to talk with them to learn more about their experiences.

My initial impulse to be honest was to be paper ready for two so that if there were twins or young siblings, we could go in that direction and if not, we could adopt one. As I've learned more about how things usually work at the orphanage in Rwanda (we have several friends living in Kigali volunteering there), we've seen that most adoptions of more than one child are not sibling groups.

I am reading what you all are saying and we'll take it into consideration.

[zombie]

In the end, if you do choose to adopt 2 at once, I suggest that you try for siblings, and go as young and close in age as possible. I think a baby and a 5 year old would be terribly, terribly hard. I have found that when there are multiple extra-needy kids, the youngest "wins". The needs of the youngest are the most physical and immediate, so it is very hard to give enough attention to a much older child who is equally needy (unless the baby is super reserved/easy, in which case it is very easy to somewhat neglect the baby). So I think the most do-able way to adopt 2 at once would be very young twins. Good luck to you whatever you do. It is really hard to make these decisions.

[sbrinton]

I do think 2 babies is probably the best fit for our family if we do adopt 2 at once. I think adding another child who is closer in age to our boys could potentially be much more difficult for them. The more I think about it, I think I would want the older child, if one was older, to still be at least 1 year younger than our youngest.

[lauren]

Thanks for hanging in there sbrinton, with a hard discussion. Many of the mamas here have learned some really hard lessons, the hard way, and it does make for some passionate discussion. As you can see, there are different opinions and it is wise to consider them all as you educate and prepare yourself and your family.

[christophersmom]

I have a friend that adopted a boy/girl almost the same age that were not siblings and were infants, they are extremely happy they did so. The kids are now 4. With my DFD I could easily do another adoption with her or close in time to her. Had she had a different personality, maybe not. But she is ten months and should be finalized by the end of the year, I am itching to get another babe early next year. She just made it so easy I want to do it again so quickly. Had she been more like my son's personality that probably would not have crossed my mind. I think there was a reason we waited 2 years to even try to have another child

[junipermoon]

I say, get centered, then follow your heart.

My grandma had 10 kids, really close together--a really happy family.

I adopted 2 kids at once--5 and not yet 1--and my older had RAD--and I would do it again.

I don't really "believe" in adoption, to be honest, but it exists, kids do get torn from their first parents for a whole bunch of reasons (economic oppression, orphaned, environmental racism, occasionally neglect or abuse) and that is a huge loss for the first family, the child, and for the adoptive parents, who, in parenting children who have lost their first parents, must come to hold the sorrow of their children. This stuff has haunted our family.

But there are waiting children who do need homes, politics aside.

Regarding how many kids to adopt, some families are more flexible than other families, some moms need less sleep (my adopted baby woke for hours each night until age 4 and I never once left him to cry--just rocked and walked him night after night), some parents are cool with things that other parents are not. It really depends on who you are, your own attachment style and history, how you deal with stress, your expectations, etc.

As for what is best for the kids, you just can't know ahead of time. Maybe they'd benefit from simultaneously placed sibs, maybe not. I don't think you can speculate.

That does NOT mean it is "bad" or selfish to choose to go with a single adoption at a time. But, honestly, just because you learned a hard lesson about yourself, or read about hard lessons other people learned about themselves in the context of adoptive parenting, does not make it appropriate to take guesses about what you think other people's motives are in adopting more than one child at a time. There is not a single right way to adopt.

[sbrinton]

I think we are continuing to feel strongly that we are supposed to adopt two.

I know it will be hard, but I also know our family. We have been through a lot and we are both strong and resilient. The kids are so excited to have sisters. We have good support from family, church and our community. I am able to function well with little sleep and I am able to do a lot at once. That said, we'll definitely simplify a lot before adopting. I'll take a few seasons off of triathlon training and we'll put my business on hold.