Support for Friend who has Emergency C-Section

[northcountrymamma]

Hi there,
My closest friend who was planning a home birth, just had an emergency c-section last night. I spoke with her partner and he was pretty shaken up about it...but strong and so proud of her. After he told us the story, I didn't even think to ask if she was willing to have visitors or anything. I was just so concerned about hearing that everyone was ok etc.

Just wondering...what would be desired by the new mom...she is in hospital until Wednesday and I don't want to be bothering her partner unnecessarily...but I am so worried about her and want to be there for her.

If you have been through this or know someone who has...what is a good thing for close friends to do to help her out emotionally or otherwise. I want to be there for her 100%. All our reading material only talks about how unneccessary c-sections are and I can't find anything on how to support the mom who has gone through a c-section.

Thanks for any suggestions...
m

[MsBlack]

First, DO be sure to send some flowers or something like that, ASAP--you want to offer congratulations, and also your help. Let her know that you are thinking of her, that you would love to visit if she would like that--say clearly that you are waiting for her call, so you will know if you can visit soon, or should wait til they get home.

You can also put in a call tomorrow to her dh, or even to the nurses station (or drop off a note to the nurse's station) --they can't say much to you, but they usually will deliver messages if they're not too busy. That is, do this IF you don't talk to her or get an invitation to visit. Again--thinking of you, can't wait to meet the baby, let me know how I can help you have a sweet babymoon.

You might get to see her or at least talk with her today or tomorrow, or maybe not til she gets home, but in any event you can help in the most important basic way by being ready to help around the house. COoking, cleaning, laundry, pet care--anything you have time for. If you are around helping in this way, just loving on her and family, then she will first be supported by you and second, there will be a chance to talk about stuff if she wants to.

[Shazer]

Be open and listen to her without judging when you see her. When I had my first emergency c/s, everyone said the most unsupportive things like "You should be so thankful that you and the baby are OK." That totally dismissed my feelings of failure, disbelief and sadness that I didn't deliver my daughter in the peace of my home. Your friend probably is cycling through 1 million emotions right now from guilt to happiness to sadness to disbelief. Let her cry if she needs to, give her hugs, tell her what a wonderful mother she is.

As far as gift type things, I think standard gifts are OK. What I used for comfort after my c/s were lots of ice packs on my incision, an extra big water bottle so I didn't have to get up to fill a glass repeatedly, and help from friends and relatives with housework. The help is the biggest gift if you can go to her house because she will probably be OK when she is seated, but getting up and down to do things is tough.

[MeepyCat]

In the aftermath of my c/s, people who called to ask how they could help were *not* "bothering us." And we had very few compunctions about failing to answer our phones. So go ahead and call.

I'm not a big fan of flowers for housekeeping reasons. Food is awesome though - fresh bread, casseroles to be heated and eaten whenever, soup...

Help is good to have sometimes, but do keep in mind that new families may want some time to themselves.

Also, don't make assumptions about what her feelings are. She may be grieving about this, or she may not. Maybe she'll grieve later. Maybe she won't grieve at all. I found my emergency section to be a relief and have not felt sad about it, and I find the people who expect me to be grieving extremely frustrating to talk to.

[JessicaS]

I think food and assistance with chores would be nicer than flowers.

Recovery can be difficult and it can be even harder when one is disappointed. I was fine after my first, I felt ok and I recovered pretty well. My second was a lot more difficult for many reasons.

I would just talk to her feel her out and see what she needs. Everyone's experiences are really very different.

[Sk8ermaiden]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

Also, don't make assumptions about what her feelings are. She may be grieving about this, or she may not. Maybe she'll grieve later. Maybe she won't grieve at all. I found my emergency section to be a relief and have not felt sad about it, and I find the people who expect me to be grieving extremely frustrating to talk to.

This is kind of what I was going to say too. I think the best opener once you get to talking about it, is something like, "And how are you feeling about everything?" If she is just happy and grateful that everything is fine, talk from that POV, if she is disappointed but OK, go from that one, and if she is really upset, be that shoulder for her. Know that her feelings on it can possibly change from one week to the next. If you are her friend, and you actually listen to what she is saying, you will know what to say to her. Just make sure not to put words in her mouth or push a (any) societal view of what you feel after a c/s onto her.

Celebrate her victories with her. Even though I ended up with an unplanned cesarean, there were things that I was happy about.

And food. If it works with their schedule, come an hour before dinner and bring it with you. Play for an hour and go. If you want to be her BFF, bring a frozen meal or something too.

If you go visit her in the hospital, ask her if you can bring her anything. I know I could have probably used chapsticks and snacks. It would have been a lot more useful than the stuffed animals and flowers.

Just listen - she will lead you to a place where you can support her. You sound like a good friend.

[Catubodua]

a few bits of advice from my point of view, 3 months post c-section

- don't call the phone in the room, call a cell phone. i can't tell you how crazy it made me that people called the room and had a phone that i couldn't get up and answer ringing constantly when i had my cell phone right next to me

- i'm not a fan of getting flowers / fruit / plants whatever at the hospital. it's another thing i have to worry about and they take up what little space they have in the hospital. plus, it's your problem to then truck them home or throw out. if you want to do that, wait till she's home

- i enjoyed company but wanted the visits to be short.

one thing that personally drove me nuts - don't incessently as what you can do. ask once, can i do anything, if she says no then stop asking. don't say anything? dishes? laundry? anything? over and over.

and, congrats to your friend on her new baby!

[savithny]

Don't start out by initiating second-guessing about why it happened and how it could have been prevented. It happened. Now is not the time to list any "mistakes" your books say she made that might have led to this. If *she* wants to talk about it, that's different, of course, but let *her* bring it up.

She may not have had the birth she wanted, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't greet the *baby* with joy and love! Don't let the first thing you say be "I'm sorry," but "S'he's beautiful! Congratulations!" and then "how are you?"

(note: I'm not at all saying to start in with the "at least the baby is healthy!" Just to recognize that the baby's arrival *is* something to celebrate, whether or not she feels like the *birth* was)

[gwerydd]

Tell her how beautiful her baby is. Ask her how her incision is healing (my mom had 3 cesareans for the same reason I did and she was the only person to ask me about my healing). Bring food, I wish more people had brought food after dd was born (although it didn't help that when people did ask they asked dh who said we were doing fine. we were NOT doing fine ) Listen to her birth story with an understanding ear if she wants to tell you. And admire her baby! For me the c-section was not the part that was traumatic, it was the event that led up to it and after it (NICU stay, PPD) so respect whatever feelings she may have about the birth. It's really hard to know what exactly happened when you weren't there and it isn't for you to know or judge, just support her and help her make sure that she has a great babymoon.

[MsBlack]

Wow, I'm so surprised at the 'no flowers' comments! So, just speaking from my own experience--an emergency csec after 5 homebirths--that I loved getting flowers while I was in the hospital (and after). I love flowers though But my main point really, in suggesting flowers, was to ask the OP to focus first on celebrating her friend's new baby--celebrating life and reasons for joy, just as anyone might do after any birth. A simple card would also suffice for that purpose.

Otherwise, I totally agree with what others have been saying--actual help with the domestic stuff was the very best help of all, and sorely needed (no pun intended, though post surgery I WAS very sore!). I especially appreciated those who cooked, cleaned, watched my other LOs, without imposing any commentary or asking too-nosy of questions about the birth. They were receptive and willing to listen, making no assumptions and not saying anything too stupid while I was most vulnerable in the weeks following the csec.

[Ammaarah]

If you are close enough that this wouldn't feel really weird, go visit her with a meal or a dessert, and while you are there, vacuum! I had a c-section and it was awful to be banned from vacuuming for a month, which is when my OB finally said do it verrrrry carefully. My husband tried to keep up, but he has a different standard for vacuum thoroughness (LOL) and I was grossed out at my funky carpet.

[Storm Bride]

re: flowers, etc. I'd ask her dh if she wants them. I loved getting flowers in the hospital. I liked the potted plant even better (some friends gave it to me, in a castle-shaped planter...still have the planter). Some people hate them.

Food. Definitely make some bread, soup or a casserole that can be frozen. Easy, nutritious meals are so helpful in the early post-partum days, and I think they're even more important when mama is also getting over surgery and her dh may well be looking after her and the baby.

Listen. Give her an easy opening, such as the "how are you feeling?" suggestion upthread, and then listen. People telling us how to feel, in any direction, are incredibly unhelpful. Just listen.

Encourage her to find what works for her. For me, a lot of the standard post-c/s suggestions just don't work. For example, I got pushed so hard to use the football hold, because everyone "knows" that's easiest for c/s moms. It doesn't work for me, and the constant pressure to try it again drives me buggy...just one more way people weren't listening. The same with the granny panties thing. For me, something sitting over the incision (especially when there's still a dressing) is much, much, much more comfortable than granny panties pushing the "flap" down over it. Now, it's possible that all the standard post-c/s stuff will work fine for your friend, but it's very easy to feel that if that stuff doesn't work, then one just can't do...whatever (breastfeed, walk, whatever).

Did I mention...listen? Honestly, the single biggest issue I've had with c/s over the years is the feeling that nobody was ever listening to what I said about it...with respect to both the physical and emotional aspects. Drove me crazy.

[northcountrymamma]

thank you for all the wonderful suggestions...
In the end I decided that with another friend we went over to their house, cleaned up all of the homebirth supplies and did all the laundry, got their bed ready for their return and made a large batch of miso/mushroom/kale soup.

We cleared away the birthing tub and all other items that were in the way and it was really really appreciated. They ended up coming home this am and my daughter and I went over to visit and meet their absolutely beautiful little girl!

Thanks again though...I appreciate how many suggestions you wise mamma's contributed to my thought process. We'll be over again with our helping hands on Monday.

m

[JessicaS]

Oh I love flowers, just of the two I would rather have meals or help.

Dd was born on Valentine's Day and I didn't get flowers

[Sk8ermaiden]

Originally Posted by northcountrymamma

thank you for all the wonderful suggestions...
In the end I decided that with another friend we went over to their house, cleaned up all of the homebirth supplies and did all the laundry, got their bed ready for their return and made a large batch of miso/mushroom/kale soup.

We cleared away the birthing tub and all other items that were in the way and it was really really appreciated. They ended up coming home this am and my daughter and I went over to visit and meet their absolutely beautiful little girl!

Thanks again though...I appreciate how many suggestions you wise mamma's contributed to my thought process. We'll be over again with our helping hands on Monday.

m

That is so helpful. My mom did that for me and I did it for my friend. I just can't imagine having to come home and clean up all the odd and ends from a homebirth I didn't get to have. I hope your friend heals quickly and well!

[savithny]

Originally Posted by northcountrymamma

thank you for all the wonderful suggestions...
In the end I decided that with another friend we went over to their house, cleaned up all of the homebirth supplies and did all the laundry, got their bed ready for their return and made a large batch of miso/mushroom/kale soup.

We cleared away the birthing tub and all other items that were in the way and it was really really appreciated. They ended up coming home this am and my daughter and I went over to visit and meet their absolutely beautiful little girl!

Thanks again though...I appreciate how many suggestions you wise mamma's contributed to my thought process. We'll be over again with our helping hands on Monday.

m

That sounds wonderful -- coming home to a clean fresh bed makes coming home that much better.