Confused

[cnfusd]

I sit here totally confused about what should be happening. My H and I have been married 15 years and we have two children. We have had many ups and downs in the past couple of years but now it is at its worst. He is threatening to move out because he says that I am cold and unemotional – that I do not show him any affection. I work fulltime, care for our two children, tend to the house, etc. He does not participate in any of that. For the last three months he has been working and going out afterwards-just about everyday. He doesn’t get home until 2-3am sometimes later. He claims that he is just going out to dinner and drinks after work. There are weeks where the kids and I don’t see him for three days straight because he doesn’t come in til after we are already in bed asleep. He says that I have no room in my life for him that I have completely shut him out. Hmm… he isn’t home to include him in our lives…. That’s the way I see it. He says I am the one with problems. That all of this is my fault.

In addition to this for the last three months he has been talking to a particular female. They text ALL day long. I found this out because I peeked into his call records. A couple of weeks ago he fessed up that he had gone out to dinner and clubbing with this particular girl. It was weird. I just asked, as I always do, “what did you end up doing last night?” He said, “oh I went out with X to dinner and some clubs.” I was flabbergasted. I mean I knew that they texted constantly (at this point he had no idea I knew about this) but for him to finally tell me that they had gone out?.... I asked him if he saw her often and he said “yeah”. Wow, I couldn’t believe it. I continued to ask him if they were seeing each other romantically, if she had gone out of town with him (all texting ceased when he went on an out of town trip). He said that he was not going to answer any questions pertaining to her because what was going on between us was between us and had nothing to do with her. Hmm… okay…

After him constantly telling me over the next few days that I was the one with the problem and that he was so sad and hurt because I didn’t kiss him anymore or do nice things for him anymore…I had had enough and confessed that I had been looking at his call records all along and that I knew that he texted her ALL of the time – I have no idea how she gets any work done! I told him that I suspected that she went on the trip with him because they go from texting multiple times a day (average about 300 texts every three days) to nothing while he was gone. Well he proceeded to tell me that he was upset and hurt that I didn’t trust him and that I had been spying on him all along. What?! He still refuses to answer any questions and hasn’t even denied that there is a relationship there one way or the other. He told me again last night that he thinks that he will be moving out by the end of the month because he can’t get over how much I have hurt him by spying on him. OMG!

I just want to yell! I am so confused. Thanks for letting me vent.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I smell LOTS of blame shifting on your H's part from your post.

[wife&mommy]

I'm sorry but it sounds like he is having an affair with this woman. Have you checked into survivinginfidelity.com? They would probably have some good advice for you there. It sounds like HE is the one doing something wrong but trying to blame it on you so that he doesn't look like the bad one.

[Megan73]

Saw this in new posts...
I think you're spot on – he's cheating, feels guilty and wants to make it YOUR fault (when obviously it isn't).
Sorry, mama.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by cnfusd

He told me again last night that he thinks that he will be moving out by the end of the month because he can’t get over how much I have hurt him by spying on him.

My response to that would be "don't let the door hit your a$$ on the way out". Seriously. You deserve better than that and don't ever forget it. He's cheating on you, plain and simple. Kick his butt out and get on with your life. I bet you'll be much happier and relieved once he is gone.

Hugs to you mama.

[timbbey]

He sounds just like my ex. Convinces himself (and you) that it is your fault. That is a cheap game and not fair to you or your family. Gather your finances and be prepared. Only you know what you are willing to work through. But be prepared. I would consult an attorney before you say anything.

[Halfasianmomma]

This is called blameshifting...and it's usually used to cover one's own @ss, be it due to infidelity or addiction. He accuses you of emotional detachment so that he can feel justified in continuing to seek out this other woman to "get what he needs".

His refusal to answer your questions is all the proof you need. Reverse the situation: If you were constantly texting a male coworker, going out clubbing with him several nights a week and returning home at 2-3 a.m., how would your H handle that? Would he be satisfied with "this is none of your business"? I think not.

As unpleasant as this is mama, I think you have a decision to make. Is this acceptable to you?

[MissLotus]

He sure is cheating - terrible, but he's making it extremely obvious.

How is his affair with another woman "none of your business"? I didn't realize that extracurricular partners were none of a spouse's business.

[chel]

sounds just like my stbx.
the txting is what alerted the gals partner. stbx has a work phone that i can't access.

[*MamaJen*]

I agree with everyone else. It sounds like he is having an affair and trying to shift the blame to you.
I am really big on personal privacy in a relationship -- I think it's wrong to read people's private email, that kind of thing. But I don't really think it's wrong to look at someone's phone bill. After all, it's a joint expense.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

This is called blameshifting...and it's usually used to cover one's own @ss, be it due to infidelity or addiction. He accuses you of emotional detachment so that he can feel justified in continuing to seek out this other woman to "get what he needs".

His refusal to answer your questions is all the proof you need. Reverse the situation: If you were constantly texting a male coworker, going out clubbing with him several nights a week and returning home at 2-3 a.m., how would your H handle that? Would he be satisfied with "this is none of your business"? I think not.

As unpleasant as this is mama, I think you have a decision to make. Is this acceptable to you?

This exactly.

[NolaRiordan]

I'm sorry. But I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. My advice to you is to get your ducks in a row. Do you handle the finances? You need to get a hold of all account numbers and balances and anything that is in your name. That is step #1. The best thing would be if he moved out. I know this really sucks. But you need to focus on protecting yourself and your kids.

[lindalu]

I also think he is cheating.

Despicable to be shifting the blame to you - talk about emotional blackmail!

Do you think he will really leave?

I agree - I would start to get my "ducks in a row" - document everything - perhaps retain a good lawyer.

What would you ultimately like to see happen? You know, you can work on things working out for the best (whatever that means for you) but protect yourself for the "worst" case sceanario.

all the best.

[laohaire]

I don't even think there is a question that he's cheating. Does anyone think there's a chance he might not be?

[ell]

He is cheating. There's no question.

I suggest you head over to survivinginfidelity.com. They will help you.

[papayapetunia]

Been there, done that. XH spent a couple of months telling me how our marriage problems were all my fault because of x, y, and z. Actually, many of the same reasons your H is giving. Turns out he was having an affair. They don't want to face the reality that they are what they are, so they try to blame it on their spouse.

I second getting over to survivinginfidelity.com. If I could go back in time, I would have kicked his butt out immediately and implemented the 180 (you'll learn about that over at SI) and never looked back. Instead, I spent months pining away and beating myself up and believing his apologies and agonizing every time he flip-flopped between me and her. Finally, a year later, I see myself for the goddess that I really am. It was his loss, and it's your H's loss if he's going to destroy his family over a person who would participate in this disgustingness.