Talking back

[unschoolinmom]

This has become a big problem since doing unconditional parenting, and it is also filtering to friends (godparents) and other children's parents. I'm talking about talking back.

How can I deal with talking back (5 and 6) in a peaceful way? This is just one account, but it is whenever I ask if they could try an alternative and safer method to things. It started with my dd and she has taught ds. She'll say, "Go tell mommy to shut up and she should die." And now he does it without her telling him. Just when I or dh or anyone else for that matter asks them to not do something.

Example of today. My dd was sitting on a plastic chair and leaning back (she's already fallen before on a chair for the same reason and ended up with a concussion). I explained to her that it's dangerous and she's teaching her brother the same lessons and he could get hurt too. Then asked her to stop nicely but she said, "mommy shut up. I don't like you." and then slammed the door to her room.

My dh tried to force apology saying if we don't do something, they'll think they got away with it and keep doing it, but I told him a forced apology was not a sincere one.

Any advice to nip this problem before it becomes even worse?

[mrscookie]

[unschoolinmom]

This actually turned out okay. We handled it by first doing a time in (her sitting next to me for six minutes) then explained that the words hurt my feelings and made me sad. I then let her go back into the room and she had her brother pretend to shoot me with a gun and said, "mommy you're dead."

So, we put the toys away and put them to bed an hour earlier than usual. She actually fell right to sleep which tells me she was just tired. A few hours later, she came out and apologized and said she didn't want me dead because I wouldn't be there with her anymore and that would make her very sad.

So it ended very respectfully on both our ends. She had time to "sleep on it" and realized what she said and did was wrong and apologized for it.

Even kids have their bad days too.

[hopefulfaith]

I'm glad it turned out all right.

[woodchick]

I wonder if you can head off the head-butting by doing something other than 'talking'.

DD1 tends to lean back in her chair as well. The first time we explained why it was dangerous. After that all we say is "four on the floor" and she remembers to sit properly. We're not engaging her in a discussion about it so there's really no opportunity for backtalk.

Also, have you given your kids appropriate words to express their frustration with you? Words like frustrated, upset, angry, annoyed... She's only just about 4 but DD1 has no problem saying to me, "Mama I'm frustrated that you are telling me to put my shoes on!" and we can go on from there...

HTH!

[BetsyNY]

My advice, honestly? Some of it you should ignore. Like this game she's created with her brother--I'd do something to take the bite out of it. She's liking getting a rise out of you, a reaction, whatever you want to call it. I'd be as neutral as possible.

I don't think Unconditional Parenting has anything to do with it. You could put her in time out, take her toys away and send her to bed early, and still not see a change in behavior. It's probably a (maddening) phase. She'll grow out of it.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by woodchick

I wonder if you can head off the head-butting by doing something other than 'talking'.

DD1 tends to lean back in her chair as well. The first time we explained why it was dangerous. After that all we say is "four on the floor" and she remembers to sit properly. We're not engaging her in a discussion about it so there's really no opportunity for backtalk.

Also, have you given your kids appropriate words to express their frustration with you? Words like frustrated, upset, angry, annoyed... She's only just about 4 but DD1 has no problem saying to me, "Mama I'm frustrated that you are telling me to put my shoes on!" and we can go on from there...

HTH!

I agree with this. If this is a continuous thing, as you indicated in your original post, then I think you should look at why she would want you to shut up. It may be her way of telling you that you talk to much. Talking is the same as nagging once the point is understood, and a one or two word reminder works quite well without the feelings that come with being lectured and having to take responsibility for a smaller siblings actions as well as your own. I would also encourage you to stick to telling her why something will affect her and not putting pressure on her to take responsibility for her brother when she isn't ready to take responsibility for herself.