Trouble at School = Trouble at Home?

[Ellen Griswold]

Help me with some thoughts on this. Ds is elementary school age and is a frequent flyer of late in the principal's office. First off, I'll say that I have no problem whatsoever with the school. I agree that he should have been removed from the classroom, should have been sent home, and all that. The principal is a kind, gentle man who, in my mind, says all the right things, is supportive of all the kids, and really uses his office as a place of respite and peace - more for cooling off and talking things through than any actual discipline.

Ds has some ADHD that we have been addressing. We'll probably be putting him on medication in the fall. And I realize that a lot the problems that we have dealt with have this in play too.

However, when your child gets in trouble at school (serious stuff, not fluff) what happens at home? Natural consequences have kind of failed me here. Yes, apologies and that route....but should something else happen? I'd love to hear some different viewpoints.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

I am a firm believer in if you get in trouble at school, you are in trouble at home. You have to look at it holistically, though. Why are there issues? If it is due to the child thinking he/she can just disrespect the teacher and break the rules and mommy will not care, then, well, that is one thing. If the child has actual issues (medical or with another student/faculty member), then all need to work together to resolve the issues.

My MIL is a schoolteacher/principal and children of parents that act like they don't care what their children do in school are often the worst behaved. I don't mean go off and wail on the kid's tush, but let them know you are not pleased with the behavior.

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I also believe there needs to be consequenses at home too. He needs to know that you fully support the school and the principal.

I am not sure what the consequenses should be though. I guess it depends on what he did, and what is important to him at home.

I've told this story here before... But, about four years ago, a classmate of my daughter's (he was in 8th grade) purposely PEED on another kid at a pep rally. He was suspended for four weeks.

Every weekday of that four weeks, his mom drove him to the school at the end of the day, and she sat in the front office while he cleaned both the boy's and the girl's bathrooms. This school has 1200 kids. He only cleaned the 5th-8th grade bathrooms, but he did it every single day.

It wasn't the school's idea, it was his parent's idea. AND, he had to pay for the magazines his mom wanted while she waited in the office for him to clean the bathrooms.

When we were younger, if we disrespected anything or anybody on school property, we had to stay after school and clean up trash on the school grounds.

[phathui5]

What sort of behaviors are we talking about?

[MariaMadly]

I like the principal's approach. Continuing the offer of support, respite, and peace so your child can cool off and talk things through, think things through, and get his head around how to handle himself. That's true discipline, IMHO, and it can be provided at home as well as at school.

[Ellen Griswold]

Let me give you an example of what happened about 2 weeks ago. Not willing to face yesterday's trouble yet.

DS was suppposed to bring an object to share at school. He brought a car. Shared it and then didn't want to put it away. Wanted to play with it instead of putting it away. After several reminders that it belonged in his bag, the teacher took it away and put it on her desk. Ds got super angry at her and tried to take it back (to put in his bag, but beside the point now). When she refused, he screamed that he hated her. He was walked to the principal's office at this point where he cried. They asked that I pick him up (and when I say pick him up, this really isn't a suspension) because they weren't sure that he could calm himself down for the rest of the day.

My response was.....talk, talk, talk, talk....till I was blue in the face. And then I told him that because I had to take time out of my day to get him at school - it's private school, so a bit of a drive for us - that he had to help me get my chores done for the day. I had him on laundry duty for most of the day. 2 weeks later and I'm still finding clothes that he "helped" put away.

[MariaMadly]

Talking is usually my first impulse, too, but I've found my two need to air their concerns and pressures before they can even take in a part of what I might have to offer. The hardest part of parenting for me is listening to my kids. Not as in "obey" but to hear them out. In a charged situation, they're so log-jammed that the only input to reach them is that of space for them to just file dump. To be honest, it also lets me off the hook of having to figure out what to say that'll work.

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Originally Posted by Ellen Griswold

My response was.....talk, talk, talk, talk....till I was blue in the face. And then I told him that because I had to take time out of my day to get him at school - it's private school, so a bit of a drive for us - that he had to help me get my chores done for the day. I had him on laundry duty for most of the day. 2 weeks later and I'm still finding clothes that he "helped" put away.

That was really good!

I wouldn't over-talk it though. Let him know that you support his teachers and the principal, and you will not make excuses for his behavior to try to get him out of trouble. But, even I can't stand lectures.

Fortunately, school is almost over, and you can all get a break soon.