Requesting that DD NOT be in a teachers class next yr-UPDATE post 13

[aslyn]

Hey Mammas I really need some advice on how to handle a situation with my DD.

She is 9 in 2nd grade going to 3rd next yr in all special ed classes on an IEP for Intellectual Disability (lower end of the functioning scale for MR in case your not familiar). 1 of her special ed classes is a multi-handicap room where she LOVES it she spends most of her day there. The teacher works with her patiently and she likes the other students etc The idea of this class is to work on her daily living skills and baby steps in academics since she is still working on a K level and will seem to be doing great then 1 day she forgets everything and you have to start over with her..shes still working on the days of the week/months of the year but shes forgetting less and less each time she sings the songs..which is AWESOME The other class is supposed to be for more of social skills with kids who are more on the line of learning disabilities (dyslexia,adhd etc) DD and her teacher in this class are having a MAJOR personality conflict. She just started in this class at the end of april, and its been nothing but drama. First DD brought pb crackers in for snack and instead of calling me to say "hey I got a kid with a peanut allergy" she got mad at DD (DD's words not mine) for continuing to bring in the pb..well how the heck am I supposed to know if you don't tell me? its not like she goes shopping or packs her snacks..she cant even wash her own hair, so what makes this teacher think I let her do the grocery shopping? (yeah im a bit peeved) I had to call HER to find out wtf DD was even talking about..which she gave me a bit of a 'tude because I wanted to nip it in the bud before it became a bigger issue. Well everyday DD comes home complaining about this teacher and how she gets mad at her for forgetting her reading words..for the past couple of weeks I have told her to just TRY to get along with her, theres always gonna be people we dont like blah blah..so tonight she comes home and says "Mrs X said your mommy needs to get a job and I am gonna call her today" WHAT?!!! Wth does my employment status have to do with HER? The fact is I have a job, my DH also has a job and we have 3 kids with another due on 6/15 so yeah I am quite offended about that statement. Yes we live in a higher income level area, and we are a low income family, but that doesnt mean we don't work hard..I happen to have a family member who rented this place to us because hes in a nursing home and needed the place taken care of and taxes paid etc..so I got an awesome deal but what biz is that of the school? I don't send the kids to school to decide if we are to poor to live here..they are in school to be educated. Even if she was talking about something completely different and my DD took it as derogatory its an issue, we also did NOT get a call, so it was apparantly an empty threat but I did tell DD that if she says shes gonna call me again to tell her go ahead and I wont be mad at DD if she does call me..DD also said she overheard the teacher and her student teacher about DD and how she did not want her next year when she goes into 3rd grade. I asked DD how she knew she was talking about her and she just said she knew it..again even if she WASNT talking about her specificly DD took it that way and now has the attitude "fine if they dont want me then I don't want them" which she comes by honestly, because as much as I preach to get along and be nice to everyone once I am done I am done and I will just not deal with that person anymore. The major issue to me is that DD thinks this woman hates her. And no matter what I say or do, DD sees it that way. She does NOT want to be in her class at ALL next year. My DH is FUMING over the whole thing about how shes a special ed teacher and should realize that DD is going to have issues thats why shes in all special ed classes, and now DH wants her to be homeschooled next year if she is put in her class. I am FULLY supportive of homeschooling BUT at this point in time it's not something I can add to my plate.

My hormone driven mamma bear emotional response is to go storming up there tommorrow morning and go off..BUT I know this will solve nothing, except maybe stress me out so much I go into labor. My clear headed thinking is an email to the principal with both the special ed teachers CC'd so there is a hard copy just in case things go badly and I need to go to the superintendent asking nicely that due to an obvious personality conflict DD not be in her class next year as I do not feel this is considered a least restrictive environment since DD is shutting down to the point where she doesnt even want to talk to the teacher. Not to mention the remark on our income status, not only did that totaly p*ss me off but they are required to teach and treat ALL students the same by federal law. And now my DD is feeling put down because we arent rich.

So WWYD? Are there any other options I haven't considered? I really don't want to just hope for the best here, and I feel that the staff needs to be made aware that DD is not happy with the current situation. I am worried about them taking it out on her though, but I think to blame a 9 yr old (typical kid or SN) for a personality conflict would be a bit childish on their behalf.

[sapphire_chan]

That unprofessional, unspeakable... ERRRRGGG.

It'll be more difficult because you work and can't just come get your dd for the time she would've been in that class, but I wouldn't let her stay in that class even the rest of this year if you can manage it at all.

Definitely a meeting with the teacher and the teacher's supervisor (usually the principal, but as a special education teacher it might be someone in the school district) is called for.

Sorry, I know you're going to get better advice in a bit, just wanted to be sure you knew that leaving your dd with that bullying horrible woman is not obligatory.

[KCMichigan]

As a SpecEd teacher, that sounds like she is burnt out and maybe not used to working with multi-needs kids!! She also needs to moderate her comments within earshot of students no matter what she is talking about. I honestly can say I often didnt know the income status of many of the kids I work with unless the kids tell me. Makes no difference to me. Sorry she made you and your DD feel bad about it. It is tough times right now, everyone is feeling it.

I would document date, wording, etc of things that concern you (as a teacher, they are encouraged to do this as well) when you daughter comes home and talks, you talk to the teachers/staff/ etc.

I would also see what other options there are for your DD. It does not sound like a positive situation.

Can you DD work on social skills w/ a social worker or peer group? I know that our district did a lot of social skill training/practice in small groups with the social worker. We also had 'big buddies' ( kids that are in Gen.Ed that paired up with younger Spec.Ed kids for lunch/recess/fun activities every week etc) that was big hit and really was a win win for social activities.

I would simply try to keep the drama low or they will take you less seriously that if you go in with facts and documentation. A well armed parent (informed and/or with reliable info) is much more likely to get fast responses from the staff. Also look in your area for a student advocate---we have had them for out students - they are impartial adults that work with Spec.Ed students and help represent their needs at IEPs.

You could also ask for an IEP revision to have her in the full time Spec.Ed. class with the favored teacher fulltime. Or a different Spec.Ed teacher for the social skills class.

Personality differences are often a reason GenEd teachers are request/not requested for the next year by parents since it can affect the childs education so severely if a 'clash' is really strong. Sometimes teachers and certain students are just not good fits for each other.

[aslyn]

sapphire_chan: Thank You I am really trying to stay level headed about it all. The mamma in me is screaming for a wrestling match LOL

KCMichigan: Thank you as well! My first impressions of it all are that shes burned out, tired of the school year and ready for vacation. I get that totaly and being a teacher is a thankless job where students and parents are all crazy (I admit I am!). I got really upset about the whole income thing, but honestly I can't even be sure she was being derogatory or saying something that DD took that way. DD functions in a 5 yr old world, so if you don't say exactly what you mean to her she will take it way out of context. I also think its likely she is not used to dealing with kids of DD level of needs. I do think she needs to be a bit more professional when speaking about the students, any student may have overheard that and taken it that she did not "want them" or "that other kid". I am glad to hear that I am not the only parent that requests for their kid not be with a certain teacher. I don't like drama in any form and really dont want to disrespect the staff or be some sort of a headcase with them as she is only the first of 4 to be going through that school.

Ironicly my Dad has that title, my nephews both went there 1 with Adhd and he dealt with the school when there was an issue, my maiden name struck a nerve with the principal when she asked (one of those looks to die for) since I also went to that school although only the music teacher is still there 25 yrs later.

I did go ahead and send an email requesting that her placement for next yr be with the multi-needs special ed teacher and kept it completely emotionless:

To Whom it May Concern;

As I am sure you are planning the next school year placement for all
of the current and incoming students at *school name*; We would like to
request that K be placed solely in Miss P's class next year for
her special education needs as described in her IEP. It has come to
our attention that there are some personality conflicts between K
and Mrs. A and while I am sure Mrs. A is a wonderful
teacher and a value to the School District, K
is not connecting with her and is shutting down on the learning
process. This would be a travesty as she has come so far these past
few months, and we are excited about all the progress she has made as
well as her enthusiasm for school. After speaking with K and
discussing this in great lengths we feel this would be the best option
for her in the least restrictive environment as required by the Ohio
Department Of Education and The Individuals with Disabilities Act of
2004.

If you have any questions please feel free to contact us.

Thank You,
Mr. & Mrs. M. B.

[karne]

I would gently say that I don't think that you really have enough information at this point to determine the whole picture. It sounds like the peanut butter issue was troublesome. But beyond that, have you taken the chance to sit down and meet with this teacher and hear how your dd is doing, from her perspective? Have you been in the classroom? I wonder if it's possible to observe, or volunteer so that you can get a first hand look. My point is that, while you still may end up requesting a different teacher, it's probably a good idea to have more first hand knowledge/experience upon which to base your request.

ETA: I don't mean to dismiss your mama bear instincts. Believe me, I am the same way. I have just learned to explore a little bit more when I am feeling like I need to take action-just to be sure 1. I have the fullest picture possible and 2. To be taken seriously-more likely when I am armed with first hand observation or facts.

[New_Natural_Mom]

I am confused why you haven't attempted to schedule a conference or speak to this teacher directly. No offense intended, but all you have is your DD's side of the story. Her side could be entirely valid, and in any case it is how she sees it (which is salient), but I think you should contact the teacher first to talk to her. At least this way you have more information. If at this point you aren't satisfied, go to the principal.

[aslyn]

karne: under any other situation I would be ITA. The thing with DD is though, that once she shuts down--she shuts down. There is no turning back there is no cohercing there is nothing she simply will tune you out. This isn't the first time this has happened, We hired a private tutor over the summer ( a group of them actualy) and with 1 she did ok for awhile, until 1 day the lady said something about DD not remembering her address and it wasnt ok..next thing I know DD was literaly having an emotional meltdown calling me to come get her. She would not even SPEAK to the lady after that. Another part of the group showed frustration when DD was having a hard time with the letters and dd took that as she didnt like her..again she wouldnt deal with her after that, she would go in the house if she came outside (she lived next door to us) I told the school this had happened, and they even mentioned during determination meeting that she is like this. She will not disrespect anyone, but she will not deal with a person if shes done with them.

Other than the email I sent, I really just dont know what to say or do. She did not even want to go to school today because of this teacher and I am seeing her getting to her point of no return, if that happens I don't know if I will be able to fix it. I HAVE to respect her feelings as she is the one that has to deal with this day in and out.

New_Natural_Mom: I did contact the teacher, she gave me an attitude and rushed me off the phone. I am not 1 for over the phone/undocumented conversations because most of the time a conversation is 1 sided and people only hear what they want to hear. I am really not at this point even blaming the teacher, I think she has a stronger personality then DD is able to deal with. Which in DD's case, can be detrimental to her.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Here they give you the option to opt out on a teacher every year. Maybe the school there has that as well?

[aslyn]

Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X

Here they give you the option to opt out on a teacher every year. Maybe the school there has that as well?

Well at the IEP meeting I was told that if one of the 2 classes wasnt working out for her they would be happy to re-adjust for next year. My thinking is that if she really WAS talking about DD in the conversation with the student teacher (which I have no way to know or even care to know really) She obviously sees that it isnt working and will not take offense to the request. Nor should it come as a big shock at that point.

[mtiger]

Actually... before getting all ticked off at the teacher, you might want to meet with her and get HER side of the story. Because I don't think you can take the story you get from a young child at 100% face value. Not saying kiddo's lying, but kids perceive things quite differently than adults do. And what you child told you was said may be quite different than what was actually said.

[aslyn]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Actually... before getting all ticked off at the teacher, you might want to meet with her and get HER side of the story. Because I don't think you can take the story you get from a young child at 100% face value. Not saying kiddo's lying, but kids perceive things quite differently than adults do. And what you child told you was said may be quite different than what was actually said.

ITA, BUT that is the problem with DD, once she perceives things to be a certain way there is no turning back from it. That is how she thinks and functions. She sees things in black and white there is no grey area for her. My feelings on the teacher do not matter, wether the teacher said things in a totaly different context it doesnt matter. DD took it one way..and there is NOTHING the teacher or I can do to change her mind. The teachers and staff ALL are well aware of this, She was PRESENT during the meeting where this was discussed in great detail. So really there is no excuse as to why a professional who is aware of her needs would not see this as a sign that maybe making comments (even with the best intentions) about her mother/income or showing signs of frustration with DD because of her disability might not be the best idea.

Please understand I am not even blaming the teacher, YES I was ticked..who wouldnt be? but I am able to look at both sides of the story..now its just a matter of making sure my DD doesn't just completely shut down at school because what would be the point in sending her if she isn't going to learn anything due to her inability to see things abstractly.

[karne]

It seems that you have two issues here. One is that you heard some info from your dd about what she perceived her teacher saying and you reacted strongly to that, and the other is your daughter's reaction to her teacher, and your concern that she may not be able to function in a learning environment with her, based on your dd's past experiences.

If I were in your shoes, I would table the letter for now in favor of a face to face meeting with your dd's IEP coordinator or primary teacher, and talk this through. Even if you come up with the same plan, to request a different teaching situation, the way you go about it will be important. I am assuming that your dd has more years to go in the system you are in, and it benefits you to have a collaborative model for solving problems. I realize that's a two way street, but if you can approach the situation with that mindset it may help. This may not be the last time your dd has an experience that makes her shut down with staff, so in some ways this situation is going to help you set the bar for how you and the team handle this. I am also sure that this isn't the first time they have seen this situation, so the school may have some suggestions for the long term as well.

It may well be that your instinct that your dd not be with this particular teacher is for the best next year. And, yes, by all means advocate for what your dd needs, which may go smoothly, or may need more "push". It's probably wise to begin the conversation with dialog though.

[aslyn]

karne I took your advice and requested an meeting, We talked about the issues and where DD is sliding back and forth..And decided to stick with the same structure for next year with some extra motivations. She has decided she wants to be a singer/actress and so we are playing it up that if she REALLY wants that we (the staff and us as parents) would do everything in our power to help her achieve that goal..BUT she has to do her part and try her best. The teacher admitted that she is firm, and I agreed that is her job..by allowing them to say I cant do this or that and not do it..its just enabling them to not make an effort. Both DH and I are on board, and glad that things are working out without a bunch of drama.

[karne]

I'm relieved for you, and I hope it works out OK. I know that you've had a long road, but what a strong advocate you've been.