Helping husband see the pluses of small town/country life

[holidaymama]

I need some advice/encouragement/whatever you have to say

Background: hubby and I grew up in a rural town in MN. He lived on a farm (although it was just a hobby farm) and I grew up in town (1800 people). When we graduated from college, we moved to Dallas TX (suburbs) for teaching jobs. We bought a house as north as you can go without being totally in the country...but it's a planned community and we literally have no yard. Also, the people here are so different then up north...such a keeping up with the Jones mentality...and moving home to MN is not an option

Anyway, we have two boys who are farm boys at heart, and I wish we could move to a small town...somewhere close enough to drive to a suburb for jobs, but where the boys can go to small schools and we can have a little land...even if it's only an acre. Oh, and trees...I miss trees!

But, hubby doesn't want anything to do with it...he says we have friends where we are and that is that. How would you try to lay out the pluses of small town or am I doomed to city life?

[1stimestar]

He is saying that you are staying there and that is that? No disucssion? How about you tell him you are moving and that is that?

[1jooj]

Honestly, I'd try to keep the conversation going. We had no difficulty reaching the conclusion together before we moved, but I do have a friend who moved after convincing her dh. In their case, dh is the breadwinner and now has to drive 2 hours a day round trip, plus he typically works 10-hour days plus half days Saturday. So there my friend is, on her acreage, with her kids and her animals and garden, and not enough help to do all the work. Her dh is really good at gardening but is either not home or too tired/burned out to help, and when she tries to demand more of him, he reminds her that she is doing what she wanted in the first place. It's not a great situation, but she forced the move and he is still not 100% there.

Also, in their case, they moved up to a payment about 5x what they had been paying for their small city home (same income, with incremental raises). Increased their fuel costs immensely, going from one car to two and going from a 25-min drive to an hour for work.

Not that this has to be the case for you. In our case, we'd been on a 15-year mortgage, so we were already making bigger house payments that absolutely necessary. Our jump in monthly housing costs was about 30% and our heating costs are actually lower. Dh's drive is the same, my trip to work is longer (went from 1mi to 5), but we are both 110% on board.

I think it's an exposure thing. You plan your family outings/activities in that direction. Look for the small-town festivals, parades, etc. Look at listings for country homes and JUST LOOK for a while. See what happens. Discuss what he really means when he says you have friends where you are and that's that. What does he really love, what does he absolutely have to keep, etc. He just might not feel like he has time/choice to think about it now.

Also, how old are you? Not to pry, just wondering. I thought I was destined for city life, and had no designs on moving back to a farm, ever ever, until suddenly when I was 30 and it hit me hard. Hit dh at the same time, and he was 40.

[limette]

I don't have any advice just some experience.

My husband was completely opposed to the idea of moving to the country and homesteading since I brought it up a couple of years ago.

I've been obsessed with the idea and read about it frequently, it comes up in conversation a lot because it's an interest of mine.

Dh finally came on board in the past month or so. He has become disillusioned with slaving for bosses who have no appreciation for him. His current employer would have him working 24/day 7days/week and would still not be happy. We plan to start farming for ourselves and seeing how it goes from there. He'll have to get a job eventually (going on paternity leave) but ultimately he wants to be self-employed.

He has also become more interested in being self-sufficient and he sees the move as a way to achieve that. He's capable of hard labor and has experience with some of the activities required on a homestead.

So for us it was waiting for him to have the shift in thinking. It was never going to happen if we both weren't completely on board and I don't think there would have been a way for me to convince when he wasn't ready.

[holidaymama]

I really appreciate the kind comments and encouragement I need them!

We are 26 at the moment with two kiddos ages 8 and 4. So we are very young and just starting out. We did talk a little last night about my concern about having our boys in big school districts and how I would prefer a smaller town...with some land. So I am just getting the bug out there.

We have looked at a couple of small towns not too much furher away, but they were kind of icky and gave him this bias that all small towns around here must be like that.

As far as housing costs and income, what would be ideal is if we could keep teaching in one of the bigger districts for financial reasons, but have our boys go to school in the smaller district...husband is going to start his masters for education to be a principal, so maybe when he is done and looking for a job, the smaller districts will look good to him because they are more willing to hire with less experience. And home prices, we have a super cheap mortgage right now because we wanted to start off small so we could get used to being in a house (our first) and what types of bills come up...I am rambling...nothing is set in stone...I just have this itch to get back to a small town...an itch I have had since we moved to the city!

[Arduinna]

I think the complicating factor is that your husband has lived the country life, so it's not like he is uninformed. I'd guess there has to be more to his resistance than just " we have friends here". I'd try and find out what the other reasons are and go from there.

I will say that having been in a situation where I was basically forced to move somewhere I didn't want to go, I couldn't wait to leave and constantly talked about moving. We only moved here because of work and my husbands career but I never wanted to come here and even though it took years I'm so glad we are finally leaving. But we couldn't get to a place of being able to leave, until we were both in agreement in where to go.

[Chicky2]

Come out to my little farm. Sounds like you are not far away.....My dh works in Grapevine and we live 45 minutes from there...

Of course, we're all just backwoods hicks out here, so he may not like that, roflmao!

Pm me if you want to talk country life in this area....

[ghostlykisses]

HolidayMama, are you my long lost sister or just inside my head

I have been going through major depression because life in suburbia is the most soul crushing experience of my life and I want out. My husband is not really on board. He likes our house, sigh. Mostly he just does not want to pack and move again, sigh again. I don't like our house, it is too big and wasteful and we can't afford it. My mother-in-law bought it for us in May 2009 so we could rent to own. I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it here though.

H A T E.

I want to get back into the country and be able to do what I want and have more challenging things to do than decide which Walmart to go to (SIGH). I really would like to move to an intentional community eco-village type place. My husband is scared of that. He has agreed to go see one near us. I think it is mostly because he wants to shut me up and he is just curious. The biggest problem is if we can not find an agreement or middle ground one of us is going to be miserable. At this point in time it looks like that person is going to be me because I don't know how to get out of this house even if we want to.

I guess I am not helpful. I just wanted to share with others who are feeling the same way.

[Bekka]

I would keep looking at all the little towns around you within an hour radius of his job. I have a family member living in Granbury, south-ish (bit fuzzy here), maybe west-ish of Fort Worth. Also teaching. They like it, there's a bit of a tourism economy b/c of boating (Lake), and so there's a bit of a "cute little downtown" appeal they liked; others may not.

I expect you just need to find the balance. They have 1/2 acre, which is SMALL where they live, but big enough for a big garden, and they are planning more and more...

[holidaymama]

Hubby and I had some good talks this weekend. He is open to exploring our options and I have made it clear that we don't have to live out in the middle of nowhere! We can live on the edge of a small town and still find an acre or two. I also said that it's not like I am looking to move tomorrow...maybe another year or so. We can save a little more.

Something that helps is that I said we could probably find something where his parents could come down with their horses and stay with us in their camper...that made his eyes light up a little

We are both teachers, and he is going to be starting his masters for admin, so it was also appealing to him that he may have an easier time finding a job in a more rural area as a starting principal.

In the mean time, I will just continue to make it clear the direction I wish to go and keep on be as much of a homemaker as I can with an outside job

[Chicky2]

My BIL just got on at a university in SD. Before that, they always lived in really small towns (or near them) because he found it easier to find teaching jobs.

Glad you all talked and that he is keeping his mind open. I just don't think I could ever live in town again.