I'm a little upset with daycare worker: WWYD? (LONG!)

[Alisse]

So one of the daycare ladies had a talk with me about various issues regarding my relatively high-needs son, and to be fair, she approached it from a very lets-work-together kind of approach.

One of the issues was whether or not he was getting enough tummy time at home. I explained that he doesn't much like tummy for more than a few minutes at a time, and only if he rolls onto his tummy. I also explained that for "exercise" we either hold/wear him, let him play on the floor with his toys (but we have to be nearby or he gets upset), or he plays in his exersaucer. She asked because she felt his arms were a little weak for his age, (he'll be 8months tomorrow). Right now he's able to: sit unassisted, creep backwards, and pull up onto his knees by grabbing things/furniture/etc. I dunno am i reading the web incorrectly or is he actually ok for his age???

The other issue is regarding his need to be with someone all the time, including his need to nap in a carrier. Background: He'll play with toys, but only if someone is right beside him, he wants to be held A LOT, and will usually wake after about 5mins if placed on a bed/crib to sleep. I understand that he is quite demanding and it's difficult to be with him all the time when there are other babies to be taken care of, but i'm a little upset by the fact that she said that she wanted to brainstorm ways in which he could be left unattended longer because there were other babies that would need tending to sometimes, (i should add that she isn't the only worker in the infant room that my son is in). I told her what my husband and i do sometimes to find time to do things around the house, but apparently, for example, he doesn't like the exersaucer at the daycare etc. I'm angry because i want to know whether or not they are able to take care of him, because if they're not, i'll need to do something like find a nanny/someone who can take GOOD care of my son without complaining AND my husband and i pay a good deal to have him there 5days a week (~$2000/month).

I wasn't upset at all yesterday when i spoke to her about these things. But after i've had time to think about it, i'm getting really angry and am really trying quite hard to think rationally about what to do.

Do i have a "talk" with her about the above issues (and i must warn i'm not going to be very nice i think...not mean...just not nice), do i approach the directer of the daycare? (I don't want to do this because he's a friend of mine and even though i'm angry i don't want to get her in unnecessary trouble...because if it is the case that it would be more appropriate to have him with a nanny, then that's the way it is right?), or should i just pull him out of daycare all together and just find a nanny? The reason why i'm leaning towards the last way is because i fear that he's seen as a difficult child with allll the daycare staff.

OMG i'm so angry right now.

HELP! What would you do???!!!!!

[mkksmom]

He sounds like he is developing just fine. He also sounds a lot like my soon to be 8 month old dd. How many kids are in the room? I can tell you that I have babysat twins and there was no way I could make them both happy at all times. It frustrated me, but I wasn't frustrated with *them*. Even with my LO, I am homeschooling my older dd, and there are times where she has to fuss in the high chair a bit while I am say cooking lunch for my older dd. As long as she is talking to him assuring him that she is right there, I'd be OK with a little crying for a minute or 2. However, if she is expecting to be able to drop him in an exersaucer for 30 minutes, that wouldn't be OK. I think for me, it would depend on how she said it. I think I'd work with her a little and maybe provide her with an Ergo if she would wear it. At the same time, I'd casually keep an eye out for a nanny. There are issues with a nanny, like there is only one person home with your child all day so no one to check on them and make sure they are taking good care of your baby. But the one-on-one attention is good if you can find the right person.

[nola79]

This is a tough one. How many other babies are in the room? How many other workers? Your son sounds fine developmentally. It sounds like you pay a lot for daycare, but maybe you're in a high COL area. I'm not saying you're paying too much, just saying for that kind of money, I would expect very good care. That being said, it is a daycare and the thing about daycare is that the children don't get the one on one time as much as they would with in home care or a nanny because there are so many children to take care of. I would talk with her, nicely, and give her the suggestions you mentioned in the OP. Then, go from there.

[crunchy_mommy]

Well it sounds like she really wanted to work with you on this... The question is, are you willing to work with her? Which things that she mentioned do you feel are real 'problems' and which issues do you feel you don't want to work on? I.E. if you don't mind working on tummy time but you think he should nap in a carrier and they aren't willing to do this, that might point toward looking for a nanny. I have a high-needs 15mo and I cannot fathom leaving him in daycare even now, but especially when he was younger, he just needed way more 1-on-1 time than a daycare could provide (luckily I WAH so it's not an issue). But you are paying them good money, and I bet you could find a nanny for the same rate.

I think tummy time is, well, dumb. My DS did maybe 10 minutes total of tummy time in his whole life -- he hated it so much -- and he has developed just fine, probably a little ahead of schedule. It sounds like your little guy is fine, why does she think he doesn't have enough arm strength? Is your doctor concerned about this?

If you like having him in daycare (for the interaction with other kids or the multiple caretakers or whatever it is that drew you to the center in the first place), then I would talk to the woman and try not to act too angry/defensive. Outline exactly which things you think are reasonable to work on & which ones you feel THEY need to adapt to HIM instead. Tell her point-blank (but not aggressively) that if she doesn't think they can care for your son, you need to know.

Otherwise, I'd find a nanny...

[sweetpeppers]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Well it sounds like she really wanted to work with you on this... The question is, are you willing to work with her? Which things that she mentioned do you feel are real 'problems' and which issues do you feel you don't want to work on? I.E. if you don't mind working on tummy time but you think he should nap in a carrier and they aren't willing to do this, that might point toward looking for a nanny. I have a high-needs 15mo and I cannot fathom leaving him in daycare even now, but especially when he was younger, he just needed way more 1-on-1 time than a daycare could provide (luckily I WAH so it's not an issue). But you are paying them good money, and I bet you could find a nanny for the same rate.

I think tummy time is, well, dumb. My DS did maybe 10 minutes total of tummy time in his whole life -- he hated it so much -- and he has developed just fine, probably a little ahead of schedule. It sounds like your little guy is fine, why does she think he doesn't have enough arm strength? Is your doctor concerned about this?

If you like having him in daycare (for the interaction with other kids or the multiple caretakers or whatever it is that drew you to the center in the first place), then I would talk to the woman and try not to act too angry/defensive. Outline exactly which things you think are reasonable to work on & which ones you feel THEY need to adapt to HIM instead. Tell her point-blank (but not aggressively) that if she doesn't think they can care for your son, you need to know.

Otherwise, I'd find a nanny...

I agree with her. And $2,000 a month would get you a good nanny, and you could find someone who would take care of him the way you want.

[blessedwithboys]

this is why i never left my babies with strangers. no one will care for my child the way i would.

and it works both ways. yrs ago when i was a nanny, i APed the little girl and her parents fired me in favor of a daycare as they thought my methods were creating a HN baby. I would have been thrilled to know my baby was never left to CIO and all it cost me was $125/wk, but i guess thats just me.

if i were you, i would advertise in your tribal areas for a like minded carer for your LO. if you seek out a SAHM who is SAH bc of not wanting a non-AP carer you will probably find just the carer you are looking for. gosh, does that even make sense? LOL

[Boot]

It sounds like a nanny would be a better fit for you, to be honest. I don't think it's realistic to expect a day care worker to give your son her undivided attention the whole time even if there is a high ratio of carers. The other parents are also paying a lot of money for their babies to be well looked after.

As far as his development goes, I don't know enough babies to comment. The daycare worker DOES know a lot of babies though so I would assume that there is some validity in what she is saying. Probably nothing to worry over though.

You mentioned that you are angry several times. It might be worth examining more closely exactly why this is. You say you understand that he is demanding and that other babies need attention. It doesn't sound like the daycare worker is being unreasonable at all is asking for ideas to keep him occupied for a few minutes. Obviously they are sensitive to his needs or they would just plonk him in the excersaucer which they have told you he doesn't like there. You also mentioned that you don't want to get the worker in to trouble by going over her head. What do you think she would be in trouble for? I don't want to come across as harsh, it must be so hard to drop your baby off somewhere every day and not know if he is happy. Maybe your anger is stemming from anxiety over this. Just something to consider.

[tessie]

Originally Posted by blessedwithboys

this is why i never left my babies with strangers. no one will care for my child the way i would.

I don't think this is particularly helpful to the OP. Many mamas have no option but to work.

OP, what is the ratio of staff to babies?

You son sounds well within the realm of normal but perhaps like my child he needs a bit more stimulation/interaction? What kind of activities do they do with the babies? I do think though that working on ways for him to be ok on his own for a few minutes isn't necessarily a bad thing, if it's approached appropriately and given that she was asking your opinion it sounds as though they are trying to approach it appropriately rather than just dumping him in a swing or whatever.

If, however, you want someone who can give him undivided attention then perhaps you would be better off with a nanny.

And please don't talk with the daycare worker until you've calmed down. If you do want your son to continue to go there, even if it's only until you find alternative care, you need to have a good relationship with the staff.

I hope you can find a solution that works for you and your son.

[ericaness]

i am not sue about the developmental aspect, but i will address your other concern. i used to work in the infant room at a pretty reputable daycare. it was me and another caregiver with 8 babies (4:1 ratio). after working there, i vowed to do whatever i could to avoid sending my kids to a daycare, simply because i saw how difficult it was to give good one on one care to the kids. pretty much at all times a child needs to be fed or diapered. so, if one cargiver is feeding a baby and another is diapering a baby, the rest of the babies need to sit without direct contact for at least a couple minutes (diaper changes take longer than home due to the cleanliness standards at good daycares). we had a couple high needs babies while i was there, and a couple babies who parents were AP. it was really hard because a daycare provider just cannot give the constant individual attention. and sadly, that also means that the kids who are more content to play quietly by themselves do not get as much interaction as the kids who need constant interaction. i dont know id giving the daycare provider an ergo would be a good solution either. she would surely need to do a lot of bending over to pick up other babies, and would probably relish the moment to sit back in a rocker to feed another baby, which would be hard to do if she had a baby sleeping on her back. i think that for a high needs child, nanny care is a much better option. that way the child gets the attention he/she needs, and there is less stress on the daycare workers. when i worked at daycare, i was constantly frustrated because i wanted to care for the children to the best of my ability, but did not feel i could give each of them enough attention.

[texmati]

my son is 8 months old and sounds jsut like yours!

We have a nanny/mother's helper (for much, much less than 2000 a month-- we could never afford that).

DS just needs alot of individual attention-- no one could give that to hime in a daycare setting.

There are a lot of drawbacks to a nanny situation, but it is very nice to be able to have control over the kind of attention your DS is receiving.