have you ever gone on strike? - Page 2

[Amynf1]

Originally Posted by welsh

Even now, DH is so messy. He just doesn't seem to see the plates, glasses etc he leaves lying around the house. I blame his Mother! And I've told her so!
My DS will be different!!

Yes yes yes! i totally blame my MIL for my husbands messiness. She didn't cater to him, cleaning after him or whatever but she never insisted that he do anything. He never had to clean his room or do any chores. She doesn't keep a particularly clean house anyway so I guess she just didn't care. I have said the exact same thing, my DS will be different! I don't want his wife to feel like that about me some day or to have to clean up after him she's his mom or maid.

That said, after three years of marriage, my husband has gotten *somewhat* better. And i've gotten over getting pissed about it because it's not worth it, I just tell him what to do and he (usually) does it. I don't expect him to clean the house or do the regular chores, I stay home and he works but I do expect that he picks up after himself, like taking dishes to the sink, putting dirty clothes in the basket, etc. His only chores are taking out the garbage and keeping our water stocked (we can't drink tap here, we use 5gal jugs on a water cooler). If I see he is slacking and leaving stuff laying around, I just say 'you need to clean up xyz.' I used to feel like I shouldn't have to say those sort of things but I learned it was easier to just say it and he'd do it that fight about it or create extra work for myself.

[craft_media_hero]

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse

He really isn't, though! I mean, you don't hate each other, right?

I'm not a terribly neat person by nature and what someone like me is saying is "I'm in a hurry to get to work and it's the first thing in the morning and I'm sleepy. Flies aren't circling the sinki, so I'm only barely aware that the sink even exists." or "I'm starving and I've got to eat my sandwich right now and I can always wipe down the counter later" and then he wanders off and eats his sandwich and lalala he forgets about the counter because he can't see it in front of him anymore.

Someone who is on the messy side is usually NOT thinking "I will force my beloved to clean this horrible horrible mess because I don't love her, ha ha ha, how she'll suffer!" -- he simply isn't thinking about messes at all. It doesn't occur to him that hairs in the sink are a big problem, and he doesn't notice their presence much and doesn't notice when they disappear. In his mental list of "things that must be done by someone" there is no entry for "wipe up the tiny beard hairs that fall in the sink."

Okay, true, true! Thanks for the perspective. I just will say, hey dude wipe the sink and he'll say-- I'll get to it later it's not time to clean the bathroom it's ____ time (I know he's busy and has very little down time), and I just grit my teeth coz I know he'll forget about it and I will get to it next time I swish the bathroom.

Originally Posted by moonmama22

Yes - and like pps have said, then I just end up frustrated because the mess has multiplied. AND I am not married to a man, AND my dw cleans other people's houses for a living. She helps with the basics, like laundry and vaccuuming, but the clutter, and stuff just left where it ends up doesn't bother her like it bothers me, so I end up stomping around the house picking everyone's crap up. It is a constant argument.

Good to know that it's not solely a gender issue! The clutter drives me crazy, too. I cannot STAND crap all over table and counter surfaces, and that is my own obsession, so I try to make a point to go through and make sure that the coffee table, dining table, and kitchen counters are relatively free from extraneous items before bed; that way I wake up and I'm not all when I see the surfaces.


BTW, I try to stick to a modified Fly Lady system. I don't get the emails or do the zones along with the group, but I do have a control journal and daily routines. I never thought I would need "go outside and drink water" as a list item to do every day, but just having these little steps on paper to look at and remind me keeps me relatively sane and the house relatively in order. I have daily major tasks like Monday is major clean-up and laundry, Tuesday is garden/fridge/menu plan, Wednesday is major kitchen work, etc. Also, if it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done; I forgive myself and the house and let it wait til the next day/week that the task rolls around in my control journal *shrug* I think having a laid-out system like fly lady is worth a try. Being domestic and keeping the house in order does NOT come naturally to me, so I have to train myself. Like a dog.

If I were working full-time, I would probably set up the 'control journal' to be more family-public (vs. specific to me) and make it very clear that these tasks MUST to be done on their specific days and really try to hold the whole household accountable for sticking to the lists, then hope that dp would start to see more of what happens to keep us from spinning into chaos.


Sooo jealous of you mamas who are saying your partner does equal/most at this point. I really can't even imagine my dp taking the initiative to do all this stuff--it's just not as much of a priority for him--it really doesn't bother him if the bathtub gets manky, for instance. Lucky lucky ladies!

[neonalee]

Originally Posted by craft_media_hero

Sooo jealous of you mamas who are saying your partner does equal/most at this point. I really can't even imagine my dp taking the initiative to do all this stuff--it's just not as much of a priority for him--it really doesn't bother him if the bathtub gets manky, for instance. Lucky lucky ladies!

Me too! I don't really have any examples that I know of where the housework is equal. The partners either rarely do anything or my friends are stay at home moms or single moms. When I'm not fed up I feel like I have a great partner. He's very loving and caring and takes care of me. It's just this one thing, that happens to be a hot button for me! And I really don't mind doing more than he does, what I do mind is having to tell him what to do (when he already has a posted list that he agreed to). I mean, isn't that the purpose of the list? So I don't have to nag him and I don't have to do his chores??

The only housework I have done since first posting this is to wash out my water bottle, and feed the cats yesterday morning. We'll see how the weekend goes. He's actually pretty astute, so there is a small chance the results will be good. Last night I had a call confirming the time our old fridge is getting picked up by the utility company for recycling. It had to be booked almost a month in advance because it's a weekend pickup, but now we have something to do late tomorrow afternoon. They weren't able to change the pickup to the morning and he wanted me to change to date. I looked at him and said 'How about this. I'll give you the phone number and if you want to change the date you can do so'. Oh, I should probably mention that he was supposed to schedule this 3 MONTHS AGO. I got tired of nagging and did it myself. About 5 minutes later he asked if I meant to be condescending or it just sounded that way. I said no, but this was something he was supposed to do and I was irritated that after I finally did it for him that wasn't good enough. So ... well. Who knows. We'll see.

[guerrabug45]

I go on strike about every 6-9 months. I find a nice long novel, lock myself in the messy bedroom and read. Eventually, by the end of the weekend DH gets the hint, and picks up the slack. I wish it didn't have to come to that, but it always does. On the positive note, because of my history of PPROM, DH has taken over ALL household duties. I think this lesson will last a lifetime, I doubt that when I am once again able to do housework all of it will rest on my shoulders. Good luck mama!

[Terrilein]

I think another point to keep in mind - in the Flylady spirit - is not to be too picky about how well your DH or children clean. If you aren't happy with the results of their efforts, then you're going to have to do the work yourself. Even shoddy housework blesses your family!

[lrgs]

Originally Posted by *KaiMom*

I've learned to just ask for more help. NO he doesn't see the dishes in the sink, NO he doesn't see the laundry, NO he doesn't see the nasty toilet...and he never will. So I just say, "hey honey can you take the trash out before xyz" It has been a long road for me but I'm slowly finding that I can't do everything and when I try and then fail the outcome isn't good on my or my marriage.

I had to take the direct approach for a long time too, he used to need me tell him exactly what had to be done or how he could help otherwise it just didn't occur to him to do it. Now it's starting to become mostly automatic for him and I'm super happy about that.

[frolick16]

I can relate to kosheng, our house is less than 1000 square foot and to most that would mean easy to stay on top of, in theory...reality is, no one picks up after themselves. By the time the three kids are in bed for the night the dishes always need done AGAIN, the laundry needs done AGAIN, and I am TIRED!!! I have already done dishes, laundry, vacuumed...we have a dog that is shedding, I vacuum twice a day and there are still huge dust balls of hair everywhere. UGH! Not to mention my DH who comes in from the garden/work and I can basically follow his trail of dirt and hand prints. When I ask him to help he is tired from work or just plain doesn't want to do it. I had the genius idea to shuffle all the kids around so that DH and I could get out of the basement and give it to the 16 yo who is much happier underground. Now all the rooms are a mess, all the junk has been uncovered, I am 6 weeks away from delivery and have some schoolwork to finish up, and no one seems to care but me.

btw-I shot myself in the foot by being a clean freak and having selective OCD, so that no one could meet my previous standards and I would rather just do it myself. Now with school my standards have lapsed but I have taught everyone the behavior of, mom will do it.

[AmyKT]

DH and I used to argue about this periodically. Actually, I would argue and he would give me the silent treatment while agreeing to go along with my "chore chart" and things would go ok for a while and then he would fall of the wagon and I'd get mad again, ad nauseum. He does a really good job of keeping the dishes and laundry going, and he picks up more than the typical man would, and he does almost all the cooking, but I'd get angry that I was the only one who ever considered cleaning a toilet, vacuuming, or mopping the floors.

Then we hired a cleaner to come in once every 2 weeks, and if nothing substantial gets done in between, I'm not completely stressed. It was the best thing we've ever, ever, EVER, done for our marriage. I highly recommend it. Even a once-a-month cleaning makes a world of difference.

[lrgs]

Originally Posted by frolick16

I can relate to kosheng, our house is less than 1000 square foot and to most that would mean easy to stay on top of, in theory...reality is, no one picks up after themselves. By the time the three kids are in bed for the night the dishes always need done AGAIN, the laundry needs done AGAIN, and I am TIRED!!! I have already done dishes, laundry, vacuumed...we have a dog that is shedding, I vacuum twice a day and there are still huge dust balls of hair everywhere. UGH! Not to mention my DH who comes in from the garden/work and I can basically follow his trail of dirt and hand prints. When I ask him to help he is tired from work or just plain doesn't want to do it. I had the genius idea to shuffle all the kids around so that DH and I could get out of the basement and give it to the 16 yo who is much happier underground. Now all the rooms are a mess, all the junk has been uncovered, I am 6 weeks away from delivery and have some schoolwork to finish up, and no one seems to care but me.

btw-I shot myself in the foot by being a clean freak and having selective OCD, so that no one could meet my previous standards and I would rather just do it myself. Now with school my standards have lapsed but I have taught everyone the behavior of, mom will do it.

I hear you on the shedding dog thing, keeping up with ours was like a part-time job. We had to re-home her because of aggression issues (she had to go to go to a home without kids after bitting DD a few times) and the amount of work off my plate now is pretty amazing.