Really push potty learning for preschool?

[catters]

DS will be three in August. He is not using the potty regularly at all. If he is naked, he has no trouble sitting on his potty for either poop/pee. If he's wearing any sort of undergarment, training pant, what have you, he goes in them. He also will not ever let me know when he has to go, and if you ask (say, after a meal, or a snack or something) he will not say he has to go, then will anyway. Sooo, in order to attend the Montessori preschool (or ANY preschool we've visited), he must be using the bathroom on his own. I haven't pushed potty learning at all. I've offered, he knows what it's for, we've talked about it, we're open about it when we go, always have, etc. But he's just not interested, it seems in making it any sort of regular event. And I don't want to force him to sit every hour on it to try to "schedule it". I don't want to push anything, but I think he'd really enjoy this Montessori school program. He's very verbal, extremely active and physical, and independent, yet we are really not moving forward on this at all.
Do I NOT put him in preschool so I can let him just decide when he's ready to use the potty and he misses out on a year? Or do I really start stressing the potty use now?
How would I do that where I am not "training" him. All my friends whose children are his age are already using the potty by themselves, but they are a) girls and b) have older siblings and they just told their parents that they were done with diapers.

Help?! Is it worth it to try to get him using it by himself so he can go to preschool, or just not..? Thank you for reading!

[claras_mom]

I wouldn't push it, nor would I worry about him "missing out" on a year of preschool. You can tell him that when he goes potty all the time, he'll be able to go to these fun schools, but that's about as far as I'd go. Dd1 took her own sweet time potty learning, so I've been there.

[kittykat2481]

I don't see how taking him potty every hour or so is harming him in any way. It's not like you'd be holding him down on the potty or forcing him to sit there until he goes. Make some sort of game out of it. We used to sing DS's favorite songs at potty time, so he came to look forward to it for that reason. If he's ready, that's all it will take. If not, it won't work. No harm.

What finally worked for us was that DS hated the feeling of his pants getting wet, so we just did away with diapers and went shopping for cool new underwear. It took less than a week at 23 months old, and with no tears, charts, tricks, etc.

[Azik's mom]

Im in the same situation. I've decided to just leave it alone. Two of the schools I was seriously considering has this as a requirement. One suggested that I bring him and see what happens. But I decided not to push it. He isn't ready for that. I think that being away from me will be a change and that's enough for him to deal with so we will stake the potty in strides. What really made me decide not to push it was that I felt as though I would be setting him up for failure and putting undue pressure on him.

He uses the potty sometimes and will even ask for it. But it's a hit and miss situation. Interestingly whenever he senses Im upset (e.g. the other day I took away his ball after I repeatedly told him not to play with it in the kitchen) he dissapears for the few mins and comes back and announces that he was on potty and sure enough he was.

They are only this age once. I think just encouraging them is good, and having the potty nearby and reminding them to use to potty is enough. They will get it eventually. Some days are better than others.

[lifeguard]

I don't see a rush for preschool. Let it go.

[catters]

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Up until we visited this one school, I was very much set that we were going to wait until he was four to start school. In fact, I am very much considering homeschool. But I liked this place a lot. As well, we are moving to this community from across the country, so it would be a nice way for him and me and DD to meet people. But I guess I am just going to see what happens. I'll keep encouraging the potty, try more visits to it, and see. Maybe I can defer at the school until he's ready. Thanks again!

[mamadelbosque]

Your DS sounds like mine a few months ago!! What finally 'worked' for us was this:

For about a month we just let him run around naked at home. He didn't pee/poop just wherever if he was naked - he'd hold it and then go to the potty. After a while, we discoverd that if we just put pants (but *NO* underwear/diaper/training pant/etc on), he'd still hold it. So, for several months he ran around w/ pants but no undies/diaper/etc on. About a month ago he started wearing undies too and not peeing in them: )

[JessieBird]

Here's another idea in case you decide not to postpone preschool - does the Montessori offer a day care or younger toddler program (called Nido and Bambini in French where I am but they may have different English names in your area)? If so, could you start your son there 2-3 days a week now or at least a few weeks in advance of when you were planning to start the preschool? If not, then is there another Montessori that does?

The reason I suggest this is that they will provide gentle potty learning in the school setting and he will benefit from watching the older children (even if only a few months older) use the potty. Also, the very repetitive routine that Montessori follows is really condusive to potty learning.

My son is in a Montessori school and has just started potty learning at 18 mos and it's incredible how effective the group setting is. Also, having teachers who are doing nothing but paying attention to the children's needs (as opposed to trying to do all the houseworky things that I need to get done while making meals and playing with my son and remembering to offer the potty once an hour or whatever) means that the potty can be an important and constant part of their day. It's not forced, it's just very present all the time. I really like the Montessori approach to potty learning and maybe you would too instead of putting all the pressure on yourself to do it at home only.

[kcstar]

DS will be 3 in September, and had shown no interest in potty learning. We're starting to talk with him more about it, so that he's starting to be interested in wearing training pants instead of diapers. But he hasn't gone in the potty in several months (since we last tried pushing it).

We're starting him in a Montessori preschool in June. The school also has on their website that children should be potty trained, but when we talked with them they've said they actually have a few who aren't quite there yet. Since at the moment we're only planning two mornings a week, we don't expect it to be too big of a deal. (Maybe one diaper a day, and he might even be okay until pickup.)

While we'll continue to work on it in the week and a half before he starts school, I think he'll be motivated even more by seeing the other children use the potty.

My suggestion for you is to talk to the school you're interested in and see how firm or flexible the rule really is. At our son's ages, the real interest is getting some social interaction and the experience of a Montessori classroom. Maybe your son could also start with a very part-time schedule, and work his way up as he gets older.

Since DS was born after the school cutoff, he'll actually be 6 when he starts regular kindergarten. The Montessori we've found is for 2.5-6 years old. I figure if my son goes two days a week when he turns three, three days a week when he turns four, and perhaps either full-time or five mornings when he turns five, he'll be pretty well socialized for school and should easily be ready for kindergarten at six.

[sapphire_chan]

How does he do with just pants, no undies? Or with boxers?

For a lot of kids, the thing that helps them start to really "get" potty learning is being around other kids who use the potty.

[ssh]

My DD's preschool doesn't require potty training. It's a co op preschool so it's not really expensive and she loved it. We were in the same situation last spring and then in July my DD decided to use the toilet and never wore another pullup. She was 3.5. We didn't push at all just mentioned that someday she'd use the toilet like everyone else and got one of those soft seat things that fit on the toilet and a potty. She never used the potty at all. We have a relative that really pushed potty training and the little boy didn't stop using pullup until after 3.5 either. The main difference is they had tears and drama over the issue and we had none.

[JBaxter]

I suggest COMMANDO! DS 3 took almost 6 months to get the hang of undies. He was my oldest to potty train ( he was 2 1/2)

We did naked potty training then did just loose fitting t-shirt weight shorts and sweat pants that werent to tight.

My other 2 boys potty trained similarly at about age 2.

As SOON as I put them in briefs they peed. Give commando a try. FYI taking them every hour to try to pee/poo does not damage them in any way.

I would not skip preschool my boys all loved it. The montessori preschool we attended did have a pre primary class but the kids were all 2ish it was a MAJOR big deal to move up to the primary class but you had to be potty trained. Believe it or not its actually easier in preschool due to peer pressure. Ours did bathroom time before snack and it seemed w/ mine if they saw someone else peeing they gave it a try.

Good luck.

[PluggingAway]

I'm in the "don't push" camp. One of the reasons that we picked our preschool was because they didn't require the kids to be potty trained. I took their philosophy as an indicator that they had good insight into child development, age-appropriate behaviors, and children as individuals. We followed our son's lead, and he pee trained on his own sometime between 3.5 and 4 with no power struggles, accidents, fan-fare, or tears. I'm patiently (ahem) awaiting the same thing to happen with poop (he asks for a pull up to do his thing). I'm sure a lot has to do with the child's personality. My son does things on HIS terms when HE is ready. Any gentle coaxing on our part would probably back-fire....but maybe that approach will work for our youngest son. Time will tell. Good Luck!

[tylerdylan]

Good advice here!! I also have a little boy (turning 3 in early July) who REFUSES to potty train. He cries if I put him on the potty. He begs to wear diapers instead of undies. He just seems to have NO control whatsoever of his body functions. If you ask him "do you need to pee?" he'll say no and then 2 minutes later pee in his pants. He has NEVER done anything on the potty. This morning he sat somewhat cooperatively on the potty when he first woke up in the morning (with a dry diaper) and had no luck. He eventually peed in his pants (2 hours after waking up). He has an older brother, so we thought he'd want to be like him, but no such luck.
He is starting preschool in September, but I don't think they have potty trained requirement thank goodness, but I suspect DS will still be in diapers.

I am going to try the "commando" method. Can't hurt....

[leigh09]

I heard the best advice about potty training ... If he's still in diapers when he's married, then it becomes his wife's problem.

I tell that to my mom to keep some perspective on this issue since I'm more relaxed on learning the toilet that she is. Really, does it make that much of a difference in my child's life if I'm changing them for an extra few months or an extra year? Not so much.

As for the preschool ... I like the suggestions the previous people mentioned about checking into the flexibilities of the rules or seeing if there are any nursery school programs that allow for potty learning at school.

[catters]

Thanks again for all the great advice. I think, for us, that I am going to work towards the potty. They are inflexible with their rule for the primary class (which he would be in). I have decided on this Montessori as the best program for him in our town, which is small, and the other preschool options we looked into, just didn't fit. This is not to say that DS will immediately love this program, but I think it is worth a shot and the place I am most comfortable with. I visited again with an observation time and it just feels like the right place, I was really impressed. Anyway, I think I need to give my son the benefit of the doubt to know that he is capable of doing this. I know that he does thrive when he's given the opportunity to "show us what he's got", so we'll see we can move forward in a way he's comfortable with. We are going to do a LOT more nakey time and I've heard the suggestion of commando, before, so I will try that too! Happily, this school has rolling admission, so if he's not ready in August, perhaps then September, or whatever, as long as there is room. Three spots left though...

[serenbat]

Really, does it make that much of a difference in my child's life if I'm changing them for an extra few months or an extra year?

the argument could also be made- how does this benefit the child?

more resources used in diapering, risk of infections/rash, and I have yet to see evidence/studies that show prolong use of diapers is in any way an emotional plus for the child, frankly I have see the opposite of a plus, in the children that I have see that remain in diapers

as in the case the poster, her child would miss the ability to attend the program for a year - so glad you decided to have your child attend the program
the ability to eliminate is so natural and diapers really are not

[pinksprklybarefoot]

We are in a similar boat - wanting DS to attend Montessori preschool/daycare in the fall, and wanting him to be potty-learned so he can attend the one we prefer. He is 3.

The one we toured this week told us that potty-learning was the main focus of the toddler room (16-33 mo). Everyone wears undies and they sit on the potty regularly. If they have an accident, no biggie, they change pants and move on with the day.

So after that, I bought DS a bunch of underwear, and we've been using that approach around the house. I've been working on teaching him to do most of the work involved (putting on the undies, taking them off, putting them in the diaper pail when wet, wiping up accidents, etc). It has been less than two days, and he already seems to have a much greater awareness about the whole process. We'll see how it goes.

[Purple*Lotus]

Some schools will be fine to see what happens and others will call you every time he has an accident- you might want to check their policy first. You don't want to send him if they are going to make a big deal out of an accident

[praisehimau]

Our preschool will not clean accidents, they will call the parents. Just take him regularry to the toilet (about every 30 min to an hour) he should get it after a few weeks...
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