DD1 was "high needs", or so I thought. Then dd2 came along and dear gods. I describe dd1 as a furnace. Powerful, difficult to handle, but fundamentally social and part of a home. DD2 I describe as a forest fire. Powerful, dangerous, unpredictable, encompasing, uncontrollable. I love her, but calling it Stockholm Syndrome is only a little bit of a stretch. Thank above and below that ds is a campfire with smores and sing alongs... just a smiling meatball of a baby.
DD2 was eventually diagnosed with SPD and Reynaud's syndrome, so at least we have that.
showers- I had dh hold dd2 for my daily shower. Like you if I don't get that shower things get grim. She'd scream while dh held her, but she was held. If dh wasn't there I tried a few things...
--one of those inclined bouncy/vibrating chairs in the bathroom. I used it when I needed to use the toilet and she wasn't in the ergo. When she was super tiny I'd swaddle her and pop her in that.
--setting her in a baby bath in the shower with me. Not ideal since I'd spend most of my shower taking care of her. But better than no shower.
--a really tight swaddle (use the miracle blanket type thing if you can't get a regular blanket tight enough), then put her down in the cosleeper, the bouncy, or on the bathroom floor (on a blanket).
Books that sometimes, kind of, almost helped... the Dr Sears High Need Baby book, Raising a Sensory Smart Child, No Cry Sleep Solution (because it gave me lots of different things to try so I always had hope that maybe the next thing would work
), and the Itsy Bitsy Yoga book because dd2 liked yoga (she still does, it's part of her therapy) and I could get dd1 involved too and sometimes dd2 would fall asleep after 20-30 minutes of yoga and I'd be able to breath.
And the ergo. I actually wore out an ergo with dd2. She was worn nearly every minute we weren't all together in bed... when I checked the ergo during my third pregnancy it was more or less worn through in places. I had to get another one!
Hang in there! Do whatever you have to do to nurture yourself and recover your strength. I had a 4th degree tear birthing dd2 and couldn't move easily, plus the 2yo dd1. So I kind of bribed myself to get back my balance while also getting a handle on the insanity that was dd2. One thing I did was scatter treats around the house, and I had a basket of special foods/books next to the bed and couch. I tried to reframe the "every btwo hours, 34/7 nursing sessions" and endless holding as a chance for a goody for me. It helped a bit.
Big hugs and hopes for soothing showers and sleep!