is ignoring toddler meltdowns the way to go? looong

[ellairiesmom]

nak
i think i'll post this in general parenting too...

first-i guess i should start off with the fact that i am one of the last in my closest circle to have kids. lately, and i might just be sensitive to it & need to get over it, it feels like my best friend gives me "advice" that isn't always solicited. it happened here & there when dd1 was younger, but now that she is a toddler, it just seems more frequent??? and on more sensitive topics. when she was a baby, it was about my latch, or a diaper rash...stuff like that. but now-the real deal stuff is starting & i wasn't prepared for the feedback from others & how it would make me feel.

the big thing is that when dd1 is having a meltdown/tantrum, my bf stops me from trying to talk to her or reason with her & says i need to walk away/ignore. i feel awful doing that because i feel like dd1 needs me AND i do not like a scene. dd1 is 2.5 & is showing typical 2.5/3 yo colors PLUS is dealing with a new sister AND dh starting a new job requiring him to be away 3 days/week after being home with us 24/7 for a year.

my bf has 3 kids but i feel like her dh is more in charge of disc & that she has always struck me as getting stressed out having to deal with the "issues". i guess while i think she is a great mom, i feel like i am more hands on & waaaay more patient/emotionally involved.

but am i supposed to ignore? is trying to "talk" or "reason" with a toddler in the throws of a tantrum the true definition of insanity? i am ok with bf being "right"-it's not about that at all for me. It's just about what is the kindest way to help my toddler through things while also keeping myself sane.

this part is probably for a different thread but it might be why i am feeling sensitive about her advice lately...i feel like she hasn't been as tolerant of my toddler as i have been over the years with hers. her 10 yo dd is so special to me & she was a single mom during her toddler stages. granted, i was far from understanding being a parent back then-but i was so patient & kind with her. same thing with her 5 yo ds. her youngest ds is 18 mos & is a terror right now & i feel like again-i have so much patience. but the other day, my dd1 had found this amazing stick (she loves sticks & rocks) and was trying sooo hard to get anyone to notice it & acknowledge it. it was a crew of 10 kids-ranging in age from 2.5 to 10 & no one was paying any attention to my dd1. (i was nursing dd2 on the porch) anyway-my bf was blowing up balloons for some of the younger ones & when dd1 tried to show her the stick she kind of snapped at her a little & said not to put the stick by the balloons cuz they will pop. i could tell from where i was sitting that dd1 wasn't trying to pop the balloons-she just soooo wanted to show off her stick. i was so sad at my bfs reaction to my dd. and then later when my bf was pushing some of the kids on a play car, she kind of "nudged" my dd out her way & i caught it & it felt like it was in an "impatient" or "unkind" manner.

my bf has her hands full with her 18 mo-he is a brute of a little boy! he had just broken a bunch of her sister's porch decorations too & i guess my bff might have just been a little stressed out & waiting for her dh to get there & give her some relief...she always seems to rely on her dd or dh to take over because she has no patience-but i admit-her ds2 is a handful.

so-i guess i wonder about handling the tantrums...but also, how do i start to prepare myself for the fact that my friends might not all think dd1 is as wonderful as i do now that she is a toddler & not a baby anymore???

[Just1More]

Sorry about that.

I think it depends on the scenerio and the child, personally. A "read this book and get great kids" method does not exist. Sometimes I comfort and explain things to my kids, sometimes I tell them to stop it and c'mon. It really, really depends.

The older my kids get, and the more I see in them what I was hoping to develop, the more confident I get in my parenting style. It's okay to be unsure...I still am about a lot of things (my oldest is just 5!), but just do what you do with a purpose, and be open to evaluating it regularly.

What someone else does with their child may be the thing that works for them. But your child is not their child, and it may not work with yours. Sometimes, I think people forget that children are people, too. It's not a matter of adding the right ingredients and baking for the right length of time. Raising children is so much more complex that that!

So, I say, try not to bury your head in the sand and make excuses for your dd (I'm not saying you are), but stay your course until you know it needs to change. You know your children better than anyone else!

[mamazee]

I agree that it depends on the specifics. Generally, I don't ignore it, but I also don't punish for it or let myself get dragged into the emotions of it. I acknowledge it and give it a name ("You sound very frustrated/angry/whatever'), empathize with it ("I wish we had more time too"), and let my child know I'm there when she needs me. And then I stay and wait for the storm to pass, as my dds have needed the most love right after a tantrum.

[nextcommercial]

I think it depends on the child. Some kids need a meltdown. Just sit there and read a magazine, or whatever and wait til it's over. She might really not want to have a "discussion" right then. There's no point in trying to cajole her out of her fit, because it's just going to make her more angry.

When I am really angry.. the last thing I want is someone following me around trying to make me talk.

But, some kids want/need you to help them work through it. Talking is fine. They want you to help them feel better.

I think it's just a matter of respecting your child's needs.

[PluggingAway]

awww, hugs to you! I would be hurt also if my bff was a little "short" with one of my kiddos. I think you're right though, she sounds a bit overwhelmed.

In regards to tantrums, my response depends on the personality of each of my kids (18 months and 4 years old) and the reason for the tantrums. I say follow your gut. If you feel that your daughter needs comfort, compassion, and empathy, then by all means give it her. That's what I would do for any my loved ones, regardless of age, if that's what they needed. With DS1 nursing was a lifesaver during those 2 y/o tantrums. Now, with DS#2, he finds our attempts to comfort or empathize almost patronizing or condescending...he gets really mad when we try to "help". So we stay close by but not too close and we don't shame or love withdrawl and he gets over it pretty quickly and moves on like nothing ever happened. I guess he just needs to vent. Now that DS#1 is older, his "tantrums" vary and sometimes they require some empathy and compassion and sometimes they require us to validate his frustration/anger/hurt feelings while holding on firm to our boundaries.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by ellairiesmom

nak

the big thing is that when dd1 is having a meltdown/tantrum, my bf stops me from trying to talk to her or reason with her & says i need to walk away/ignore. i feel awful doing that because i feel like dd1 needs me AND i do not like a scene.


but am i supposed to ignore? is trying to "talk" or "reason" with a toddler in the throws of a tantrum the true definition of insanity? i am ok with bf being "right"-it's not about that at all for me. It's just about what is the kindest way to help my toddler through things while also keeping myself sane.


so-i guess i wonder about handling the tantrums...but also, how do i start to prepare myself for the fact that my friends might not all think dd1 is as wonderful as i do now that she is a toddler & not a baby anymore???

Tantrums are the normal way toddlers and preschoolers learn to deal with overwhelming emotions. You are right, your DD does need you to help her calm down. Don't let people interfere with your interactions with your own child. Some kids do well with a gentle touch and calm sympathetic words. Labeling their emotion is very helpful because once they can label their own emotions it will help them deal with emotions better. For example you can say "wow you are angry, I'm sorry you are sad, xyz is just too dangerous(or whatever)" and rub her back or ask if she needs a cuddle. Walking away and ignoring the child can feel like rejection and send the messages "mommy only likes me when I'm happy" and "mommy can't handle my scary emotions either". 2.5 was the worst age for my DD and tantrums. A month after she turned 3 she started saying "I'm angry" and most of the meltdowns went away.

For your own sanity remind yourself "this IS a phase and will go away" also she's learning to deal with big emotions and it's helping her to be able to become an emotionally mature adult someday. Tantrums are much worse when teens and adults have them because they never learned to deal with their emotions. I've read that 's one of the risks of punishing a toddler for tantrums and not allowing them to express their fear and panic when their are feeling overwhelmed. They never learn to deal with overwhelming emotions and don't really mature emotionally.

Don't ever worry about how other people view your children when you are deciding how to discipline. Your DD is the important one not bystanders. If you continue being nurturing your DD will be fine. Most normal annoying behavior in toddlers and preschoolers are developmental phases and go away. Your relationship with your DD is permanent.

[henny penny]

http://www.mothering.com/parenting/c...roach-tantrums

I have found this to be very helpful with my 2.5 yo ds. My friend calls it "ministry of presence"; being quietly, physically available but not trying to "solve" the problem.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by ellairiesmom

is trying to "talk" or "reason" with a toddler in the throws of a tantrum the true definition of insanity?

In my book, yes, it is insanity to try to reason with a toddler in the throes of a tantrum. A tantrum occurs when the child is so overwhelmed they can't control themselves. It is not a teachable moment.

However, not trying to reason with a tantruming child doesn't mean that you have to ignore them. "The ministry of presence" is a really good way to think about this. You can be there for them when they need you.

But here's where AP comes in: You have to watch your child's cues as to what they need. Does your child need to be held? Left alone? Leaving a child alone is not the same as ignoring them.

My two kids were polar opposites for what they needed in a tantrum. Ds could not stand to be talked to, touched, or sometimes even acknowledged. Even validating his feelings ("you must be really mad") was too much. He needed space and quiet. When he was done with his tantrum, then he would want to come for a quick hug. (He's not a very snuggly kid.) After that, we could label the emotions.

Dd, on the other hand, needed to rage in my arms. She needed me to label and validate the emotions for her. That helped (well helps, as she still tantrums) her work through the emotions. With her, I'd hold her. She'd calm down a bit, and I'd label the emotion. Then she'd sob some more. She'd explain how sad/disappointed/frustrated she was and sob some more. Then, often very quickly, she'd be done. But if I didn't talk through her emotions with her, and then let her sob some more, it took much longer to work through.

Note that with neither child did it work to try to talk about the problem during the tantrum. That did lead me to the brink of insanity.

My aha moment came when I realize that my job isn't to fix it. My job isn't to make them 'see reason'. My job is to teach my child that it's OK to have powerful emotions and that I'll be here when they need me.

To this day, my kids show these same patterns when they're upset. Ds stomps up to his room, hangs out by himself and then comes back. Dd sobs in my arms, talks at length about the injustice of the world, and then is ready to move on.

[starlein26]

Originally Posted by Just1More

I think it depends on the scenerio and the child, personally. A "read this book and get great kids" method does not exist. Sometimes I comfort and explain things to my kids, sometimes I tell them to stop it and c'mon. It really, really depends.

The older my kids get, and the more I see in them what I was hoping to develop, the more confident I get in my parenting style. It's okay to be unsure...I still am about a lot of things (my oldest is just 5!), but just do what you do with a purpose, and be open to evaluating it regularly.

Raising children is so much more complex that that!

I really agree with you! I'm so tired of books that claim certain results...raising children really is much more complex. Every parent is different, the way a parent interacts with each given child in their family is different, the way each child in a family interacts with other children varies...and on and on.

Oh...and the way I respond to tantrums depends on what I feel my child needs at that moment...if the screaming increases when I try to talk...I back down...if they are whining/tired I usually ignore it...if they seem sad or in need of reassurance I offer a hug.

[starlein26]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

My aha moment came when I realize that my job isn't to fix it. My job isn't to make them 'see reason'. My job is to teach my child that it's OK to have powerful emotions and that I'll be here when they need me.

[ellairiesmom]

thanks to all!!!!!!!

i am reading everyone's replies more than once to try & take it all in & share some stuff with DH too. i will come back & reply to some specific comments over the next couple days.

i definitely need to figure out what works for us right now & what her personality needs from us...