ignoring tantrums & how to handle other parents' feedback?

[ellairiesmom]

nak
i think i'll post this in general parenting too...

first-i guess i should start off with the fact that i am one of the last in my closest circle to have kids. lately, and i might just be sensitive to it & need to get over it, it feels like my best friend gives me "advice" that isn't always solicited. it happened here & there when dd1 was younger, but now that she is a toddler, it just seems more frequent??? and on more sensitive topics. when she was a baby, it was about my latch, or a diaper rash...stuff like that. but now-the real deal stuff is starting & i wasn't prepared for the feedback from others & how it would make me feel.

the big thing is that when dd1 is having a meltdown/tantrum, my bf stops me from trying to talk to her or reason with her & says i need to walk away/ignore. i feel awful doing that because i feel like dd1 needs me AND i do not like a scene. dd1 is 2.5 & is showing typical 2.5/3 yo colors PLUS is dealing with a new sister AND dh starting a new job requiring him to be away 3 days/week after being home with us 24/7 for a year.

my bf has 3 kids but i feel like her dh is more in charge of disc & that she has always struck me as getting stressed out having to deal with the "issues". i guess while i think she is a great mom, i feel like i am more hands on & waaaay more patient/emotionally involved.

but am i supposed to ignore? is trying to "talk" or "reason" with a toddler in the throws of a tantrum the true definition of insanity? i am ok with bf being "right"-it's not about that at all for me. It's just about what is the kindest way to help my toddler through things while also keeping myself sane.

this part is probably for a different thread but it might be why i am feeling sensitive about her advice lately...i feel like she hasn't been as tolerant of my toddler as i have been over the years with hers. her 10 yo dd is so special to me & she was a single mom during her toddler stages. granted, i was far from understanding being a parent back then-but i was so patient & kind with her. same thing with her 5 yo ds. her youngest ds is 18 mos & is a terror right now & i feel like again-i have so much patience. but the other day, my dd1 had found this amazing stick (she loves sticks & rocks) and was trying sooo hard to get anyone to notice it & acknowledge it. it was a crew of 10 kids-ranging in age from 2.5 to 10 & no one was paying any attention to my dd1. (i was nursing dd2 on the porch) anyway-my bf was blowing up balloons for some of the younger ones & when dd1 tried to show her the stick she kind of snapped at her a little & said not to put the stick by the balloons cuz they will pop. i could tell from where i was sitting that dd1 wasn't trying to pop the balloons-she just soooo wanted to show off her stick. i was so sad at my bfs reaction to my dd. and then later when my bf was pushing some of the kids on a play car, she kind of "nudged" my dd out her way & i caught it & it felt like it was in an "impatient" or "unkind" manner.

my bf has her hands full with her 18 mo-he is a brute of a little boy! he had just broken a bunch of her sister's porch decorations too & i guess my bff might have just been a little stressed out & waiting for her dh to get there & give her some relief...she always seems to rely on her dd or dh to take over because she has no patience-but i admit-her ds2 is a handful.

so-i guess i wonder about handling the tantrums...but also, how do i start to prepare myself for the fact that my friends might not all think dd1 is as wonderful as i do now that she is a toddler & not a baby anymore???

[lilyka]

Lets say you are pi$$ed off and hysterical, really would you want someone standing there all calm and trying to reason you out of your feelings? Now imagine you were in a foriegn country and just barely knew the language anyway. What would the point of someone talking to you anyway. When I am having a hissy fit I just need to get it out of my system. I have never really tried to reason with unreasonable people. I just let them scream and holler. (be it a cranky customer or a two year old...or 14 year old or my xh...) I usually just let my kids scream and then when they are done if they feel like it we can talk about it. I mean really....if my dd is screaming because she wanted candy at the check out, there is nothing I can say to her that will make her feel better and trying to manipulate her feelings, bribe her, or dismiss her feelings is disrespectful. I also will not give in just because she is having a hissy fit. I said no and my no always means no. (I do not say it unless I am pretty sure i mean no. if they calmly give me a really good reason I may reconsider but whining, crying, screaming hoilding breath terroist threats, none of that is ever ever going to change my mind.) And if people give me the stink eye, I just politely apologize for the disturbance and explain that we are learning an important lesson right now and thank them for their understanding. honestly no one has ever given me anything but positive feed back when my kids were having tantrums. Either becasuse they have been there or because I am not giving in.

So yeah, I think your friends advice is sound. I ignore with toddlers and discipline with older children (stop now.)

And the fact that not everyone is amused and enchanted by your dd...thats just something you have to accept. Take it one behavior at a time. is this something I would tolerate from someone elses kid? Am I willing to correct this in my child to keep my friendship? Why is this so annoying to my friend? etc.

Advice from friends. If it is advice you liked. say "thank you. thats really helpful" and you need to accept that sometimes your friends who have done this before really do have some good ideas that come with experiance and that all the chat rooms and books in the world are not as valuble as the people who know you and know your dd and can say hey "this might work better for you guys". If it is advice you truely cannot use or do not like or is innapropriate just say "thank you. This is what is best for our family."

[pauletoy]

I kind of agree with your friend about ignoring tantrums. I don't know about your child but with all 4 of mine, there is no reasoning with them when they are in the mist of a trantrum. The more I try to reason, the longer the tantrum lasts.

If you aren't comfortable ignoring the behavior, then of course you need to do it your own way. But if your way isn't working, then it may be time for a change.

Sorry but no one is going to think your child is as wonderful as you do. It's really nothing personal against you or your child but you see your child through "mommy rose colored glasses". It's just the way things are.

It's awesome that you have been so "tolerant" of her child's behavior over the years, but she is a different person. She has her own level of tolerance. This is a personality difference not a personal attack.

If you don't like her offering advice, then speak up. If you don't like the way she interacts with your dd then don't give them opportunity to interact without you around.

[ellairiesmom]

ok-cool-i get it DD1 isn't going to be as cute to anyone else but DH & I. LOL.

I know I see her through my mama rose colored glasses. And I need to accept that you are right...there is a big personality difference between me & BF...I see her kids through those rose colored glasses too.

On the ignoring tantrums-i see what you are saying about trying to reason with someone who doesn't understand my language etc. I am going to try & do the ignoring & see if that works better for us.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by ellairiesmom

ok-cool-i get it DD1 isn't going to be as cute to anyone else but DH & I. LOL.

I know I see her through my mama rose colored glasses. And I need to accept that you are right...there is a big personality difference between me & BF...I see her kids through those rose colored glasses too.

On the ignoring tantrums-i see what you are saying about trying to reason with someone who doesn't understand my language etc. I am going to try & do the ignoring & see if that works better for us.

Your friend is very lucky to have a friend like you who loves her children the way you do.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

There are lots of ways to deal with tantrums -- the trick is to find the one that works for your child at this time in their lives. I handled my kids really differently when they were 2 as I do now that they are 7 & 10, YK? And one was different from the other. So you can always say to your friend -- "This seems to be what works for us" without implying any judgement. Of course, that assumes you are comfortable with what you are doing. With 2 YOs, I mostly tried to walk a line -- I didn't try to reason or talk to them mid-fit, but I also didn't turn my back and stonily ignore them either. Sort of "Hey, I know you are upset and I'll talk to you when you are ready and I'm right here until then" sort of approach.

We all have different personalities. I am not the world's most patient person and I sometimes snap at both big and little people. Bad me, but also true me. And it can be overwhelming to respond to the needs of many children rather than just 1. I am MUCH better with my children than I am with a whole group! So if you want to remain friends, you probably need to shrug and mentally say "everyone is different. This is who she is."

In terms of advise, my general line is "thank for the idea, I'll have to think about that" and let it go. If it sounded good, then I would in fact think about it. If it didn't resonate with me I would promptly forget it. Everyone thinks they are an expert but no one really is. Take what makes sense to you, forget the rest, say thanks for it all and realize that people are trying to help, even when their advise annoys the**** out of you.

[CarrieMF]

Lets say you are pi$$ed off and hysterical, really would you want someone standing there all calm and trying to reason you out of your feelings? Now imagine you were in a foriegn country and just barely knew the language anyway. What would the point of someone talking to you anyway.

This is probably the best explanation I've seen of this.

It is completely & utterly pointless to try & talk to and reason during a tantrum. They are not listening to a sound you are making & it OFTEN makes them tantrum even harder.

[VisionaryMom]

Ignoring tantrums isn't always the best idea. By 2.5, both of my children were verbal. They spoke & understood complex sentences, and I could try to talk them through a problem before it hit. In cases when that didn't happen (with DS, DD has never had a full-blown tantrum), I would hold them or try to calm them. I never just walked away, but I didn't try to beat them (metaphorically) over the head with logic. They just don't want to hear it at that moment.

[JMJ]

I ignore toddler tantrums when I don't know anything better to do, but I think it's better to validate feelings and stay and be supportive, even if just by sitting there silently. That said, I do have a toddler, and if she's throwing a fit for the 20th time today because I wouldn't let her stand in the fridge with the door open, and I didn't get much sleep last night, and DH is gone on a business trip, and I haven't seen him in 3 days, and our play date today got cancelled, so I'm home alone all day with this irrational toddler... (you get the picture), I can't sit there and calmly say, "You were enjoying playing in the fridge, weren't you? You really didn't want me to close it. I can see that you're really upset. It's OK to cry when you're upset. I love you." All I want to say is, "You can't play in the fridge. Get out of my way. You're always in my way. I can't get anything done with you around. Why can't you go play with toys like normal kids? I can't handle another tantrum today!" If I get to the point that if I open my mouth, that's what's going to come out of it, I walk away and take a few deep breaths.

As a mom, you have the right to come up with your own discipline philosophy, and your friend needs to respect that. I would definitely ask her to bring up her concerns with you when you're not in the process of disciplining your son because that undermines your authority. Your discipline will likely look a little different than hers, but you can talk about it without losing your friendship if both of you are open minded. I have found a few families that it's harder to hang out with because our ideas on discipline are SO different, and as DD gets older, I don't want her exposed to that kind of violence.

[scottishmommy]

I ignore tantrums. I think of them as a release of energy, sort of like uncorking a champagne bottle. It is embarrassing, but who cares? I'm all about being embarrassed!
I am an advice giver, and sometimes I have to self edit because I can get bossy. I only give advice to help. If I've been through something that I have a solution to I'll give my $.02. BUT I wouldn't do what your friend is doing. If my friend's kid was having a tantrum or a crying fit I would keep my mouth shut. Your friend is being insensitive by interfering when you and you child are in a highly emotional state. That's like yelling at someone who is trying to avoid a car accident. You just don't do that. I would be seriously annoyed as well.

[BarnMomma]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

Ignoring tantrums isn't always the best idea. By 2.5, both of my children were verbal. They spoke & understood complex sentences, and I could try to talk them through a problem before it hit. In cases when that didn't happen (with DS, DD has never had a full-blown tantrum), I would hold them or try to calm them. I never just walked away, but I didn't try to beat them (metaphorically) over the head with logic. They just don't want to hear it at that moment.

I'm kind of with you on this. DS has alwasy understood more than he was capable of expressing up until age 2 and now he's very verbal and logical and responds well to conversation and explaination. I think ignoring tantrums doesn't help anyone, so we do tend to say things like, "I can't really listen to you the way I'd like to when you're shouting at me. When you can talk calmly, mommy can try to work it out with you." However, if this tantrum is thrown in public, I will very quickly remove my son to a quiet place(like out to the car or to a bathroom) so that we don't disturb everyone else. Just because I'm trying to work things out with my child doesn't give me a right to force strangers to endure a screaming fit.

I think you need to go with your momma instinct and handle your child's tantrums the way you feel is best for her.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ellairiesmom

it feels like my best friend gives me "advice" that isn't always solicited. ... i wasn't prepared for the feedback from others & how it would make me feel.

you might need to just talk to your friend about this. Different things work better for different moms, and that's OK. I didn't handle tantrums the same with both my kids because different things worked better for each of them.

I feel like your post was more about friendship issues than parenting issues. Parenting differences can be hard on friendships and figuring out a way to keep friendship strong, even when we do things differently can be tricky.

Finding a way to let your friend know that you love her, you love her kids, you think she's a great mom, but it just doesn't feel right to you to ignore your DD while she is tantruming right now might help.

is trying to "talk" or "reason" with a toddler in the throws of a tantrum the true definition of insanity? i am ok with bf being "right"-it's not about that at all for me. It's just about what is the kindest way to help my toddler through things while also keeping myself sane.

what worked for one of my DDs was space for the tantrum to run it's course, and then a cool wash cloth and a hug to transition back. Talking to her did NO good. My other child really only tantrummed when tired or after she got old enough to see if it would work to manipulate situations, so either a quiet space to sleep OR just being removed from the situation worked well for her.

Something totally different might help your DD. It's sounds like she has a lot to deal with right now.

...i feel like she hasn't been as tolerant of my toddler as i have been over the years with hers. her 10 yo dd is so special to me & she was a single mom during her toddler stages.

I totally get this and went through it with my sister and her kids. The reality was that by the time I had kids, my sister was so busy and emotionally exhausted from her own children, she didn't have much left for me and my kids. It's sad, but finding a way to accept it and just move will help.

Your DD is special and wonderful. Your friend is just overwhelmed.

[One_Girl]

I think you should do what feels right. If you are trying to reason with your child or hold her and she really doesn't want to do that then I think you should follow your friends advice though. Trying to talk, reason, or touch is not something that helps every toddler. Some kids get even more worked up and angry by the invasion of more words or touching. She may have seen you doing something that was really making things worse and since you are so close she brought it up.

[lilyka]

There are other options between completely coldly ignoring and trying to reason them out of it. How I approach a tantrum depends on why they are having a tantrum. There are sad tantrums and mad tantrums and manipulative tantrums.....

[Joyster]

some kids do well with reasoning, some don't, some sometimes depending on how they're doing. My 2.5 year old is just starting to get reasoning when he's having a meltdown. We were at the hospital today, he was sick, tired, hungry and having no reasoning. So I had to ignore the tantrum he was having. He eventually calmed down, accepted the juice I was offering and fell asleep while drinking it.

When they reach that point, I just try to be there for them, calmly reassuring them. Even if I'm not talking, I might try and stroke their back or hair, I keep options limited because it often frustrates them, and I might hum a song or try to distract quietly, but sometimes not feeding the fire is the best option.

[odenata]

When my older DD was that age, I wouldn't try to reason, but I would try to be supportive when I could. (Sometimes, as a PP mentioned, I needed to clam down myself first.)

I remember one huge tantrum she had when we were visiting ILs and her cousin wouldn't share with her. She was in a strange place, angry, sad, and felt powerless. I took her upstairs and stayed with her until she calmed down, which took a while. I didn't talk to her, but I could tell she wanted me with her. After it was over, it was like a storm had passed and she was calm and happy, and I really think that silent support helped.

Other times, when we were at our home and she was mad about something, I would simply tell her that she could be angry in her room, but I wasn't going to be around her while she was having a tantrum.

I think a mama can generally tell which approach is needed, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing, and you don't have to always respond one way.

The only thing I am always consistent about is not giving in to tantrums. No tantrum will change when we leave the playground, if she can have a lollipop, etc.

[mamadelbosque]

Another vote for ignoring tantrums. DS1 is 3 and in the whine/cry/tantrum over every. little. thing. I hate it. I admit I get way more fustrated and yell way more now than I ever have before, or thought I ever would - but the kid just whines, cries, and throws tantrums over *EVERYTHING*. Its horrible, but I just ignore it and eventually he gets over it... if he chases me around screaming about whatever, I will eventually yell at him to either a: stop or b: goto bed. Probably not the greatest parenting, but whatever. At some point I just stop caring...

[lilyka]

Honestly, if you know that a tantrum is going to push you over the edge why not stop it right away. You are comfortable with stop? and if he doesn't stop sending him to his room? then why not do that at the first moment of a tantrum (if you are in public you can go to the car. you can sit outside the car and read a book for a while or something.) I had a child like this and this was basically my approach. The very second she was going to throw a tantrum over something I would tell her firmly to stop. it was not going to help. if she chose to act out she could go to her room for 10 minutes. the 10 minutes started once the tantrum stopped. It took about a month but eventually the frequency of the tantrums subsided. She still throws a killer tantrum but not evry second of the day and ones that went on FOREVER. I had to be really really consistant though. What helped me not to lose it and yell though was to have a plan. This is how I will respond. and to resond like that every time from the very first hint of a whine.

[Subhuti]

If my BF intervened as I was in the midst of handling my kid's tantrum, I would not be happy. I would turn to them, and say "Thanks, I'll handle it."

I think each situation with each child is unique.

I have no set way to handle a tantrum. Sometimes I cuddle. Sometimes I ignore. Sometimes I help talk it out. Sometimes I put a firm kabosh. Sometimes I tell a child to go to her room if she wants to yell. Sometimes I try to address the cause of the tantrum.

I would think it was both presumptious and ridiculous for someone to try to impose a monolithic rule onto my interaction w/my child.

I don't mind if a good friend makes a suggestion, gently, after the fact. Like, "Have you ever tried ..." or "My little one used to do that, what worked for us was ..." That's great, helpful information that adds to my parenting bag of tricks.

[JL83]

I try to reason with kids that age. It's quite quickly apparent whether or not that's working. If it's not working, then I give her space. But I'm still there if/when she decides she wants me.

I think that it's pretty pointless to try and try and try to reason with a little kid. It's like there's a point where if they loose it, they just have to get it out.