postpartum tmi question or maybe just commiseration

[waiting2bemommy]

Can someone please tell me that I'm not being a b***h because I don't want to have sex every.freaking.day? I'm only 4 weeks postpartum. Or is it just me? I didn't have any tears or hemorrhoids and honestly I felt great almost immmediately after birth. But for some reason it is still uncomfortable to DTD. Plus I don't really have much sex drive which doesn't help. But it feels to me like everything got moved around inside, so anything but *extreme* gentleness hurts. I think my SO thinks I'm faking it or being dramatic or something. nevertheless we were both in the mood at 2 weeks pp so we did it then and then a couple more times since then. So I guess he thought we were back in the swing of things. Yesterday morning we DTD and he was all hurt and pissed because I wouldn't again last night. Then in the middle of the night he tried again (like I wouldn't notice or something?? lol ) and I was like "um, there's a baby attached to my boob right now, sorry." He got all huffy and got up and went to work at 6 this morning without waking me up or so much as a "goodbye" (normally we get up together, or rather *I* always get up with whoever is up first)

Is anyone else getting pressure now that you are un-pregnant & look like you're perfectly fine? Or maybe everyone else is already back at it and it's just me holding out?

[ASusan]

DH and I didn't have sex for over 2 years. We tried at 6 mos, and it was too painful.

We're probably on the outer edge of the bell curve and not 'normal' in that respect, but just wanted to let you know there is variation out there.

I'd rather not post details, but DH was not left to fend for himself.

[Knitting Mama]

I had my 6 week pp check on Tuesday, and we still haven't. I'm SO not interested,and sleep for me is still scarce, so I think my husband knows better than to wake me up!

[Tummy]

There *is* a reason for women being informed to wait 6 weeks for intercourse. IMO, it is mostly so that your physician can do your 6wk check up, ensure that all is where it needs to be and check your over all health after birth.

My MW always told me to wait until my bleeding was minimal and I felt comfortable, not the full 6 weeks.

However, our bodies go through serious physical altercations during pregnancy and esp birth. Your body needs time to heal from birth, hence the reason it is telling you no sex unless it is *very gentile*.

I hope you can talk with your SO and come to an understanding that your body needs a little more time to heal. Also, sounds to me, IMO, that *you* still have a bit of healing to do.

I am sure you will have many more wise replies. {{hug}}

[briome]

um, tell him to get over it and give you a little space already.

I'm waiting untill I can like it a little even. My body is still adjusting!

[krismarie]

i honestly haven't had a normal sex drive since i've had kids! ... and the first year after birth is always the worst for me! dh can be pretty annoying about the pestering, but man, your DP is actually getting some!!--you should tell him how much worse other papas have it!!

i don't plan on doing it until i actually feel slightly interested (who knows how long that will be!)

[ivymae]

Wow, uh, yeah I would be angry at being treated that way. I'm 8weeks pp, and we've had sex, once, just last week. It was okay, but felt weird and brought back on some bleeding so we're holding off a bit longer. And you know what? My husband is ooookay with that. Sure, it sucks for him, but I'm his wife and mother of his children, he doesn't want to cause me pain. With my other girls, we waited almost 12 weeks PP, and it took until i was 6 months pp before I started to actually enjoy sex again, and 12 months out my sex drive finally came back. When things normalize we generally have sex 2-3 times a week (and that's with being creative since the kids are pretty nosey ) so expecting it twice in one day when you have a newborn? Pretty unrealistic. Sorry dude, man up and get over yourself. Other people's needs trump yours right now.

[jabeen]

We still haven't and I'm 3 months postpartum! My 6 wk checkup was so painful (and vaginal exams have never been painful for me--MW said could be due to decreased estrogen with BF), I've been too scared since then. Also a co-sleeping, co-napping baby is not very conducive to an active sex life! So I agree, your SO should feel pretty lucky...

[Carita]

after ds, i think dh had to wait almost a year, plus almost another year b/c i couldn't during pregnancy either.

i think i got estrogem cream at my 1 yr PP annual that helped w/drive and w/lubrication.

offer him a hand job and don't feel bad about it.

[rhiOrion]

oh hell no.

i'm 6 weeks pp today. my tear is still healing, though. we had to go the silver nitrate route today. the NP told me to wait at least another two weeks. dh was bummed about it, sure. he is bugging me about it sometimes and is impatient- but he'll deal. i've helped him in other ways, but even that is scarce since we have a pretty needy baby.

if i had your dh i would have shut down by now

[Peace+Hope]

i don't know what "normal" was for you before your little one and pregnancy, but any time a partner expects something unrealistic/isn't checking in with the other about comfort level, energy level, sex drive, that is a BIG NO-NO in my book.

i hope you guys can talk and his expectations become more in line with how a sensitive loving partner's should be.

[leavemealone]

I am only about 3.5 weeks out from having my baby and while I physically feel like I could, my need for sleep wins out right now. When I think "sleep or sex", sleep is more important. However, I don't know that I've had sex twice in one day even when not newly postpartum. I doubt my DH would even think that would happen. That said, there are other things that have been done to satisfy DHs 'needs'. If you do want to have actual sex, extra lubricant helps a lot. There's one by KY that works well (not the jelly stuff - it's a liquid and is in a bottle).

[krismarie]

it's good to hear all the other mamas who feel the same way-- i tell dh this and he never believes me!

[sew_crafty_girl]

Oh H*ll no. I'm still bleeding and feel numb and I'm 5 1/2 weeks. DH hasn't mentioned it at all and he knows he needs to book in for his V first. No intimacy here at all yet.

[dogretro]

Did something for him once & that was it so far. 4 weeks out tomorrow. Mentally, I have been v mildly interested, but physically, not all of my internal stitches have come out yet. I will be waiting til at least after my 6 week check up to ensure that all stitches are out & that the superficial tears healed. I'm really in no hurry as I am totally in baby-love land & am just relishing that now. Am def looking forward to non-pg sex, tho! W/ dd1, I could not wait to dtd & it was a long hard wait until the bleeding stopped!

[jolesh]

a PP probably already wrote this but i had to just skim responses.. diaper changing frequency being what it is.. hehe

anyway with DD we didn't DTD for AGES because it was painful and uncomfortable and i JUST DIDN'T want to. and i have read that when you are breastfeeding there is less lubrication produced down there so it doesn't feel so great when you give it a go.

and that the hormones can decrease the drive.

you are not being a b***h and you are not faking. tell him to suck it up.

[snoopy5386]

Is your SO nuts?
We haven't done it since I was maybe 5 months along? The big belly freaks DH so we don't DTD during the last 1/2 of pregnancy. With DD we waited about 10 weeks after birth and it was surprisingly fine. I'll be 6 weeks on Sunday (going to midwives on Monday) and I know I'm not 100% healed yet. Going to the bathroom or even sitting sometimes is uncomfortable. We were talking about birth control tonight and told him I wanted to do the mini-pill for a few months before getting an IUD again (I'm having prolapse issues and want to do Maya Abdominal Massage and you can't do that with an IUD). Told him you have to take it the same time everyday or else it won't work and he says we're never doing it again because he doesn't trust the pill and doesn't want a 3rd kid.
Now I'm not sure what to do. Not that we'd ever have time to do anything anyways since DD won't be put down alone for more than 5 minutes.
And no, I haven't "helped him out" at all either, I assume he has been helping himself.
Tell your SO to back off, way off.

[jsh7809]

I am 4.5 weeks out and just starting to think about it... very, very vaguely. I'm pretty much healed but also have a yeast infection so there's that to finish up first. But I also just feel chubby (I have an extra 30 pounds on me still), overwhelmed, exhausted, breastmilk leaky, and not very interested.
I'm interested in the intimacy, connection, and, yes, release, but trying to work up the energy to feel sexual just doesn't feel in the cards right now. I'm also scared of penetration bringing back some scary aspects of my birth trauma (or just hurting!) so we'll probably take it really slow.
Not to be totally TMI but I tried doing some stuff by myself recently to see how that would go... and it was okay, but a little weird. And I definitely had some intense milk letdown with orgasm, so we're going to have to keep the bra on and it does feel a little odd.
I have some friends who've had kids in the last year and it seems like the majority have confessed that they did have sex a few times but really, really don't feel comfortable or interested, still. So that gives me a sense of what to possibly expect, but we also didn't have sex much at all when I was pregnant, so it's been close to a year since we had a normal (never super active anyway) sex life. Just part of the transition to being parents, I guess...
I dream of a full night's sleep much, much more than sex at this point!

[Dmitrizmom]

ddc crashing - saw this on new posts... dd will be 8 months next week... we've dtd 3 times, I think. Need for sleep wins.

[waiting2bemommy]

wow, thanks for your responses. At least I know it's not just me! I was by myself with ds when he was born and went months without either the opportunity or desire so this is totally new territory for me.