should I say something?

[AAK]

On the surface, my friend has a very wonderful active two and a half year old. Until the other day, I had just seen this child briefly--as she regulary gets a babysitter for him (her dd and my dd are close friends, and our friendship developed because of that). The other day, however, I suggested that she just bring him along-- we were taking the girls for a treat and then coming back to my place to play. I have a great environment for kids, lots of space to run, jump, play, etc. So, anyways, they come and something seems really not 'right' with the little one. The mom had to constantly chase him because he was always getting into things, hitting, throwing rocks at people and cats, and had a general unawareness of consequences (both natural and mom issued).

Jeez, reading my sentences makes this sound like normal little boy behavior which is (I guess) why I always thought stories of him were a bit funny to listen to. I just thought "wow you got your hands full". But, this really seems to go beyond that. He constantly needed stimulation -- if he wasn't running, jumping, etc. He would be bouncing on the horse, or while eating spinning in the chair. He had 0 attention for anything. He dug in the sand area for maybe 2 seconds, found the kiddie hoe and went to town for about five seconds but moved so close to my dd that we had to intervene. We pulled out the duplo blocks which he seemed delighted in as I pulled them out--only to be uninterested before ever connecting a block.

I don't want to be alarmist, but I think "something" is up with the kid. Maybe a sensory issue??? I really don't know but he is not like any toddler I have ever met (with the exception of one who is now diagnosed as high functioning autism). I have no qualifications to make a diagnosis, but if he were my child I would want to have him evaluated. In discussions about our kids, it is clear that he is overwhelming and she doesn't know what to do. She is also the most consistent, gentle momma I know. I fear I would have 'lost it' by now.

So, I would like to tell her about a good place to have a screening done. Only because I hear that early intervention is the best. But, I don't want to be rude or overstepping my boundaries. I think I would want someone to point it out to me, but maybe not. Her dh is out of town 75% of the time as well.

Could I say something or should I keep quiet?

Amy

[lotusdebi]

Why not mention that her son seems like he has a ton of extra energy and you've heard about sensory issues, and, hey, check out this website:
http://www.sensory-processing-disord...checklist.html

I think approaching it as a possible sensory issue is much less threatening than mentioning autism. Both of my sons saw occupational therapists for evaluations for sensory issues, so that's who I'd recommend. But, you may not want to mention evaluations or anything just yet. Let her check out the website and see if any lightbulbs go on first. It's difficult to come to terms with your child having a diagnosis, even when you suspect that he's a bit different from his peers.

[CarrieMF]

absolutely sensory seeking. even you dumping the blocks out, what a wonderful sound that must be for him but the actual blocks is non-stimulating. Running, jumping, spinning, throwing, bouncing, etc are all sensory seeking actions.

I would say something, she knows there's an issue otherwise she wouldn't always get a sitter for him.

[SpottedFoxx]

I'd say something. Even non-special needs kids sensory seek. It's very natural. However, her son sounds a lot like mine at that age and he has SPD among other things.

[Cinder]

This describes Travis 100%... Weighted vests, wrapping, rough play, heavy work etc all work to calm him down so he acts like a normal 2 year old instead of a "travis monster"...but I never would of figured out to do those things if not for his therapist, Kincaid had sensory issues as well, he just didn't react in the same way.

Travis is autistic, but I think sensory issues, even severe ones, can easily be completely unrelated to any other diagnosis, so I definitely wouldn't jump to that conclusion.

[MotherWhimsey]

I wouldn't say anything like "oh, I think your kid might have something." I'd phrase it differently and say "so I read that kids that like rough play like that are sometimes really calmed down by sling swings or playdough or a really heavy blanket. Have you guys tried anything like that and does it work?" That way it's nothing threatening and might give her ideas without making her feel like you're judging as much.

My son is a LOT like that. He's like a destructive force unto himself. This week alone he's ruined a nintendo DS (he wanted to see how big of a splash it made when he threw it into the bathtub), he's painted the walls with oil and make-up because that seems to be his preferred art medium, he hid a pile of fruit under a chair to feed the ants (and so now we have an ant problem, fun.), he dumped about 3 bags of dry beans from the bean box all over the living room because they are fun to dig your hands into and then fling them all over, took the frame off his posters so he could sword fight with the little plastic things, gone through 3 rolls of medical tape, and then the usual dumping of every toy we own.

And he does these things in seconds and watches for me to go do laundry or go to the bathroom. Our house is very babyproof and has gates galore and he still manages to do all this. Each of our doors has 2 or 3 locks on it too because he'll just walk right out or go into the garage to get tools. He also regularly unscrews latch plates, door hinges, cabinates, air intake vents and electronics if he finds a screw driver. There is nothing more surprising than to have part of your door fall off when you open it.

I often don't come across his more sneaky disasters because he does them when I'm in the bathroom or something and then goes back to what he was doing and I don't know he did anything at all. I crap in fear of what he's going to do while I'm on the pot.

Have you ever watched Dennis the Menace? Yeh, that's basically him. He doesn't ever mean to do anything destructive, it just happens. He's very sweet and curious and it just happens.

His doctors have seen him in action many times (just this week he taped about 5 chairs together in the waiting room so that people would know that you're not supposed to crawl under chairs in the waiting room. I obviously was aware of this one, but it kept him happy and we cleaned it up before we went back). None of them have ever said anything more than "wow, he's a handful." So they obviously don't think it's a big deal.

So basically we just try to keep as much out of his reach as we can and don't have things that we mind getting ruined. We figure that it'll eventually pass, he's only 3. He has very little interest in actually playing with toys or watching TV, he just wants to play with tools and electronics and such. We have a gross motor room with a ball pit, fort, sling swing, scooper sit on toy, wagon, and a padded area. None of it makes a big of difference. If someone told me that they thought that we just weren't doing the right thing to keep him from being loud, destructive, and wild, then I think I might punch them. Trust me, she knows he's a handful and is probably doing the best she can.

So give her ideas or commiseration, but don't tell her you think he's not normal until you know how she feels about it. She could probably use some commiseration and new ideas, but I'd leave the rest out of it until you know more.

[AAK]

Thanks for all the input. I really want to be supportive and help her find help or ideas or whatever she needs because I am seeing how draining this is for her. She is a wonderful mother, and he is a wonderful child. So, no I def. didn't want to label or cause great alarm.

Fortunately, the topic came up on its own today and I was able to casually ask about sensory issues. She jumped right into that--wanting to know what that meant, etc. I told her I would send her a link -- the one lotusdebi mentioned-- and she could read about it and see if it would fit. She seemed to like the idea that she might be able to find someone that could help her with him, even if it were to just give her ideas or insight. She would really like to be able to shower without fearing for the worst while she is in it. She showers while he is sleeping, but he does sometimes wake during and he gets into trouble.

Thanks again, I will be passing on information and hope for the best.

Amy

[lotusdebi]

Sounds like a great conversation! I hope she finds a way to get some relief soon! Those first few years with my eldest child were so incredibly difficult that I wasn't sure we'd survive it. You're a terrific friend for wanting to help!

[MotherWhimsey]

sounds like it went great!

[TzippityDoulah]

it's nice that it came out naturally b/c it is a difficult line to now cross - suggesting someone's kid has something "wrong with them" ykwim? it can easily come out in a hurtful way. But it sounds like you did a great job of handling it! and good for you for being concerned and recognizing she is struggling b/c her son is having some issue and not just b/c she has can't hack it as a parent or whatever lol. it's good to have people in your life that understand

[BetsyNY]

Originally Posted by HennyPenny

it's nice that it came out naturally b/c it is a difficult line to now cross - suggesting someone's kid has something "wrong with them" ykwim? it can easily come out in a hurtful way. But it sounds like you did a great job of handling it! and good for you for being concerned and recognizing she is struggling b/c her son is having some issue and not just b/c she has can't hack it as a parent or whatever lol. it's good to have people in your life that understand

It's great when another mama is so receptive--now that you've given her the reins, she's going to run with it, sounds like. Good for you!