I'm trying so hard to get help, but it's like it's not meant to be or something. I've gotten to the point where I just can't live like this anymore. It's not fair to my children, my husband, or myself. It's going to be a very long life if I don't get better. I've been depressed for years--I was treated a few years ago towards the end of my first marriage but I had to stop seeing my doctor and stop the medication because I lost my insurance. And for a short time I thought I had gotten better. Well here I am five years later and I'm right back in that same exact dark place I was before. I'm not going to describe it, I'm sure you all know....
I have insurance now (NJ Family Care) and I went to the doctor my husband sees (a regular doctor) and I was given a "prescription" for a psychiatrist. So I called the hospital he recommended and they aren't taking new patients. I just called another place and they told me they can't patients with out-of-county medicaid. So I called the place in my county and I had a choice of two cities with offices--they are supposed to give my info to the city closer to me...but they haven't called back.
It takes all I have to make these calls. I have severe anxiety when it comes to making phone calls. I don't know who else to call. This is really hard for me. It took me years to get up the courage to call a doctor in the first place.
I told my husband I need to see a therapist and I think he's actually mad about it. He feels like it's either all in my head and I can snap out of it, or he can fix my problem since he's the cause of it (he's not). I let it slip to his mother that I needed to talk to someone and he said that was probably the worst thing I could have done. She was very critical of me when she found out I used medication to get through my divorce (she didn't need that, so why should I?). According to her, I need to "think positive thoughts" and I need a friend. Yes I do need a friend, but honestly, who wants to be badgered with someone's problems? People have their own problems. I told her I need a therapist, not a friend.
I have so much inside of me that's it's boiling. Except I can't feel anything on the outside. I'm at war with myself. Sometimes I have good days. Really good days. I feel in control. Then poof that dark cloud comes back and I turn into a monster.
My mother would also tell me I need a friend. No one seems to get that I'm 32 and I've had *5* friends in my entire life. Isn't it obvious that I have trouble making and keeping friends? My MIL offered to babysit so I could go out with a friend. I asked if these imaginary friends were supposed to fall out of the sky?
I believe I have a social anxiety disorder on top of everything else. People just aren't easy for me. I try to avoid them.
If I had a "real problem" they'd want me to see a doctor right? Why is this poo-pooed? I'm in agony right now. My children are afraid of me. My husband thinks I hate him. I can see this marriage ending too because of me. He knows my family history. This stuff is genetic. My grandmother had A&D and needed valium, my father is depressive, my younger sister is bipolar. I don't see it as my "destiny" but I've suffered with with this so long that I'm beginning to wonder if it's just my personality. But it's so awful feeling that it can't possibly be "me".
I have insurance now (NJ Family Care) and I went to the doctor my husband sees (a regular doctor) and I was given a "prescription" for a psychiatrist. So I called the hospital he recommended and they aren't taking new patients. I just called another place and they told me they can't patients with out-of-county medicaid. So I called the place in my county and I had a choice of two cities with offices--they are supposed to give my info to the city closer to me...but they haven't called back.
It takes all I have to make these calls. I have severe anxiety when it comes to making phone calls. I don't know who else to call. This is really hard for me. It took me years to get up the courage to call a doctor in the first place.
I told my husband I need to see a therapist and I think he's actually mad about it. He feels like it's either all in my head and I can snap out of it, or he can fix my problem since he's the cause of it (he's not). I let it slip to his mother that I needed to talk to someone and he said that was probably the worst thing I could have done. She was very critical of me when she found out I used medication to get through my divorce (she didn't need that, so why should I?). According to her, I need to "think positive thoughts" and I need a friend. Yes I do need a friend, but honestly, who wants to be badgered with someone's problems? People have their own problems. I told her I need a therapist, not a friend.
I have so much inside of me that's it's boiling. Except I can't feel anything on the outside. I'm at war with myself. Sometimes I have good days. Really good days. I feel in control. Then poof that dark cloud comes back and I turn into a monster.
My mother would also tell me I need a friend. No one seems to get that I'm 32 and I've had *5* friends in my entire life. Isn't it obvious that I have trouble making and keeping friends? My MIL offered to babysit so I could go out with a friend. I asked if these imaginary friends were supposed to fall out of the sky?
I believe I have a social anxiety disorder on top of everything else. People just aren't easy for me. I try to avoid them.If I had a "real problem" they'd want me to see a doctor right? Why is this poo-pooed? I'm in agony right now. My children are afraid of me. My husband thinks I hate him. I can see this marriage ending too because of me. He knows my family history. This stuff is genetic. My grandmother had A&D and needed valium, my father is depressive, my younger sister is bipolar. I don't see it as my "destiny" but I've suffered with with this so long that I'm beginning to wonder if it's just my personality. But it's so awful feeling that it can't possibly be "me".
We're hear to listen. I know it isn't much help but know that I hear you.
and lots of support. Let us know what happens.
.
Winterlights. I'm listening. And I totally hear you about the phone call thing (I hate phoning anyone, and I'm not even anxious), and about the lack of friends. I have many "friends", but they're all circumstantial: I hang out with them because I see them at regular things like work or choir. If I stop those things, I don't see them. I don't really have any close friends I could share this sort of thing with, and seldom have. To add social anxiety and depression to that sort of situation - bad. But it doesn't mean you can't have friends, or are incapable of friendship, right. Just means you don't have any now, and are not in a frame of mind to attract new friends.
