Looking for support/suggestions about video games

[swampangel]

We have decided not to have video games in our house (Xbox, Wii, etc.). This year, my 7yo ds has had play dates with friends who have them. He has been asking us to get him one and it seems like his desire is ramping up the more he is exposed.

At his 7 year doctor appointment, the doctor encouraged us to hold off as long as possible. Tonight he became very sad and said he felt jealous of his friends who have them. I feel like he should have play dates and his friends and their families are really wonderful. So I felt like if that's what they have at their house, it's fine. But it seems that this small amount of exposure has created a strong desire in him to do it more. Which is a main reason I don't want it in the home.

I remember being a kid and not having the latest things that a lot of my friends had so I can really understand. But as a parent, I've chosen to keep it out of the house. I can imagine getting a Wii when my kids are closer to 10 or 12 but at 4 and 7 it just seems to young.

What would you do? How have you handled this if it's come up in your house?

Thanks!!

[4evermom]

Being able to talk about and compare video games is really important social currency with boys. Personally, I've seen nothing but positive outcomes from my ds playing video games. But I won't go on and on about all the reading, writing, math and logic skills that ds has developed while gaming or researching gaming.

From an article on pbs.org:
http://www.pbs.org/kcts/videogamerev...act/myths.html

"Many current games are designed to be ethical testing grounds. They allow players to navigate an expansive and open-ended world, make their own choices and witness their consequences."

"meta-gaming (conversation about game content) provides a context for thinking about rules and rule-breaking. In this way there are really two games taking place simultaneously: one, the explicit conflict and combat on the screen; the other, the implicit cooperation and comradeship between the players. Two players may be fighting to death on screen and growing closer as friends off screen. Social expectations are reaffirmed through the social contract governing play, even as they are symbolically cast aside within the transgressive fantasies represented onscreen."

[MJB]

My boys are 7 and 4 and we have a Wii. They are allowed 30 minutes of screen time a day and can choose to play Wii or watch TV. They enjoy it. If you choose to do no screen time, that makes sense, but I don't understand if you allow TV/movies why you wouldn't allow video games, which I think have more benefits (hand/eye coordination, etc).
I wouldn't rush out and get him one today, but if he really wants one and you don't have strong objections to it, maybe you could put it on his birthday wish list? That usually satisfies my kids-- even my 4 yr. old is willing to wait months and months for something if it's on his list.

[One_Girl]

I remember not having video games as a child and sometimes wanting them, but now that I am an adult I am glad my mom didn't give in and get one. We had a ton of fun playing outside, reading, and just being kids and that is what I want for my dd. Not having something to zone out with like a tv or video game encouraged us to get creative about finding things to do. When my dd asks for a video game consule I tell her she can save up her money and buy one. With her allowance that will take years to do so I don't see that happening. I do allow her to play some pbs and national geographic games online sometimes and that seems to make her happy. I don't think that just because I allow a few videos and some online games that I automatically have to open the door to everything and put my money into being a consumer. Each family sets limits on things they are comfortable with and I have reached mine.

I don't think you should go against what you feel is right for your family just because your son isn't happy not to have what he thinks everyone else has. Changing your mind about this so he can be part of the herd probably won't stop him from feeling jealous about other things kids have and it may make him think that he just needs to whine, act jealous, and nag you in order to get what everyone else has. Not every kid is going to have the same things other kids have and this is a great time to talk about that. Feeling jealous and deeling with those feelings is part of life. I don't think you need to go out of your way to deprive him, but when it is a legitimately important issue to you I don't think you need to go out of your way to stop him from feeling those feelings either.

[snarky]

My mom didn't allow video games either but grandma did. Every time we went to visit grandma's we got to play Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. We may have whined and complained about not having one at home, but having one at grandma's was, from this kid's perspective, perfectly satisfactory.

It might be a good compromise position for you - your kids can't play every day but sometimes they can play in a supervised environment.

[MAMom]

My DS (just turned 7) is occasionally (maybe once every couple of weeks) allowed to play an online game on the PBS kids website instead of his allotted tv time, which seems to satisfy him at this point. He has no idea just how many types of games are out there yet.

Lots of his friends have video games or wii, so he will sometimes play something on a playdate, and he has asked us to buy a wii, which lead to discussion about different families making different choices.

[lonegirl]

Well...we are pro-video games. Each of us has our own Nintendo DS, We have both the Wii and Xbox 360 as well as DS has a Leapster 2. Plus many games for the PC (all educational and fun).

My son's hand-eye coordination is amazing! He is spectactular at Rock Band, Guitar Hero, Dance Dance Revolution, building games such as Kindom of Kelflings....He truly is great at these....hubby is thinking of getting him his own Xbox live gamer account (we mute talking ability except with friends).
The Leapster has helped him with math, reading, writing.

Bear in mind my son is 3.5y.

[emilysmama]

OP, I am with you all the way. I tell my 6 year old, "Yes, other families have video games, and that is just fine. Every family has their own set of rules. They have their rules. You are a [our last name], and [our last name]s follow [our last name] rules." Since my child was 3 years old, this I have been saying to my child about everything that she is not allowed to have that other children may have. Sometimes it is candy. Sometimes it is desert. Sometimes it is TV. Sometimes it is movies. She is so used to this sentence that it is fine with her. She accepts it, not with a smile, but grudgingly, which is good enough for me.

Understand that I have nothing against families who play video games. That is fine for their families. I just don't believe that it would work for my family. I see no reason why I should change my stance on video games just because it works for other families. I don't believe video games would work for our family, and that's that. It's my job to set the boundaries for my family. It is not my job to be popular.

[sanguine_speed]

[JElaineB]

I agree with the "social currency" issue. DS is 7.5 and video games and Pokemon cards are two things that he and his friends seem to bond over. We've had our Wii about a year and a half and at this point it is pretty self-limiting. He played Lego Star Wars for about half an hour this morning and that's all he's played this weekend. He is more into it after we get a new game, but we haven't bought one in a while. Keep in mind certain games can be good exercise as well - Wii Fit, Wii Sports Resort and Walk It Out all helped him stay active this winter.

[StephandOwen]

My feelings on it... "eh". I think if you set down ground rules right away and DON'T BEND THEM, it could be fine. But we also have a Wii (family), PS3 (dp's christmas present from me), PSP (dp's), DS (that's ds's) and Leapster (also ds's). Almost none of them get played with The ds, leapster and psp are brought on long car rides (kentucky to michigan, kentucky to florida) and get played with *maybe* an hour on each car ride. DP and myself sometimes play on the Wii. Very rarely will ds join us. DP plays the PS3 when ds is asleep (none of those games are kid friendly).

It's just not an issue here

[CarrieMF]

I can imagine getting a Wii when my kids are closer to 10 or 12 but at 4 and 7 it just seems to young.

why do you feel 10-12 would be okay but not 4-7? A wii isn't like a playstation or x-box. Most of the games are family geared. My girls have had one for 1 1/2 years. They are 8, 9 & 11. They'll go through stages of playing it & then not play it for weeks at a time.

[madskye]

DD is five, and we bought a wii at Christmas. We use it infrequently and she could care less. One thing I do like about the wii, is that we can all play togehter--the sports games at great for her at five, and also fun for her grandparents at 70. We still spend plenty of time hiking and doing other active things--we were at the beach all day Saturday flying kites, so it hasn't turned us into couch potatoes...

The one thing I don't understand in your post is this:

But it seems that this small amount of exposure has created a strong desire in him to do it more. Which is a main reason I don't want it in the home.

I know you don't mean, it seems like he really enjoys this/is interested in this so I don't want it? I am assuming you are seeing some other negative behaviors from playing video games? Or you are worried that his interest hints at addiction? I guess I would ask, what are your fears? Is there a way to compromise or just no? My DH bought the wii--it would never have occurred to me. (He really wanted the Beatles Rock Band) In general, I'd rather read a book. But just like tv--we limit screen time period and I use my parental discretion as far as what games are allowed in the house, so the concept of video games in our home doesn't phase me.

I think it's great to keep your home a peaceful place too...and perhaps that is one of your worries? I guess, for me, I'd need to flesh out my feelings about why I was against it before I made a blanket decision that something was not going to be allowed in my home.

[Smidge]

My hubby plays video games after the kids go to bed and has since he was 11 or so.

He has made it clear to me that he doesn't want our kids to play them until they are at least 12. He knows very well how addicting they can be growing up with one at all times. His parents weren't too strict about them is why of course. They would stay up all night, until 2am or later, and play them and eat junk food when they were in HS.

[lucyem]

You need to do what you think is right for your family. I can only tell you what works for us. I do really agree with this statement by 4evermom "being able to talk about and compare video games is really important social currency with boys".

I do think that no matter what you will always get the "so and so has the newest coolest thing and how come I can't". There will always be the other boy who can see more movies and buy cooler toys.

I approach video games like I do sugar and a lot of different things -moderation. Every family is different and every child is different. How to teach moderation depends on the child. We do not set certain number of hours for tv/video game time. Some days they watch/play more and others they do not bother at all. The weather has a lot to do with it or if we got a new game. I will also point out that my oldest loves to play video games with his friends and they will spend an entire play date in front of a video game. But as soon as he gets home he is no longer interested. It is always here so it is not a big deal.

I also use the video games as teaching tools. Just last month my oldest started begging for a certain game. I showed him how much it cost and he was going to try and save his money to buy it. Then I taught him to find reviews online. This particular game got very bad reviews. He decided that the game was not worth the money. I also discuss with him why certain games are not allowed. Plus we play the wii as a family which is quite fun.

[swampangel]

Thank you so much for all your different perspectives on this issue! This has helped me a lot in seeing so many different sides of it and the pros and cons of media in general.

I totally agree about the social currency for boys. We have gotten into Pokemon and collecting is such a natural interest for many boys. Now with my ds's knowledge of video games from playing with friends, it does seem to be a main conversation topic in carpools and play dates.

My concerns are really around having more things in the home that take my children's focus off of their imagination. I feel like they have a limited time in their childhood to enjoy their wild imaginations and play. At some point, that just stops and social dynamics and other issues become so much more the focus.

I have no judgment about what other parents choose, but these are my concerns for my kids. I've noticed that my oldest gets drawn into what other kids are doing and seeing and he wants to have those experiences. Like a previous poster said, I don't want to forego my values and concerns in order to make sure he has what his friends have.

I do agree that a Wii is interactive and the whole family can enjoy it. I'm sure we'll get one some day. I guess I just want them to experience the world through their own imagination and wonder rather than the suggestive ideas and concepts in video games. Just my opinion.

Thanks again for all the input. This might just be one of those areas in parenting where it goes day by day and we see where it goes.

[Alyantavid]

We do have several video game systems in our house and my 8 year old is always commenting on different games or systems he wants. It's huge with his friends and other boys he interacts with.

We all (ok, not me so much) play in moderation. We also go outside and play and ride bikes like every other family. It's a fun thing to do, like most of the other things we do. Dh does have some awful games, but not all video games are graphic and suggestive.

[swampangel]

I think moderation is the key here. I think when I believe we really can be moderate about it, we'll give it a go. It's hard to tell if this obsession is because he doesn't have it and is pining for it or if it's a sign of how it will be with it in the house. We'll just have to see. Does anyone have just the Wii sport stuff? I feel like that would be a happy medium for now because I can see that being a family experience and something we can all enjoy. My concern, again, would be his wanting more and more games. Ugh. I think I'll just have to keep mulling it over until it seems like the move we're ready to make.

Thanks everyone!

[zinemama]

I tend to disagree about video games being social currency for boys. Obviously they are for some boys. But there are plenty (like my son and his friends) for whom they are not. These kids (same age as OP's kid) are into Legos, constructing forts, making bows and arrows out of sticks and flying remote-control planes. None of them have video games at home.

I'm firmly in the "different families, different rules" camp. If you don't want video games in the house, don't have them. You are the parent.

I felt left out, culturally, as a kid because we didn't have a TV. But it certainly didn't blight my life or prevent me from forming friendships with other girls. And looking back, I'm very happy with my parents' decision on that front.

[ewe+lamb]

We very recently bought a wii, its the only video game that we have and the kids are allowed 30/45 - depending what day we're on, a day, they love it, their tv time has gone down - not interested in watching a film etc but prefer having a shorter amount of time on the wii, and they are getting exercise - we don't have games as such we just have the sports stuff, as a child we never had games either and yeah - sometimes I really wanted them but spent more and more time outside playing or playing the piano, however we live in a flat and I can't spend all day in the park with the kids so the wii seemed a great option to us - but then that's what has worked out for us, personally I think if the vidoe game thing is worked out properly then it can be advantageous, but then I get a fright every year going back to my brother's and seeing his son (5 in August and the same age as our ds) who has 2 ds's and the wii he plays them all the time and I am sure is addicted to playing, he dreams about the games, he searches in his mothers bag for the ds when they are out and tantrums if there isn't one for him - really not good, he is socially incapable and it is really scary to watch, but then I am convinced that put into the correct situation and used properly that the pros outweight the cons. As for being social currency our ds quite honestly couldn't care less about what he has game wise and its not an issue he loves playing with legos, his animals and forts, our dd plays and enjoys the games but it's not something that is talked about at school, so I'm not sure that I agree with that - but then we are culturely different from the USA so it could be to do with that - I don't know we seem to get it to work for us.