Another "homebirth is dangerous!" and such out of the mouths of strangers thread

[Phoebe]

Today I was visiting with a woman (who is a client of my husband so I couldn't tell her were to put her opinion) and she proceeded to tell me of all the dangers of homebirth, accompanied by personal "my friend had a homebirth and..." examples. And man, I'm so glad she did cause I was about to have a 3rd homebirth!
I got a concerned look and "you know birth is quite a bit more dangerous for older moms. Really? Quite a bit more, huh? Interesting. (Ill be 36 this time...you know, elderly, AMA).
Then I got the "chances are HIGH that something will go wrong in labor" rediculousness. Really? High chance, huh?
Followed by the "I love my epidural" "what is the point in feeling all that pain"
and the "there is no proof that the epidural causes any problems".
Again...Huh???
She added (to enhance her credibility I guess) that she has many friends who have had homebirths and have had bad outcomes. Also, she claims to be very "natural" and she eats organic and such. Ok.

I offer up my birth plan/experience for the same reason I nurse uncovered in public. It's just good to let folks know it's out there. I am used to deer in the headlights looks but I rarely get dealt what this lady gave me.
My last baby was 17 days late and every single person I say that to wonders why/how "they" let me go that long. Then begins the...I have homebirths talk and the usual stunned looks. Fine with that. It's when someone chooses to argue with me and fart thier opinions out of their mouths at me that perplexes me.

Good thing I didn't tell her this'll be my 3rd hbac as well.
Windbag!!!

Ahhhhh. Feel better now.

Amy

[TabithaB]

Yeah. I just love the "you are doing WHAT? Why would you wanna do that? reaction. Is that safe? Fortunately I have been met mostly with curiosity. I haven't received too much criticism. (Most of the people around me know to keep it to themselves)

In my case the kids are blabbing it all over the place and the parents are wondering if the kids got it wrong. Nope. I think that is funny.

[me&3]

Yup, yup.

I get the AMA thing, too, at (gasp!) 40.

[fruitfulmomma]

My last one was 4 weeks "late", even with an adjusted ultrasound date she was still over 41 weeks, and the doctor in triage at l&d told me to go home and have my homebirth when the baby was ready.

[kavamamakava]

"they" must be having a baby, not you :P

[AFWife]

There's one woman on my facebook (a friend of my parents so I can't tell her where to stick it either) that gets downright OFFENDED when I post homebirth stuff. I put up a fact about most OBs not ever seeing a natural birth and, in fact, not really being trained in natural birth...and she jumped all over me. "Women that choose the safety of the hospital and medication shouldn't be made to feel bad for their choice." Her husband is worse. I said something about a homebirth and he goes, "Oh yeah, because your house is so much cleaner than a hospital." I was like, "Actually, no one has gotten MRSA just coming to my house...but people that go to hospitals for routine tests get it...so yes, my house is a safer."

[JennTheMomma]

I haven't gotten any bad reactions in real life. Actually everyone was really supportive, even the clinic where we take our kids to see the Pediatrician. Homebirth, while still not as common as other countries, is actually pretty common in my area. But I do get a lot of negative comments by other online moms. But I really don't care. Childbirth is something I researched, not just on my own, but in college as well.

[lunarlady]

I usually get this sort of shocked look, then either the questions..."Why?" or that sort of wierd "You are so brave!". Sigh. But every now and agian lately I've been getting "I saw that movie, Buisness of Being Born. It's great that your making that choice for your baby." That's always a surprising and nice one to get. When people get really annoying, I point out that it's not like I can't go to the hospital at any point if I want to. That usually shuts them up.

[AFWife]

My mother told me I'd need someone to come take DS while I was in labor because it would "traumatize him" if he were present. He'll be 21 months. Old enough for me and DH to say, "Mommy's okay."

[fairydoula]

Originally Posted by AFWife

My mother told me I'd need someone to come take DS while I was in labor because it would "traumatize him" if he were present. He'll be 21 months. Old enough for me and DH to say, "Mommy's okay."

I don't want to seem like I'm overstepping, I just wanted to mention that your mom has a valid point. You really never know how you'll feel in labor, even if you've done it before, and each child can be very different at birth. It is nice to have a backup person specifically for your older child. YOU may decide you don't want him there for a small period of time, or HE may become hungry/grouchy/scared/tired and your dh may be very focused on you, or you may be very focused on labor and not be able to give your older child the comfort/care/attention/reassurance he needs at a particular time. Labor can be uncomfortable and difficult for even adults that love you to watch or be involved with. It may be very traumatic or it may be wonderful. If it is traumatic, you don't really want to have to try and focus on your labor and your body and also the needs of a 21month old baby at the same time, if things get really intense.
That said, of course it is your decision to make. I'd just encourage you to think about how demanding a 21month old can be and whether, in the middle of labor, you might not like to have someone you can trust to take care of your child if needed.
respectfully,
Jen
p.s. I don't think that it would be traumatic just watching a birth for your older child. I think there are more concerns about the older child's care than the "trauma" of watching a birth.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by fairydoula

p.s. I don't think that it would be traumatic just watching a birth for your older child. I think there are more concerns about the older child's care than the "trauma" of watching a birth.

You're not overstepping. Maybe my reaction would be better explained if I provided background on my mother: She hates my DH, is needy and over-nurturing at the same time, and likes to force her way into my life. So, her "being worried about DS" was just her "wanting to control the situation after I basically informed her that she wasn't invited to the birth"...

We may have someone there...but it will be a local friend. Both of our parents are 3 hours away

[Beltane]

Originally Posted by AFWife

There's one woman on my facebook (a friend of my parents so I can't tell her where to stick it either) that gets downright OFFENDED when I post homebirth stuff. I put up a fact about most OBs not ever seeing a natural birth and, in fact, not really being trained in natural birth...and she jumped all over me. "Women that choose the safety of the hospital and medication shouldn't be made to feel bad for their choice." Her husband is worse. I said something about a homebirth and he goes, "Oh yeah, because your house is so much cleaner than a hospital." I was like, "Actually, no one has gotten MRSA just coming to my house...but people that go to hospitals for routine tests get it...so yes, my house is a safer."

Wow - I know how you feel! I actually 'unfriended' someone because of rude remarks they made.

[jeninejessica]

I work in a coffee shop, and was having a very general conversation with an almost due mama about her pregnancy, and the upcoming birth, and actually had another customer come up, tap her on the arm and say "All I can say-- is get the drugs as SOON as they let you! No other way to do it." And then she walked away. The mama and I just kind of stood there with open mouths.

It's amazing how people can insert their own -feelings- into an evidence based decision.

[rlmueller]

I thought I'd want my son home but by 4pm when the bus came, I had the an attendant ask the neighbor kid to take my son to his house because I was making WAY too much noise for me to be comfortable having my son in the house. I would've felt inhibited with my son in the house because of my noise level (note: I'm from NY). As soon as Laura was out, my son was sent for.

[spruce]

It's been 4 years since I gave birth, but people still come to me with pregnant friends in tow and say, "Talk to this Mama, she'll help you through the choices."

And really, that's all we can do...be a voice for choices in birth and parenting, and show the world what a wonderful thing catching our own babies is, and how healthy breastmilk is, and how babies don't forget how to walk just because they're in slings for a few years. (Or that they'll smother in your bed, or they'll get sick if they don't get a bath in the first few days, or or or).

I hope to have one or two more, and I cringe thinking of all the silly things people come up with to scare pregnant women and new moms. But I know, now, that at the same time, I'm changing some minds, slowly. Like the OP said, it's important to get the message out that there are OPTIONS.

I love the "no MRSA in my house" bit! :

love, p

[spruce]

Originally Posted by AFWife

You're not overstepping. Maybe my reaction would be better explained if I provided background on my mother: She hates my DH, is needy and over-nurturing at the same time, and likes to force her way into my life. So, her "being worried about DS" was just her "wanting to control the situation after I basically informed her that she wasn't invited to the birth"...

We may have someone there...but it will be a local friend. Both of our parents are 3 hours away

Good for you that you're taking charge of your birth, and putting your mom in her place.

It's nice to have a friend there to help with potty runs, snack needs, etc., for little kids, but as far as keeping them from the birth...I've never had any problems with my kids attending their siblings' arrivals! My 8yo ds still remembers, "You yelled a lot," but it didn't traumatize him. He went around a corner and worked it out, and loved his sister just as much as if she'd been brought to him newly scrubbed and wrapped in a blanket. In fact, he got to try and cut her cord, but couldn't quite do it, and he still loves that memory.

My mother was horrified at the idea of homebirth or midwife-assisted birth center birth, and she was with me when my 2nd was born 21 (or 19, depending on calculations) days late. She really did step up and figure it out pretty fast. I was impressed and happy to have her there. (Once I was in labor, anyway...before that it was, "Why don't you just GO to the hospital and have this baby???" Ummm....because she's not ready to be born yet?).

I just love hearing that other women out there figure it out sooner than I did...I remember stories of how my baby's brain couldn't grow if I didn't drink milk while pregnant!! We've come a long way, baby!

love, p

[paintedfire]

My Dad and my oldest brother are completely freaked out over the idea that I'm planning on having a homebirth.

I know they're probably just reacting to the fact that they've seen me in pain and in the hospital way too many times to count (coma for eight days when I was nine, lupus, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, hypertension, hyperthyroidism, asthma, allergies, etc., etc..) and are concerned but I have, literally, an entire team of doctors, other health professionals, and more - midwife, doula, rheumatologist, general practitioner, obstetrician/gynecologist, chiropractor, allergist, nephrologist, acupuncturist, herbalist, yoga instructor, nutritionist, cardiologist, psychologist, psychical therapist, and so many more.

I will be fine. They will get over this. But until then I will listen to and then discard all of their comments. So far they have included:

My brother: "Home?!? You're going to have that baby at home? Have you lost your mind?" "Nope. My psychologist would have told me otherwise."

My Dad: "A midwife? What if something goes wrong? Then what will you do?" "Boil water and tear up bed sheets. You know, like in the movies. Everything always works out fine in those."

Brother: "That can't be safe." "Safer than being in the passenger seat when you drive, old man."

I can't wait until they find out that if it's a boy we're not circumcising, despite my having converted to Judaism as of last year for my DF. If only I had time to tell you about everything that happened when I said I was doing that.

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by fairydoula

I don't want to seem like I'm overstepping, I just wanted to mention that your mom has a valid point. You really never know how you'll feel in labor, even if you've done it before, and each child can be very different at birth. It is nice to have a backup person specifically for your older child. YOU may decide you don't want him there for a small period of time, or HE may become hungry/grouchy/scared/tired and your dh may be very focused on you, or you may be very focused on labor and not be able to give your older child the comfort/care/attention/reassurance he needs at a particular time. Labor can be uncomfortable and difficult for even adults that love you to watch or be involved with. It may be very traumatic or it may be wonderful. If it is traumatic, you don't really want to have to try and focus on your labor and your body and also the needs of a 21month old baby at the same time, if things get really intense.
That said, of course it is your decision to make. I'd just encourage you to think about how demanding a 21month old can be and whether, in the middle of labor, you might not like to have someone you can trust to take care of your child if needed.
respectfully,
Jen
p.s. I don't think that it would be traumatic just watching a birth for your older child. I think there are more concerns about the older child's care than the "trauma" of watching a birth.

Just wanted to share my experiences as an alternative view. I didn't have anyone reliable to take care of my children when I went into labor. My son was 17 months when I went into labor with my first daughter. I walked around the garden with him and up and down stairs and followed him around. When he went down for a nap I suddenly felt labor hit me with a bang and asked my mom to drive us home. I had been saying I wasn't in labor before that. Ha! My midwife met me at home and my son slept while I labored. He woke up at some point and his daddy brought him in and he was there for his sister's birth. I pushed very quietly with her as I really didn't want to push in the first place. She just sort of came out.
When I had my second daughter, I knew she was going to be born that night but I wasn't in any established or unmanageable labor by late evening. I called the midwife anyway. Daddy put the older two kids in bed and once they were definitely asleep, labor kicked in. Baby was born around 5 am while the kids slept. I think I was a lot noisier when I pushed my youngest out because I suddenly felt this need to push her out right away and nothing was going to stop me.

I really think that a mama responds to her older child(rend) as well as her younger and it generally balances out with labor and the child's needs.

[fairydoula]

How lovely that your mind body connection was so gracious as to allow your perfect timing for labor while kids slept!
That is a beautiful story!

I've seen similar things, and as we know, natural labors more often come at night, or at least birth does, more often.

I've been to quite a few births, however, where the distractions and needs of the older children kept the momma from laboring intently. Especially recalling one birth where we were there for THREE days, doing all sorts of things to help labor begin again, as kids would come and go, need food, bathroom, attention, and each time that the mom would focus on the needs of her family, her labor would just STOP. Once the family was out again, for a trip to a restaurant or to the store, labor would again pick up and begin in earnest. But the careperson for the older children did not seem to understand mom's need or desire for them to STAY gone while she labored, so they kept coming back and, for lack of a better word, interrupting. It was really exhausting for both the mother, father and for us. I would not care to repeat that experience, it was very hard on us and on my family for me to be gone so long, and very hard on the mother. She had some pph and was very weak after such a long, stop and start labor. Partly due to poor nutrition and lack of exercize, partly due to a long and emotionally up and down labor.

Just wanting to share that there are times where I personally LOVE having my kids around me, and other times that I simply need to be ALONE. Sometimes labor is one of those times where you want to be surrounded by family and other times you just want to be quiet, in your own space and alone. Or with just your partner. It's worth having a plan to accomodate either of these anticipated needs.
- Jen

[Banana731]

I definitely think it's good to have a person for the kids during a birth. They get bored! And most moms want dh with them, instead of making lunch for the kids.

My dd was 3.5 when her sister was born. She came in and out while I was in labor, but she stayed the entire time I was pushing. She rubbed my shoulder and told me it was okay between contractions! She watched as her little sister was born. It was very cool.