xdh not doing alternative parenting - Page 2

[karika]

Originally Posted by Goodmom2008

May not be as easy as that. They are divorced, if the court order states that he has custody, then she can't leave with the child.

I have custody. legal. custody in all areas. Someone stated I am homeless. I am, and I am not. My mother would take me back in NC in the 4 bdr home I got for her at anytime. I could take the girls and go to NC and he wouldn't be able to stop me since circumstances here prevent me from being able to work and have a home (although soon I should get housing and can make new plans and have new opportunities, I am thinking of finishing my degree now). I would not do that to him and he would not do it to me. Someone else asked why I would think of caring for him when he is older if we are divorced. Even if I was married again or had a partner, I would expect them to understand and help me care for this person that is important to me. I guess our relationship is too unique. I will always be there for him and he for me, even if we are not romantically involved, we are a family. We married after only 3 months of knowing each other because he said we had to be married to have a child and I was 32 with a ticking clock... then because of a few differences and one major one (I believe in polyamory and he believes in monogamy), we are not together romantically. But I don't like the turn this has taken. I am sorry I posted so much information. I appreciate the ones that took the time to read all of my posts and give the feedback I needed. I wish I could come across better in posts. I just want to know how to handle having two different parenting styles under one roof and experiences with that. I initially posted in parenting partners but the first poster said I should post it here...

[PoppyMama]

She has legal custody of their dd and the father has been the custodial parent without a court order. OP, I'm sure you realize that you cannot actually take your dd1 to live with your family and that if he was not allowing you to stay with him you would either have to figure out another living situation in that vicinity or leave her behind and go to your family. I don't agree with your arguments but you seem desperate and sad and I can understand why. I'm really sorry things have gone badly for you and I hope that your life will seem less up in the air soon so that you can relax a bit. Take care of yourself and ease up on everyone.

[karika]

Originally Posted by momxthree

Honestly, I am not seeing anything horrible here. Nothing that will harm your child / HIS child. This man sounds like an amazing ex... how many of us have ex husbands that would allow us to live with them if we had no where else to go?

I agree nothing horrible! he is an amazing man!

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by karika

I just want to know how to handle having two different parenting styles under one roof and experiences with that. I initially posted in parenting partners but the first poster said I should post it here...

To answer this...you both have to be willing to give and if neither of you are and you both have very specific and different ideas I don't think there is a solution. You are going to have to accept that no matter how well your way might work it will not be the parenting style of the house and you are both pulling your dd apart.

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by karika

My mother would take me back in NC in the 4 bdr home I got for her at anytime. I could take the girls and go to NC and he wouldn't be able to stop me since circumstances here prevent me from being able to work and have a home (although soon I should get housing and can make new plans and have new opportunities, I am thinking of finishing my degree now).

That is not true. You would need to go back to court and prove it was in the child's best interest (not yours) to move to your mothers. Considering she lived with her father for a year without you I don't see that happening. I wish you luck in making things work.

[karika]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

To answer this...you both have to be willing to give and if neither of you are and you both have very specific and different ideas I don't think there is a solution. You are going to have to accept that no matter how well your way might work it will not be the parenting style of the house and you are both pulling your dd apart.

yes, this is it. for him to tell her it is ok to watch homeward bound and encourage her to do it, when I do not feel it is appropriate to pull on a child's heart strings this way (like Bambi, the mom dies right away, and Nemo, this is a very frightening thing for a child), she can tell we are the opposite. and he watches the news with her in the room, while I feel this is bad for any human to hear and see... but he also spends time with her and is a very good daddy. He has many good qualities, he is just not a believer in alternative parenting ideas. Well actually, he may be a believer, but the tapes in his head are so strong he can't step out of that box comfortably. He read how to talk so your kids will listen..... last year and used it in their interactions for a few weeks, till it faded for him, instead of putting them in his bag of tricks, yk? (I do same thing, I am not perfect) So you think it is best for dd1 if I just relax so she doesn't feel the stress of our parenting disagreements? Let him make his decisions and experience the consequences (just like I do, I don't think I am right all the time, in fact I easily admit when I am wrong)

[PoppyMama]

I know it's hard to not be able to protect your children the way you wish to. Although I parent much differently than you I have been in the situation of feeling like my children weren't being parented in a way that was good for them and it's extremely stressful. That old serenity prayer is helpful in this situation. You can help your dd1 to feel less stress by changing your reactions to things. Not ideal but that is what is in your power.

[karika]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

That is not true. You would need to go back to court and prove it was in the child's best interest (not yours) to move to your mothers. Considering she lived with her father for a year without you I don't see that happening. I wish you luck in making things work.

I don't wish this to be a debate about my life, but it keeps focusing on things like this in my thread.... we have no family here. neither of us has a job here. He has nothing holding him to this area. I do not own a car anymore. In NC there is a home for all of us. He is welcome to go there too. He was always included in a plan to go there (if he chooses). I have a huge family there, and resources. DD1 has only met my family once. It would be in her best interests to be with family and with her mother. I would have my mother who is retired to be able to watch my children... but none of this matters, because it is not happening. this is not what I had asked about. I am positive I could legally move out of this area, but I do not want to challenge him or embarrass him or cause him any stress, so I have not thought of leaving. We do think of moving to his family in CA if it gets worse here.

[PoppyMama]

Ok. We can just agree to disagree on the legal stuff (which was a big surprise to me once upon a time too).

I've thought about your situation for a while and this is the best I can come up with... It is in human nature (for most people) to push against someone trying to control their lives/behavior. I suspect that as long as you make these specific parenting methods an issue between you and your co-parent he will continue to push against everything you do (intentionally or subconsciously). All you can control is what you do and your reactions to what everyone else is doing so I would stop reacting to his parenting and only react to your dd1s response and sound non-judgmental while you do it. Almost like you don't have any idea why she's acting the way she is. Release them both from your opinions so that they can see the reactions to the choices they make. As long as you push your judgments into it they will only see your reactions not their own.

[provocativa]

one of the things that keeps me from leaving my dh is that i would no longer control the girls lives, particularly vis a vis junk food colorings and gluten free. when they get contaminated life becomes a living hell, behaviorally and intestinally. hell like they are so crazy and violent that tying them to the chair or putting in a carseat is the only way to stay safe for them and me, intestinal symptoms like screaming at the top of her lungs for 30mins-2hours it hurts it hurts it hurts mommy make it stop. i know that he would both be careless and contaminate them, but also perhaps intentionally do it and send them back to me for the 3 days of hell (symptoms start the day after ingestion). also we don't have a tv, but he is a total crappy parent and will parent with it when i'm gone so they'll stay put while he drinks and smokes outside.

my blathering point- maybe pick your battles. start negotiating with self or him, give in on the tv time and keep things gfcfsf. it is taunting the kid to eat cheese in front of her. when she's ready she will be able to shrug her shoulders about it.

[Thao]

I just want to know how to handle having two different parenting styles under one roof and experiences with that. I initially posted in parenting partners but the first poster said I should post it here...

Hi Karika, I'm the one who suggested you post here, and I think you've gotten some good (if hard) advice and you have handled it very graciously. Kudos to you!

I get that you wanted to keep the question to just how to handle difference in parenting, but I do think your other circumstances are pertinent. Because if you two were married i.e. committed to share your lives together in one home as a family, there would be more of an onus on both of you to present a united front to the children in terms of childrearing practices. But you are not; you are dear friends who happen to share a child. To me, this means that you have the right to make suggestions to him regarding how he raises your daughter, but not to insist. If he shows by his actions that he does not accept your suggestions, you need to let it go. No matter how close you are as friends, the fact is that you are two separate family units at this point, and he has the right to call the shots in his home just as you would expect the right to call the shots in your home. Since you are an A type personality that likes to control everything, I can understand how this shift, letting go of control over your beloved daughter, is difficult. But truly, your insistence on trying to maintain control inappropriately will cause more damage than his mainstream parenting choices. Like the other poster said, practice the serenity prayer, focus on your ex's good qualities, and keep reminding yourself that your daughter will be just fine!

[papayapetunia]

Originally Posted by provocativa

one of the things that keeps me from leaving my dh is that i would no longer control the girls lives, particularly vis a vis junk food colorings and gluten free. when they get contaminated life becomes a living hell, behaviorally and intestinally. hell like they are so crazy and violent that tying them to the chair or putting in a carseat is the only way to stay safe for them and me, intestinal symptoms like screaming at the top of her lungs for 30mins-2hours it hurts it hurts it hurts mommy make it stop. i know that he would both be careless and contaminate them, but also perhaps intentionally do it and send them back to me for the 3 days of hell (symptoms start the day after ingestion). also we don't have a tv, but he is a total crappy parent and will parent with it when i'm gone so they'll stay put while he drinks and smokes outside.

my blathering point- maybe pick your battles. start negotiating with self or him, give in on the tv time and keep things gfcfsf. it is taunting the kid to eat cheese in front of her. when she's ready she will be able to shrug her shoulders about it.

Srsly?

[kama'aina mama]

A thought on the movie issue. When my DD was that age I started explaining plots to her. I told her that the adults who make movies for kids know that kids like to watch movies about kids doing things without too many adults in the story. One of the problems with making a movie about kids being off on an adventure without a grownup is explaining why they are alone. The simplest way to do this is for the story teller to have the parents be dead. It's just a plot device. It shouldn't be taken too seriously. I also explained to her that it's pretty uncommon, in actuality and that it wasn't something she really needed to worry about happening to her.

[singin'intherain]

I just think that parents have a responsibility to protect their kids. NOT control every morsel of food, but I don't hear anything in OP's posts to suggest she is hyper controlling. I would be very uncomfortable if someone were watching the news in the room with my small children. (They're older now, so it doesn't bother me anymore). I think it's totally reasonable to say something. OP is not out of her rights to say, "I really feel uncomfortable with x, because y and z." She's not a beggar off the street, she's the mother of his kids,who he INVITED to live in his house. He is insisting that he wants her to stay home to be the kids' primary caregiver. The idea that he would boot her out on the street and keep the kids, and yet be called an "amazing man" (among other similar things, not picking on you!) on this board is pretty frightening to me.

I say pick your battles, sure. You can't be all over every little detail. And there is a lot you can do to help make things more smooth for her. Like a pp said, talking about tv shows can work a lot better than banning them even.

My ex used to do a lot of the things you describe, and they are not petty little stuff when you have to live with it. The constant yelling conflicts are so hard to deal with. Especially when the adult is acting just like the child. When a perfectly peaceful child goes ballistic as soon as that parent walks into the room, it kinda seems like it could have something to do with the screaming fights he is participating in with the child. To me, saying so and asking for help to deal with it does not seem controlling at all.