How to let go?

[cmhermes]

I've been trying to get my mother to be a mother for nearly 33 years. It's never going to happen yet I keep trying

How does one let go, really let go of the fantasy, yearning, fight for a mother when it apparent, even to you, that it'll never happen?

Christine

[neveryoumindthere]

Hi Christine,

I wanted to share something when I read your post..The BEST advice I have seen for dealing with the grieving process is to replace what you've lost, even if that 'thing' was your childhood or an absent parent etc

For me, it was a lot of aspects of my childhood that I missed out on and so I'm replacing them one by one. A camping trip I wasn't allowed to go on (but my younger brother was), trips to the amusement park, even my WEDDING (which they made one of the worst days of my life)--I plan on having another one with a dress I adore and having the kids and dh get all dressed up and just reliving the whole thing MY WAY, yk?

Perhaps for you, there are specific things that would have made you feel she was a *mother*. What are those things for you and what can you do to replace them? Is there an older friend you know or even someone you just met at a nursing home or something who will give you that tenderness or compassion that you craved growing up.

Your own mom probably was and is miserable in some way (sorry about the assumption) and so she can only give what she herself has.. what was her relationship with *her* mom like? similar to your own?

Another way to deal with specific incidents is EFT (emotional freedo technique)--it basically takes away the negative 'charge' to incidents in your life that trigger you.

Hope that helps.
*hugs*

mom-issues are tough, but you are already healing..look to your kids.. I bet they have certain characteristics that remind you of yourself.. for me, my kids are this way and each child has helped me heal in a different way.

[cmhermes]

Your assumption is correct, she is miserable. She's an alcoholic/addict with an abusive childhood that she refuses to deal with. In someways I think she is jealous that I have dealth with my childhood abuse and have thrived through adversity. Something she wants but is terribly afraid of.
I also think, no, I know, she has a difficult time deals with me because I feel my emotions and express them whereas she does everything in her power to suppress her emotions.

Sigh. She has recently started drinking and drugging again. She started seeing my best friend's father (also an alcoholic). Last week she told me we were both adults and had our own lives. IDK, I never got the memo that you cease to be a parent at some point.
All the while my ODD has been feeling the loss of her Mom-Mom who used to come over several times a week to twice a month.

She just stole money from me and DH. Denied it, of course. Now I am once again faced with the decision of whether to allow her in our lives.

[yaM yaM]

In my experience, letting go is not a decision to be made but a result of investigating our thinking about something. What are you thinking about your mother that keeps you attached to this painful story? Do you believe that you need her to be your mother?

[cmhermes]

I want her to be my mother. or rather I want to be mothered. Intelectually, I know I am not going to get it from her. My emotional, unconscious side is still yearning for a mommy.

I've been told all my life that I need to nurture and love my inner child. I never really understood what that meant until recently. But I'm still at a loss as to how to do that. And that little girl inside of me craves for mommy to hug her, love her and tell her all will be okay...

[yaM yaM]

Oh, honey . . yes. Of course. And how does it feel to want something from her that she cannot or will not give, according to you?

What is it that you want from her? Make a list. There is no need to share the list if it is not right for you - the list is for you. I invite you to turn the list around and give you what you want from her. Skip the middle man. Though it may feel awkward, I invite you to take this job as seriously as you want her to take it.

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by cmhermes

Your assumption is correct, she is miserable. She's an alcoholic/addict with an abusive childhood that she refuses to deal with. In someways I think she is jealous that I have dealth with my childhood abuse and have thrived through adversity. Something she wants but is terribly afraid of.
I also think, no, I know, she has a difficult time deals with me because I feel my emotions and express them whereas she does everything in her power to suppress her emotions.

Sigh. She has recently started drinking and drugging again. She started seeing my best friend's father (also an alcoholic). Last week she told me we were both adults and had our own lives. IDK, I never got the memo that you cease to be a parent at some point.
All the while my ODD has been feeling the loss of her Mom-Mom who used to come over several times a week to twice a month.

She just stole money from me and DH. Denied it, of course. Now I am once again faced with the decision of whether to allow her in our lives.

I don't have much advice, but I wanted to tell you that I've been there. My mother was an addict/alcoholic and a really crappy parent.

I cut off my relationship with her 19 months before she died, because she was such a mess and I would not expose my kids to her addiction and her addict behaviors any more. It was terribly hard, but I felt a huge sense of relief when I did it. I was deeply sad to lose all hope of making that relationship work, but I was also really relieved.

She was my beautiful mother and I loved her so much, but I just couldn't make the relationship work.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[neveryoumindthere]

Originally Posted by cmhermes

I want her to be my mother. or rather I want to be mothered. Intelectually, I know I am not going to get it from her. My emotional, unconscious side is still yearning for a mommy.

I've been told all my life that I need to nurture and love my inner child. I never really understood what that meant until recently. But I'm still at a loss as to how to do that. And that little girl inside of me craves for mommy to hug her, love her and tell her all will be okay...

Did something happen recently to intensify this longing?

[cmhermes]

She recently started drinking again-a couple of months now. Before her relapse she and I were okay with each other and she was a good Mom-Mom who would have done anything for her grandbabies.

Now she is not interested in them very much and when she is around she is very dysfunctional, which has brought up a lot of feelings from my own childhood. She's basically told me that I am an adult and to get over it. Plus she just stole from us.

Both my brother and I are stepping back and letting go of her. At least we have each other. And I need to protect my girls from her insanity.

Regarding what I want from her. That will take a lot of introspection. I guess right now I need to sit with my feelings of loss.

[yaM yaM]

Big s to you, sweetie.

[proudmomof4]

I'm sorry you have to live through this, sending you some .

[JonahRoo]

So sorry you are having to deal with this. I have dealt with this with my father and let him go a long time ago. I have recently had this awareness that I will never really know what it feels like to have a real protective father. I will never know that feeling because I can't go back in time.....but...

What you can do for that little girl who needed her mom is go back in time through visualization. Let the vision take you back to the age where you imprinted this feeling of abandonment and find her. See her. Then you as you are now...go to her. Tell her what she needs to know in order to be healed. Have a dialogue with her....face to face. Then give her a big hug. Let her know anything else she may need to know in order to be okay and wave goodbye to her...making sure she is okay.

This is a powerful exercise. I wish you well on your journey.

[number572]

Originally Posted by JonahRoo

What you can do for that little girl who needed her mom is go back in time through visualization. Let the vision take you back to the age where you imprinted this feeling of abandonment and find her. See her. Then you as you are now...go to her. Tell her what she needs to know in order to be healed. Have a dialogue with her....face to face. Then give her a big hug. Let her know anything else she may need to know in order to be okay and wave goodbye to her...making sure she is okay.

This is a powerful exercise. I wish you well on your journey.

This type of self help has proven beneficial for me too. Its calming when I remember something that brings up feelings of (fear) abandonment or betrayal in me. It felt weird at first ,but then one time I was going back to a 7yo me, just sitting with myself & hugging my 7yo old self.

I had just (in my memory) witnessed a wicked fight btwn my mom & sister & felt scared and helpless & missed my dad - they had just divorced & he'd moved out & I had an anxious fearful sense of dread, like everything was about to fall apart. My (now) self went into that thought, sort of meditation-style, and sat & comforted my 7yo self and told her she was safe and that love is strong within her and that she will make it through this time. Then I left the thought and did some deep breathing. From that time on, I have been doing this whenever a sad or frightening thought from my childhood comes up. I found out some crazy news about 2 months ago that rocked my perspective on alot of childhood/mom issues for me, so thats why its in my face alot lately. I'm still processing much of it, but I wanted to say that so far, this type of mental/emotional exercise has been reliable.

I hope you find peace soon.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

[chimomma]

I know how you feel.

[Devaya]

That sounds really tough Since there are chemical dependency issues involved, I'd highly recommend any reading around co-dependency - like Melody Beattie's stuff - can really help you to unhook yourself from the patterns of expecting something from someone who can never give it. I know Al Anon meetings are tremendously helpful (and ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics) for those who have grown up in alcoholic homes ( I attend because of my ex partner's drinking but there are many others who go bc of parents).

Also I've recently been reading Gabrielle Roth's 'Maps to Ecstacy' as it has a lot in there about completing unfinished cycles of parenting - giving yourself what you were not given as a child by your parent, and most importantly, visualisations and meditations and writing exercises to help you start seeing your parent as a human being and starting to let go of their 'parental' role in relation to you, if that makes sense. It has really been helping me, this book, as I've struggled for years with forgiving and letting go of both my parents who hurt me in different ways.

Love and peace on your journey.

[cmhermes]

I nearly have panic attacks when thinking of going back to that little girl. I am not sure what frightens me, really. I guess the undeniable emotions and pain that will ensue. I think I really need to push past the fear and do it; nurture her, let her know she is loved because I know that that is my Mom's problem. She won't or can't face the past and really hates herself.
I cannot do that to myself or my daughters. I want them to love themselves and that's extremely hard to do when your mother hates herself.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll definitely look into it.

[yaM yaM]

Sweetheart, what is the worst that could happen if you felt those feelings?

[number572]

Originally Posted by cmhermes

I nearly have panic attacks when thinking of going back to that little girl. I am not sure what frightens me, really. I guess the undeniable emotions and pain that will ensue. I think I really need to push past the fear and do it; nurture her, let her know she is loved because I know that that is my Mom's problem. She won't or can't face the past and really hates herself.
I cannot do that to myself or my daughters. I want them to love themselves and that's extremely hard to do when your mother hates herself.

Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll definitely look into it.

Emotions and pain will probably ensue. But haven't they been gnawing at you for years already? Its ok to be afraid. The thing to remember is that thinking of that little girl may be making you experience panic b'c thats all that that little girl has felt so far. If you can calmly guide your adult self back to her to finally give her confidence & love, it may not feel so overwhelming anymore. Hope that makes sense. Its a challenge for sure! But, your mom is probably never going to be able to go back & comfort that part of you - only you can do it the way you need it done at this point. & you can do it or you wouldn't have the urge to heal, thats the beauty within all of this. You learn to trust yourself, you are enough & you think your mom holds the key, but you are the one who holds the key. You just have to believe in the healing power of your own love. Its definitely not all hearts & flowers! But, in my experience so far, its well worth the tears & heartache of some of the awful memories in order to get to the moments of crying happy tears of relief upon realizing that I'm NOT there, in that house, feeling scared anymore - ever again!

One of the biggest challenges for me has been to shut that negative voice up. I'm having to retrain my brain each day but am feeling some relief slowly but surely. You can do it, just keep loving yourself. The fact that you want to heal not only for yourself but for your own kids is so so beautiful.

Ramble, my posts are always so wordy!

[cmhermes]

You are right. What is the worst that will happen? I guess as a person with control issues (i.e. eating disorders, ocd) I'm afraid I will lose control of my emotions. Pushing past that is so essential to my health right now. I guess its time to call the old therapist up (btw, been in therapy since I was 12. I know its a lifelong process). I've been in this place before and almost killed myself with starvation to try to get the love I desperately want. I know I can't go to that place again. Every step in recovery is frightening. I keep trying to remind myself that through crisis is an opportunity to heal and alter my path.

Thanks ladies for the moral and emotional support to push past my comfort zone.

And May May-can you be my Mama? lol. Every time you type honey or sweetheart I cry. It's that type of compassion I need to find from within instead of trying in vain to get it from someone else, especially someone so void of emotions.

Christine