How to let go? - Page 2

[number572]

Start calling yourself "sweetheart" & do nice (some nice things are cheap/free!) things for yourself. It may be very very challenging & it may feel like a lie (at first) b'c you *feel* undeserving and like you NEED someone else's strength to help you find the love you crave. But it really is within. And you DO love yourself already but you are convinced that your love is not enough. Have a daily checklist of self-loving actions & force yourself if you have to.

Don't give up on yourself just b'c your mom didn't have her stuff together, you are good enough. Yes of course if you feel like mentally revisiting that time and space could become life-threatening, then definitely have someone qualified with you. In the meantime, maybe try some of these daily:

Make yourself a nice warm drink & enjoy making it, smelling it, drinking it, feel its warmth as you drink it. Envision it as an internal hug, an act of self love.

Keep (your body &) your home clean & comfortable & make it a loving environment. Good smells, nice soft lighting, pillows, etc.

Find a book that makes you feel good & read it!

When you wake up every day (keep a post-it pad & pen by your bed), even days that NOTHING seems happy or good at all, write down 3 things that are in your life right now that you are genuinely happy about - and keep the list on you in a pocket & read the list over & over throughout the day whenever a sad thought or unloving thought comes to mind. Read the list, read the list, etc. This one is really powerful, helps me alot.

I've got to get working but will pop back in to see how you are & write down more things that have helped me, maybe they could help you, who knows?? The main thing is to retrain your brain to be loving instead of fearful, undeserving, deflating, self-abusive, etc. I'm sorry that you've been hurt by your mom, don't hurt yourself too, thats the last thing you need. I hope that you have a nice, peaceful day. You are loved.

(i hope none of this comes off as trite, i've experienced some crap as a kid that drove me into almost 20 years of not liking myself & threw myself into partying, etc for years to escape, etc. i know that loss of parental love is very tough stuff indeed, & everyone's experience is different for sure. i didn't even connect that it was something from my childhood/upbringing, i just didn't like myself or trust myself too much... would always self-sabotage the good things that came into my life, etc. now i can see that its not ME that i don't like, its who i thought i was from being told certain things & being raised in a f*d up environment. now i can heal that & actually LIVE! it really isn't you, its your mom's shortcomings, yk?)

[windsorheightsmom]

I liked the advice from the first commenter, about trying to get in touch with what you think you need from your mother, and then trying to get that support, or those experiences, from somewhere or someone else.

My mother died almost 30 years ago, when I was 11. If I were in your situation, I can imagine that it would be so hard to give up hope of your mother changing and becoming the mother you "need" in your life. On some level you never stop needing your parents. However, I can tell you from my own experience that you don't really need your mother. I have gone through phases in my life of feeling so strongly that I needed my mother around to help me or advise me. Although I miss my mother all the time, the intensity of the feeling ebbs and flows. The truth is that I have muddled through without her and will continue to do so. No matter how much I wish she were around, she isn't going to be, and I will do ok.

[cmhermes]

I thank all you for your insight. I value all of your suggestions because, really, I am stuck in this cycle and need to do something different. Reading your thoughts and suggestions has tapped into my resolve to lead a different, healthier life than either of my parents.
It has also made me think hard on why I feel I "need" her and the realization that ultimately I am the only person who will ever make me happy. Funny how we can forget that in the mist of a crisis.

As I have been thinking about all of this I came to this conclusion: my mother has always needed me to feel as if I needed her. She wants me to stay dependent on her to feel loved while at the same time denying me those feelings. Sounds simple and obvious!

Again thank you ladies. This will be a journey, but one I believe I am finally ready to make.

[tinybutterfly]

Homecoming; Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw is another really good book.



I need to finish reading the thread. I just wanted to post the book title before I forgot.

[tinybutterfly]

You can learn to mother yourself.

Also, some people manage to find a substitute mother of sorts...someone who can be kind, nurturing and compassionate towards them.

Good luck on your healing journey.

[neveryoumindthere]

Originally Posted by tinybutterfly

Homecoming; Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw is another really good book

:

[windsorheightsmom]

You might also take a look at Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. The book is about women whose mothers died when they were young, but since your mother was not present for you as you needed her to be, you may find some insights too.

[cmhermes]

I am reading Mothering Without a Map. I've been "reading" it for two months and haven't even hit 100 pages yet! I had a ruptured brain aneurysm 5 yrs ago. I haven't really been able to read much since. Do they have these type of books on CDs?

[yaM yaM]

Originally Posted by cmhermes

You are right. What is the worst that will happen? I guess as a person with control issues (i.e. eating disorders, ocd) I'm afraid I will lose control of my emotions. Pushing past that is so essential to my health right now. I guess its time to call the old therapist up (btw, been in therapy since I was 12. I know its a lifelong process). I've been in this place before and almost killed myself with starvation to try to get the love I desperately want. I know I can't go to that place again. Every step in recovery is frightening. I keep trying to remind myself that through crisis is an opportunity to heal and alter my path.

Christine, is it alright if I ask you some questions?



If you're willing to answer --

what happens when you believe that you will lose control if you go back to those feelings? How do you react when you imagine losing control?

[cmhermes]

I try to ignore those feelings or push them aside because the thought of losing control to my emotions frightens me. I'm afraid I'll be "stuck in crazy" or severely mentally ill forever. Kind of like a I Never Promised You a Rose Garden-esque. I panic thinking of that and make myself move on to something else.

[yaM yaM]

So, when you imagine experiencing the old feelings you feel frightened and then have images of being 'stuck in crazy'.

Am I correct in my understanding that you experience panic either way -- when you think about experiencing those feelings as well as when you try to avoid them?

[red and lulu]

Originally Posted by cmhermes

I want her to be my mother. or rather I want to be mothered. Intelectually, I know I am not going to get it from her. My emotional, unconscious side is still yearning for a mommy.

I've been told all my life that I need to nurture and love my inner child. I never really understood what that meant until recently. But I'm still at a loss as to how to do that. And that little girl inside of me craves for mommy to hug her, love her and tell her all will be okay...

in will i ever be good enough (about maternal narcissism, which shares many, many significant traits with addiction) she says to heal you must nurture your inner mother... imagine in your mind the mother you've always wanted and look to her for encouragement, support, and unconditional love. tell yourself what you would tell your own daughter. of course it isn't the same as having your real mother show up and be a mom, but over time you'll learn to access some of the reinforcement and affection you need from within yourself. you won't constantly be looking outwards for someone else to validate your feelings.

i'm so sorry you are in this position. it's the worst. I wish you luck on your healing journey........

[number572]

Originally Posted by red + lulu

in will i ever be good enough (about maternal narcissism, which shares many, many significant traits with addiction) she says to heal you must nurture your inner mother... imagine in your mind the mother you've always wanted and look to her for encouragement, support, and unconditional love. tell yourself what you would tell your own daughter. of course it isn't the same as having your real mother show up and be a mom, but over time you'll learn to access some of the reinforcement and affection you need from within yourself. you won't constantly be looking outwards for someone else to validate your feelings.

i'm so sorry you are in this position. it's the worst. I wish you luck on your healing journey........

Yeah, when you realize that YOU are the mother that you need, its a secure feeling. "Nurture your inner mother"... thats nice!