Alternatives to forced aplogies

[Wild Lupine]

DD is 3 1/2 and sometimes hits or pushes other kids. It's not a lot, and it is never too hard, but it happens.

When she does it I remove her from the situation and talk to her about how it make the other child feel and what she could have done differently. Then we deal with the underlying reason (hunger, tiredness, etc... because that's usually what it is).

But I'm never sure how to respond, or have DD respond to the child she hurt. Sometimes she wants to apologize, sometimes she doesn't. My question is, what do I do when she doesn't want to apologize? Forcing her to seems equivalent to making her lie, and the other kids don't really buy it. But not expressing any regret or remorse to the other child doesn't seem right, either. When she was younger I'd apologize myself and ask if the other child was OK. But now that she's older I'm not sure if that's the best thing.

What do the rest of you do in this situation?

[BetsyNY]

She's still pretty young; I'd say that I was still apologizing for them (not "he's sorry" but "I'M sorry").

Sometimes what works is describing the situation and asking her if she has a solution: "DD, your friend is crying because you pushed her. What do you think you can do to make her feel better?"

[earthmama369]

I will apologize for my child's behavior and model the words. "Emma, I'm so sorry B. hit you. Are you ok?" I also ask my kids to "check in" with the person who got hurt rather than ask them to apologize. This wording seems to take the feeling of shame and blame off them (even if it's well earned!) so that they're more likely to connect with the other person. This also allows for genuine accidents and any feeling of reluctance to apologize because "I didn't MEAN to do it!" Checking in can be asking if the person is ok, saying sorry, offering a hug, retrieving a snatched toy and giving it back, offering a turn, etc.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Like PPs, I would apologize to the other child and ask if they are okay. "Wow, I'm sorry you got hit! It looks like that hurt. Are you okay?"

[Just1More]

I like the idea of "checking in". That's a really good way to phrase it.

I don't force my kids to apologize, but I do say something like, "That wasn't nice. You should say you are sorry." Because they should. And at some level I think I need to teach them basic politeness.