please help us to be gentle

[justice'smom]

My husband and I have come from households where we were spanked, yelled at, and scared to make us obay. We are trying to get away from all that, but it's all coming back out in us again. We were doing good for awhile, but now the screaming and spanking has started again. We need help!

Here are some of the things we are dealing with with ds 2. Well, first let me describe ds 2. He is very inside his own head, (if that makes sense), doesn't listen well, tries to push the limits, and is really going through a stage of, what are you going to do about it? Basically you can see the wheels turning with him. He is inside his head wondering what we are going to do about his misbehavior. Okay, so what we are dealing with. He is throwing things especially when angry, hitting siblings and myself, doesn't clean up when asked, gets up out of bed constantly after we have put him in bed at bedtime or naptime, and when we tell him to do something NOW, he just keeps on doing whatever he's doing. Any help you could give would be great. Book ideas are great if they give solutions of some sort. Please don't just tell me to stop yelling and spanking. We are trying, but can't just do nothing. I used to be a nanny and saw what happens when nothing is done with a child like my ds 2. I very much can see the anger that happens when spanking and yelling occur and I desperatly want to find new solutions. It is extremly hard though when noone around us uses gentle discipline.

TIA,
Shelby

[CherryBomb]

No advice, just I'm in a similar situation. I've been a total gd failure the last couple years (especially within the last year) and it sucks.

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by CherryBomb

No advice, just I'm in a similar situation. I've been a total gd failure the last couple years (especially within the last year) and it sucks.

You're not alone.

[nina_yyc]

You are not alone. GD is hard. I remember a power struggle with my mom spanning my entire childhood up to about age 18 and trying to break the pattern. My DD is very bright, energetic and strong-willed - qualities that will serve her well I'm sure later in life - but we've been at odds so often that she doesn't listen well and sometimes it's between my ideals and maintaining some semblance of order and safety.

You might like Honey I Wrecked The Kids. It deals with "discipline-resistant" children and also it tells you what TO do instead of just what NOT to do.

Originally Posted by justice'smom

He is throwing things especially when angry, hitting siblings and myself, doesn't clean up when asked, gets up out of bed constantly after we have put him in bed at bedtime or naptime, and when we tell him to do something NOW, he just keeps on doing whatever he's doing.

First, how old is your DS? I'm guessing he's around 3-4?

DD is not a fan of cleanup either. First of all I try to catch it while it`s a small job. Then I give her as much power over the situation as possible but set a reasonable time limit. Say for example it is toys on the floor. I let her know I would like them picked up by X (dinner, before we go to the park, before I set up painting etc.) I tell her I'm available to help now. If she's not up for that, or is rude or lazy when we're cleaning, I tell her I see she doesn't want to cooperate so she can get it done by herself. Then I try my best not to nag, lecture, or remind again. Usually she will get it done, but at the last possible minute.

If the timing does not work out to wait indefinitely for cleanup (i.e. other kids are waiting to go to the park too) then I let DD know if she doesn't get it picked up by X then the toys will get a time out for a day or two, and I chuck them in a basket and put it where she can't reach. If she wants to get the toys out of time out, she has to put all of them away. (Only had to resort to this once, but then I only have one mobile child :-P)

This technique might work for throwing things when angry too. If you have to clean up every time you throw things, then it might start to look like it's not worth the effort.

For hitting/rough play DD goes on the counter until she is ready to play safely and wait out the ensuing tantrum. I do not respond to anything that is screamed at me and remind DD to use her big-girl words.

For staying in bed, maybe he is ready to drop a nap? DD has mandatory quiet time in her room and if she wants a nap she takes one. When I was trying to tell her to nap it was a complete no go. At bedtime she usually still gets cuddled to sleep or we sit in the room but lights out, no talking and no playing. Since she doesn't nap she is tired and we rarely have to stay with her longer than 10min.

Blech, I'm exhausted just typing all that, so I know that actually doing it is a lot of effort....but sooooo worth it. I am constantly reminding myself to focus on what kind of adult I hope DD will be and what kind of family relationships I want to have. When I am on my game, DD responds and we do have a pleasant day.