If you know family disapproves of HB, would you tell them that is your plan?

[Climbergirl]

Ok, DH wants to tell his parents (an L&D nurse and pedi) that we are planning a homebirth. When I mentioned that I was *researching* HB, a whole bunch of crap came from my MIL's mouth. How dangerous, just have a repeat c-section, why put baby at risk, you would never believe how many awful brain dead babies I saw from immigrant women who tried to birth at home, etc.

A little history is that we both felt totally pushed into a c-section that was probably unnecessary which (most likely) caused the pneumonia, septasemia, and early cardiac failure 5 days later. The hospital STILL discharged me after I said I was having a hard time breathing the last morning there. I got the usual, CPD and failure to progress diagnosis (I won't even go into how BS that is, I had an anterior lip at 10 cm but then regressed to 9 cm after my cervix swelled after they gave me pain meds to knock me out). As you can imagine, I DON'T trust the hospital (even though I am now in a different state). And poor DH is not really someone who fights medical professionals (a little more difficult for him since his parents are and he sees that they are doing what they think is right).

Personally, I don't want to tell them. DH is not super convinced but is supporting me. I really don't want them to scare the crap out of him. I am totally fine with lying to them. And if they get their feelings hurt in the end, I am fine telling them that I did not feel they could be supportive and therefore, did not tell them. My idea is to tell them we are going with the midwives that deliver at the hospital and then when they want to know where to send flowers, just tell them, our house.

But I know they will tell all their friends about how crazy we are and that is super annoying to me (not that I care what they think, but the fact that she would be telling my business to all her friends). And they like to do nice things like send journal articles to us (like the crap we got about co-sleeping at 18 months and how that is bad for baby's development, and therefore you should let them CIO). In fact, DH still is convinced that is the best way to go for our 2.5 year old and that was a big argument last night and I know it does not help his parents think we were crazy for co-sleeping (we are now trying to transition so we have more room in the bed for my soon to be really large belly). ARGH!

So, what would you do? DH thinks it would be good not to have to do a ton of lying (he is not good at it). But I really don't want 9 months or so of we are going to kill our baby. I need very positive support that I can do this (and my MIL already told me that I can't birth the size baby their family makes - DS was 9 pounds). Besides, I am nervous about it too. But I am nervous about birth in general after last time. Yes, I have to work through it, but it will be much harder if people are commenting on how terrible of a decision it is. And, we have to figure out something to tell them so she will stop asking her friends that live out here for OB recommendations and sending them to me (never, ever did I ask for her help).

I know I am making them sound awful, but my MIL was the one that convinced me to go back to the hospital and that really saved me a lot of more issues (the doc at the hospital said I was 12 hours away from a vent and the ICU). They took care of my son the whole time I was in the hospital and were wonderful about the whole thing.

What is crazy is that my normally out there crazy mother who is never supportive is ACTUALLY supportive of this! Huh?

So what would you do?

[St. Margaret]

I would not tell them. It sounds like a tricky situation with your DH, but for ME, if I knew my ILs or my family were going to actively argue against HB (or anything else we'd be doing) I'd keep them out of the loop for my own peace of mind. I believe strongly in the mental aspect of preparing for birth- I wouldn't want me or DH to be scared by anyone, or have that negativity intruding.

[Peppamint]

Only you can decide that. I recently had a client who not only didn't tell her mother about her homebirth plans, but let her mom believe she was released from the hospital 4 hours postpartum. I don't think her mom totally buys it, but it's my client's story to tell and she's not talking so her mom will just have to wonder.

There is no easy answer to this- families have their own dynamics and what works for one family might not work for another.

If you are seeing anyone for backup care, when asked, you can just say I am seeing Dr XX or the midwives at XX hospital and leave it at that.

Best of luck to you!

[HappyMommy2]

I would (and did) keep it to myself.

[broodymama]

Originally Posted by St. Margaret

I would not tell them. It sounds like a tricky situation with your DH, but for ME, if I knew my ILs or my family were going to actively argue against HB (or anything else we'd be doing) I'd keep them out of the loop for my own peace of mind. I believe strongly in the mental aspect of preparing for birth- I wouldn't want me or DH to be scared by anyone, or have that negativity intruding.

ITA. I would keep the plans to myself, even though I see where it could be tricky for your DH.

[AutumnAir]

I'd keep it to myself too. Really, there's not 'a lot of lying' involved. For the next few months you or your DH can simply say "We're looking into it" if asked about where you'll be giving birth. When it starts coming down to crunch time you can simply give them the name of a local hospital - or skate the truth by saying something like "Well, we're seeing/ have seen Dr./Mw. X at Hospital Y" (which you can easily do if you just pop in for a hospital tour) and let them assume that that's where you'll be having the baby.

IME if you tell people you're having a baby in such-and-such a hospital they might share a couple of stories from friends, but they'll pretty much let it go at that. It's when you tell them that you're planning a HB that you get the 3rd degree.

And if you've had a difficult birth before you definitely don't need any nay-sayers or negative stuff coming your way. Keep it under your hat is my advice!

[Climbergirl]

I thought about going to an OB, getting the first ultrasound, sending that out and just leaving it at that (and just never going back). That way, there would not really be many questions, hopefully?

I don't want to deal with the stress of back up care.

Part of me does not want to also have a lot of comments if we ended up with a transfer. And her friends (nice as they are), would probably say something and I would have to bite my tongue before I went off and said something I would regret.

Do you think that would work????

Now to convince DH that he does not have to have verbal diarrhea about this to his parents. I have years of experience lying about stuff to parents, he does not (which is good, but not helpful in this situation). Any suggestions about that other than mindset really makes a difference?

[Sharlla]

no one was supportive of me other than dh's family (dg was delivered at home by his midwife great grandmother) my family and dx's family all thought it was dangerous esp since i was having a up/uc. i told everyone anyway, i have a big mouth lol
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[Honey693]

I would love to tell people, but I know the reactions we got would be full of fear, anxiety and just plain you're craziness. I refuse to deal with that. DH and I have made our decision and refuse to let anyone else's issues instill unnecessary fear into our birth experience. The only people I've told are people that I know have had or wanted a home birth, so like 2 or 3 people at playgroup. I'm not even sure we'll tell anyone after the birth.

[Breathless Wonder]

My two homebirthed children are 7 and 9, and my in laws still don't know they were born at home.

It is really none of their business, and ultimately, I know they would have caused us so much grief. It wouldn't have mattered how much research I did, and how much I tried to reason with them. They never would have left it alone- particularly my MIL.

[Kidzaplenty]

I would not tell them.

[sunfish21]

I told everyone, because if they had issues with it I wanted to be able to explain...why it was my choice, how it is safe, etc....only one very medically-minded relative gave me grief, and after "proving" my case to her with stats I essentially told her it wasn't open to discussion any more if she couldn;t be supportive. I wanted others to know, to think about it, to realize that most/all of their fears were ungrounded, once they looked into it....

[Turquesa]

There are two things a pregnant woman is ethically justified in lying to her relatives about: 1) Birth setting and birth attendant choice and 2) due date. It's all for self-preservation, Mama.

Make a deal with your DH. If he can make his case as to how telling his family would yield a positive and productive result, then agree to tell them. But if nothing positive or productive will come out of it, there's is no reason that they need or are entitled to information on your personal birth choices.

They may be peeved once the baby is born, but in my personal experience, they're too happy about having a grandbaby to care.

ETA: If they're medically minded, definitely give them a due date that is 1-2 weeks out. The last thing you need are those eleventh hour phone calls of, "When's the baby coming?" (as if you can read tea leaves to learn the answer ) and "It's dangerous to be overdue." Trust the voice of experience on this one!!

[Comtessa]

Okay, I'm going to go against the prevailing opinion here, and say, I think you should tell them. Yes, they will give you a hard time, and yes, it will be really difficult. But I think you should tell them anyway.

When DH and I were planning our HB, I told everyone what we were planning, and I had to deal with lots of negative stuff from everybody around. It was really unpleasant and took a lot of work to resolve the negative emotional results. But, I also feel that all of that work - hard as it was - was, in the end, really valuable and good for my relationships with family/friends who were, honestly, just worried about us. I suppose some people are negative about HB for "bad" reasons, but most of them have really good motives, ykwim? And I think that giving them the opportunity to tell you how much they love you (even if they do so by sending you journal articles denigrating your choices) is an honest and aboveboard and gentle thing to do. I think it gives you an unusual opportunity for authentic emotional conversation -- and I found that I really valued that.

Pregnancy is one of those times in your life that everyone is full of advice, but it's often so shallow. Nobody wants to get into the real ugliness and earthiness and joy of parenting, the blood and sweat and life and death liminal experience that is childbirth. Planning a HB, in my experience, invites the people around you to take that journey with you, to go deeper, to be more authentic and honest about their fears and hopes and personal experiences.

I have always thought that full disclosure is the best way to go about things like this. While there were certainly times during my pregnancy that I wanted to go back and do it again (i.e., not tell anyone that I was planning a HB), mostly I was grateful for the opportunity to have a lot of honest "heart to heart" communication about really important things with my family. When I finally went into labor, they were all there to support me, even the ones who'd been the most unsupportive at the beginning, because they'd had plenty of time to get used to the idea.

Three more things. One, I think that if you choose not to tell them, it may very likely be harder on your DH than you realize. I'm one of those people who tells my parents everything, and lying to them about something as important as this would have been really horrible for me. I would have felt like I had to distance myself from them in order to keep my secret -- and my closeness with them is just too important. So keep that in mind when you make your decision - it may really hurt your DH to keep this a secret.

Two, they will find out anyway, eventually, that you are homebirthing. If you're lucky, they won't find out until after the baby is born, but no matter when they find out, there will likely be hurt feelings and outrage that you didn't trust them enough to share your plans with them. Are you prepared to deal with those feelings at that point?

Three, and perhaps most important. There is always the chance that they will actually be supportive of your plan once you tell them (or, perhaps, once you flood them with medical evidence that supports your choice to HB). If you don't tell them your plans, you deprive them of the opportunity for conversion. It is possible that your experience is what they will need to convince them that HB is a wonderful thing. (And then think of all the good they could do in their own professions, with that new perspective.)

[lunarlady]

I think you should tell them, but with a spin that supports their worries. My family was totally agianst the HB I had with DD, and I heard alot of stories that ended "and the baby would have DIED if they weren't right there at the hospital."

So here's what I told them: I wanted somebody trained, experienced, and professional by my side the entire time I was laboring. I did not want intermittent checks by a nurse I didn't know, or a bunch of strangers sticking fingers in my hooha. So I went with a HB MW because I was paying her to be 100% focused on me. That said, I knew I could go to the hospital anytime. However, studies show that it is good to wait as long as possible before going to the hospital to prevent interventions. If I wait too long and have baby at home, the MW is experienced and capible of handling that situation. If the pain is too intense, there are signs of fetal distress, or things are not progressing, I take the MW to the hospital as my doula and advocate. My MW also did my prenatal care because I prefer having an hour or more to discuss my issues, rather than a 10 minute quick check with an OB.

I had DD at home, and it was great. But telling my family that I wasn't opposed to going to the hospital if at any point there was reason to really helped put their minds at ease. And my parents remembered what it was like when mom birthed me in the hospital, how my dad had to go looking for the nurse when it was time to push, so they could see the logic in paying somebody to be 100% focused on me at that time. I told them the MW was MORE likely to see and respond to an emergancy since she would see it right away. Good luck with the decision. I know it is very hard (and tiring!) to stand up for this choice.

[NorthernPixie]

I agree with telling them, for various reasons listed here. But to phrase it in a way that allows them to question and discuss rather than shoot down. Be prepared with your research and suggest reading/video materials for them. When we told our family (mostly DH's family, as my sister had already HBed so my parents were on board), we said very clearly that due to my/our feeling surrounding my previous c-section, and the wonderful care we are receiving from our midwife (who can transfer to hospital, no OB required), that we are confident that for OUR family in OUR situation HB is the safest, best choice for us -- my emotional issues, needing to feel safe and relaxed, etc etc. I told them we had done our research, I was happy to provide materials for them to do the same if they were so inclined, but this was our decision. I also said specifically that questions were very welcome, but negativity was not.

Haven't heard a word about it from MIL. FIL (whose wife is a nurse) immediately emailed back that we are two of the most well-informed, practical, caring people he knows and if we're convinced it's the right thing for us then he has no doubts also. It was the nicest, most thoughtful thing he's ever said to us directly. While I wasn't expecting a negative reaction from him, I wasn't expecting anything that warm either!

It's a tough decision, but they might surprise you. And if not, you can always cut off any and all discussion later.

[Bellabaz]

I have not read all the other posts but here is what we did. My in laws would have been against it. In fact my mil is ashamed of our homebirth for dd2. But they are not the type to say anything to my face, but will harass the crap out of dh. DH was 100% behind the homebirth so the scare tactics weren't my concern (fil likes to look random stuff up on the internet) So we did not tell them until we called them to say dd2 was born. We did not out right lie, but we didn't bring it up and they knew we were using midwives. But it was assumed we were going to the hopsital and we just let them continue to assume.

In our case, dh realls did not want to tell them because he knew they would just never let it go, so this was fine for me. But I think it best if you and your dh agree on the issue. Otherwise he needs to be able to stand up to his parents and tell them that this is your business and not theirs and they are welcome to talk about you amonst themselves but to leave articles and scare tactics at home. Good luck mama!

[Kidzaplenty]

It's nice that some peolpe here have "opposers" that are so accepting in the end. But, there are some people that I would just not tell. No matter what. There are some that would call CPS, 911, police, and anyone else they thought might "save from ourselves".

And the ease of life from not saying anything was SOOOO much better than the stress of dealing with unteachable people that harped, and harped, and in the end tried to push their way against our decision.

Now, my decision. My choice. Our "secret". (Though, generally we don't lie about it, but most would never think to ask.)

[Shannie77]

I would keep it a secret as long as possible without flat out lying. If they ask about which hospital etc. I would try to skirt around the issue, or change the subject eat. Then toward the end of the pregnancy you can let them know of your decision. I think that way you are saved months of being told how dangerous it is, but you are also being honest in the end.

[Climbergirl]

I pretty much know they are not going to listen to any reason to stay at home unless ACOG said it was a good idea. I offered to give them research info before and basically, if it was not written by an OB, they really did not want to hear it. Well, mainly my MIL, because my FIL just stays quite for the most part and then will come up with something, but I don't what he would say.

Birth experience. Yeah, I was told that it is irresponsible to put a baby's life in danger so I could have a "birth experience" I wanted. I told them that I did not want to go through another c-section unless it was necessary and the response was "well, maybe you should adopt, because you can't birth a Chang baby". So, mainly, my emotions don't matter because I would be selfish. My opinion and research does not matter because I am not an RN or MD. And since I know there is not a lot of research on VBAC at home, it would be hard to really show them much.

I could care less if their feelings are hurt after the fact. I would have no problem telling them that we did not feel they could be supportive and so we did not want to deal with negativity.

And yet, DH still wants to tell them. I did get him to at least wait until we hear the heartbeat and have our first appointment. His "assignment" is to come up with a list of questions for her so he can be more comfortable about things. I do think it would be hard for him since he really has an issue where he can not lie. Which is good.

However, DH wants ME to tell them so that I can answer any questions. Not sure how I feel about that.

I think we will just have to say, we decided to have a midwife and stay at home and we hope you can be supportive. Please feel free to ask questions, but any negativity about this will not be tolerated.

I am still not sure what we are going to do. My little sister did say though, that if they do start stressing me out, she would call my MIL and put a stop to it. And I know she would. And (I have no idea how), she would do it in a very nice way that would be very respectful but very clear. She has the ability to do things like that but you stand there going, "was I just told I was being wrong?". Out of all of this, knowing she would back me up like that makes me feel safer about it.