MIL Rant about body image

[Fyrestorm]

I think this belongs here because it involves my MILs interaction with my 6 YO DD.

Let me start by saying that my MIL is great. She is very involved with us and DD.

However, she seems to be obsessed with weight - not hers - everyone elses.

I worry how this is going to effect my DD.

Example 1 - I'm a bit overweight - not a lot, but enough. I tend to wear non figure flattering clothes and yes, I realize that most of the time they make me look larger than I am. I just feel more comfortable since I don't feel like I have to suck in my belly and make clothing adjustments every time I move. When I do wear something more form fitting, she makes comments like "see, you should wear clothes like that more often, they make you look slimmer" I really don't think she means this in a mean way...I believe she is being supportive as in "I don't understand why you feel the need to make yourself look bigger when you look great dressed in clothes that actually fit."

Example 2 - I make beads with polymer clay, one of the beads that I make is a mermaid. MIL pointed out in front of DD that the mermaids were chubby, perhaps I could thin them out a bit. I didn't say anything other than, that's they way they work out and I like them that way. What I was thinking was 'so, what's wrong with a chubby mermaid?"

I worry what message my DD is getting from her about me and about weight in general. I wonder what she says to DD when I'm not around.

One other thing - She has also been known to project things onto DD that just aren't true. She has told me that DD is sad that she can't have playdates at the house because the house is messy. That is totally not the case - I'm not a neat freak, and yes, the house is cluttered, but that has NOTHING to do with why we don't have playdates here...I just don't want other kids at my house. I'm not crazy about most of the parents of kids she is friendly with in school and don't want DD at their house either. I would much rather meet up somewhere neutral and do an actual activity.

I'm not even sure how to broach the weight subject with her and I have just been correcting false info that MIL feeds DD with DD.

I guess that's about it - Vent over.

[philomom]

If you are providing a healthy weight example.. don't worry so much about the occasional mil comment. Just continue to provide your dd with great self esteem and women friends of all ages who are comfortable in their skin.


Okay, the playdate thing I'll zing you on. I find it unnatural that children cannot share their home with their friends. I do everything reasonably possible to make my home the one kids come to. Yes, I have rules but ... I also have snacks, hot tub, toys and crafts to share. Also, my knowing my children's friends helps a lot in the greater social setting. Everyone knows my name because their kids have been to my home. On snow days.. the neighborhood kids know I'm good for a cup of soup and a fresh cookie.

[mum4boys]

Originally Posted by philomom

If you are providing a healthy weight example.. don't worry so much about the occasional mil comment. Just continue to provide your dd with great self esteem and women friends of all ages who are comfortable in their skin.


Okay, the play date thing I'll zing you on. I find it unnatural that children cannot share their home with their friends. I do everything reasonably possible to make my home the one kids come to. Yes, I have rules but ... I also have snacks, hot tub, toys and crafts to share. Also, my knowing my children's friends helps a lot in the greater social setting. Everyone knows my name because their kids have been to my home. On snow days.. the neighborhood kids know I'm good for a cup of soup and a fresh cookie.

I totally agree about if you are providing health examples it will override your mil.

I also totally get where you come from with having random kids over. I was totally like this. As my older kids got older and could do things on their own our house became the hang out (I rarely saw their parents). Now we homeschool our younger kids and we love all their friend's parents so it is not an issue any more.

[serenbat]

One thing that deeply concerns me is how now overweight is viewed as fine/OK. This too is sending a negative message to children.

I personally don't find (even slightly overweight) as a acceptable, just because if is now more of the norm. Certainly not a thing to strive for or feel OK about.

Receiving a comment about wearing clothing that flatters you I am really confused by.
I would view that a wake up call to myself and would want to show my child I do care about my appearance, I like who I am, I know some due not view this in the same way. I guess it depends on what message you want your child to have.
I personally wouldn't want a child to feel that hiding one's body is OK-I would hope that my child would feel confident in how they feel and not want hide themselves with clothing. It doesn't seem you are doing do for modest but more for yourself. I see that as a difference. That message I don't feel is a good one for children to have.


Your MIL might want your child to feel that being at an ideal weight is something that is beneficial and being overweight is not as acceptable goal to have.

She has told me that DD is sad that she can't have playdates at the house because the house is messy. That is totally not the case

if in fact your house is not messy I would ask her what she means about saying that-why would she says it's messy if you said it's not?

[Tigerchild]

My mom used to make passive aggressive comments like that all the time. And she made them all the time during my childhood as well.

The first time she did her gross puppeteer projections onto my DD (my oldest), I looked her straight in the eyes and told her she doesn't speak for my DD, and if she has a problem with something I'm doing, she'd better speak to me directly, not use someone to triangulate on. She was offended, but projecting your own critique to come from someone else's mouth doesn't fly in my house, I got my fill of it when she used me for that growing up.

My parents are also similarly body and weight obsessed, including with themselves. To the point where my dad tried to make the children participate in "hiding food from Grandma" or "locking up the fridge so grandma wouldn't get fat." That was another incident that necessitated immediate direct intervention. I told them I don't really care how they speak to each other privately, but they were never to engage in crap like that in front of my kids again, if they wanted to be welcome in my home.

I've found tact and sugar coating have little effect on them. They've behave this way for so long, they think it's okay to insult people who don't fit their image of beauty, to force someone else to "speak" for them as they play their power games, ect. They were upset and offended when I was direct with them, but they also got the message.

Do I think little blurts now and then hurts kids, no...honestly, I don't really. Everyone's a jerk sometimes, let's face it. But, because of my background I suffer nothing like that from *them* because those behaviors were used to emotionally maim, abuse, and dominate in my growing up years (both against me, and against their peers), and I have a zero tolerance policy for them doing anything even remotely similar to my children.

If you have a good relationship with MIL that you do not need to keep a tight leash on for boundaries to be respected, you could try being direct but loving about it privately. Hopefully she doesn't mean to be offensive, if she doesn't, she should be more careful in the future.

[Chamomile Girl]

Originally Posted by serenbat

One thing that deeply concerns me is how now overweight is viewed as fine/OK. This too is sending a negative message to children.

I personally don't find (even slightly overweight) as a acceptable, just because if is now more of the norm. Certainly not a thing to strive for or feel OK about.

This is pretty narrow minded and offensive IMO. There is no one definition of "overweight", therefore no single definition of "even slightly overweight." I think the real lesson here is that some people have an issue with unhealthy body image; putting way too much importance on the power of being "thin". Taught, no doubt, by mass media.

As long as people eat somewhat healthy and take care of basic hygiene I'm happy. Health is way more important than size...and no, they do not always correlate.

But "even slightly overweight" as unacceptable?? Why so much judgment?

Yuck.

[serenbat]

There is no one definition of "overweight"

some do feel there is clearly a definition-

www.cdc.gov/obesity/defining.html

http://www.diabetes.org/diabetes-bas...verweight.html

overweight is not in any way judgemental statement - if you are proud of your size you should not need to hide

sending the message that you feel the need to hide your body sends the message you are not proud and that can be very detrimental to self esteem/body issues

[ecoteat]

Originally Posted by serenbat

Receiving a comment about wearing clothing that flatters you I am really confused by.
I would view that a wake up call to myself and would want to show my child I do care about my appearance, I like who I am, I know some due not view this in the same way. I guess it depends on what message you want your child to have.
I personally wouldn't want a child to feel that hiding one's body is OK-I would hope that my child would feel confident in how they feel and not want hide themselves with clothing.

As I was reading the OP, I was trying to articulate something along these lines. I know that on mornings I wake up feeling negative about my day, if I put on a cute swingy skirt (I love it when it swishes around me knees!) and a flattering top, I'll feel way better about myself all day, which effects everything I do. If I go through my day looking and feeling--whether I realize it or not--frumpy, I am less productive and pleasant to be around. How we choose to present ourselves can make a HUGE difference in our self esteem and in how positively we move through our days. There must be a happy medium of comfortable clothes that fit well and project a positive attitude towards any size body. (Even if I also kind of agree with serenbat that a general PC acceptance of all sizes is doing our collective health no favors. But I could easily afford to be 20 pounds lighter, so I'm no one to talk!)

[One_Girl]

I think you should just tell her in private that your dd is getting to the age where diet and body image are becoming more important and tell her that while you want dd to be healthy you also don't want her to develop issues with anorexia or hating her body so you hope that she will join you in not mentioning body sizes around your dd. This is what I did with my mom before my dd could even talk because though she is very thin she was always on about needing to diet and it was very hard to feel happy with myself as a child because I was always on the chunky side despite having almost no sugary food in my diet. I also think you should keep modeling and talk about how body sizes are all different and everyone is beautiful. Model being happy with yourself and don't talk about dieting where she can hear you so you don't reinforce the idea that only thin people should be happy.

Your dd may think she can't have playdates at the house because it is messy, kids sometimes assume a reason for something that isn't true. I have found that once my dd was in school it was harder to find people willing to meet at neutral locations often enough to meet dd's needs to play with other kids. At that age you can invite the kids over without inviting the parent and most will be fine with that. I think you should talk to your dd to find out how she feels about not having friends over to the house, you may find that your mil is right about her being sad that this isn't something she can do.

[Fyrestorm]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm currently digesting and processing what you've been saying. Most makes a lot of sense even when it's contradictory (to each other).

Keep it coming

[NiteNicole]

I used the old "the pediatrician says" on my mom when she started the I'm so fat/you're so fat/diet diet diet/good food/bad food/blah blah blah in front of my daughter. I internalized ALL THAT from HER when I was a kid. I knew just exactly how "unacceptable" fat is to some people and hey, guess what? All it got me? WAS FAT. Yay, what a winning strategy that was! No one was trying to do me any harm and certainly, they were trying to help ("loving" and rewarding with food, then warning you about getting too fat? Too complicated for a four year old!).

So yeah, "the pediatrician says" this is a good time to stop talking negatively about bodies and labeling food as good or bad in front of DD as that leads to weight problems. TA DA! The pediatrician says what you're doing will make her fat! Case closed!

And I will totally call people on it when they start in front of her - either my mom talking about how "fat and gross" she feels (she's not) or my aunt talking about how "fat and gross" someone else is. The "she should NOT be wearing that" from my cousin...all that. I usually get their attention, make the finger across the neck gesture, and mouth "not in front of her" and so far, they get it. They probably talk smack about me when I'm not there but I don't care. These are the women my daughter looks up to. She is not going to learn to be insecure, neurotic, and judgmental from them if I have anything to say about it.

My daughter gains weight just before she shoots up. That's how she grows. She gets a little chubby and then shoots up three inches. Right now, she's four. She thinks she's AWESOME. She is delighted with her belly, when she has one, and she thinks she is just the bees knees. I want her to ALWAYS love herself, to ALWAYS feel like she's just perfect and delightful. I know it won't always be that way, I know about body insecurity, but I am trying to keep that away as long as possible. She certainly won't learn it at home.

She gets as much exercise as possible (she has dystonia with one leg which means she can't run, and sometimes can't walk fast - and fora few scary months, couldn't walk at all and she did gain weight then), she eats well, and I will never EVER speak negatively about my body or anyone else's in front of her.

[Catherine12]

I'm going to take the other side on the "dressing nicely" issue.

My interpretation of what the OP was saying was not that she felt she had to hide her body by her choice of clothes, but that she would rather wear more comfortable clothing (which usually means looser clothing) than more flattering clothing. I don't think this sets a bad example or indicates self-esteem issues.

When a woman dresses more nicely than usual and gets a comment like "You look nice, you should wear that sort of clothing more often," that is an implied criticism of how she usually dresses. It reinforces the cultural message that how a woman looks is important and she should strive to be pretty all the time. I don't think this is a healthy message - there are times when you need to be aware of the impression you are making, but there are also times when how you look doesn't matter.

Personally, I think that when I dress casually I am sending the message that looks, and things related to that like clothes, aren't that important - they're something to think about sometimes, but you don't have to be obsessed with them. I think choosing comfort over looks most of the time is actually a good message to send our children.

[lotusdebi]

Originally Posted by Catherine12

I'm going to take the other side on the "dressing nicely" issue.

My interpretation of what the OP was saying was not that she felt she had to hide her body by her choice of clothes, but that she would rather wear more comfortable clothing (which usually means looser clothing) than more flattering clothing. I don't think this sets a bad example or indicates self-esteem issues.

When a woman dresses more nicely than usual and gets a comment like "You look nice, you should wear that sort of clothing more often," that is an implied criticism of how she usually dresses. It reinforces the cultural message that how a woman looks is important and she should strive to be pretty all the time. I don't think this is a healthy message - there are times when you need to be aware of the impression you are making, but there are also times when how you look doesn't matter.

Personally, I think that when I dress casually I am sending the message that looks, and things related to that like clothes, aren't that important - they're something to think about sometimes, but you don't have to be obsessed with them. I think choosing comfort over looks most of the time is actually a good message to send our children.

[Fyrestorm]

Originally Posted by Catherine12

My interpretation of what the OP was saying was not that she felt she had to hide her body by her choice of clothes, but that she would rather wear more comfortable clothing (which usually means looser clothing) than more flattering clothing. I don't think this sets a bad example or indicates self-esteem issues.

This is it exactly

[serenbat]

This is it exactly

if that is the image you want to send to your child- your real question is dealing with your MIL sending a much different message

You can say all you want to her, but that may not in any way correct or prevent her from saying the opposite to your DD or her hearing it from others.

If your MIL is going to continue to be an active part of your DD life, you either have to except that your DD will hear opposite opinions and you can still continue to state how you feel. Depending how strongly you feel this may in the end will be more a test of wills. Your DD relationship with your MIL either way can be effected.

I would think about the long term relationship you want your DD to have with your MIL before you speak to your MIL.