Bummed. I feel used. Need some hugs or something. UPDATE and need advice! - Page 2

[sapientia]

[QUOTE=mauinokaoi;15451667]

Originally Posted by sapientia

she needs me to watch the kids for 'me time' or because she and our friend need 'time away'. (which is ridiculous, they are both unemployed and have all day together while the kids are in school.)
I'm just starting to feel used and my friend even told me he feels bad about it. I have set some boundaries(like her calling at 10pm wanting to 'just run out real quick for a couple beers')

Woah! Huge red flag here. This girl sounds like she may have substance abuse issues and if that's the case then you would be enabling her by watching her kids and this is only going to get worse.

You are absolutely right. She has a history of substance abuse and she seems to go through pretty severe drinking phases.
She's supposed to be going back to college to finish her bachelor's this summer...I hope she sorts herself out. I'm really seeing things in her that I don't like and from reading the replies here I'm stepping back and seeing that the situation is a little more toxic than I thought. Thank you all-I really am seeing where I need to back away. One good thing is that my friend is a good influence on the kids-their grades have come up and he tries to keep them on a schedule, so I really don't feel 'compelled' to look out for them so much.

[sapientia]

Originally Posted by onlyboys

I would practice my aloof, off-handed dismissal wave. As if to say, "Not right now, too busy and important over here." You're a good friend, but people do take advantage of that. (Insert different, unmentionable "friend" whose kids you've raised.)

It doesn't mean that you like her any less if you make it VERY clear that her children are invited over when YOU invite them. Don't allow her to just drop them by. Make something up--errands, whatever--until you get the balance of power shifted back to the middle. She will likely balk at the loss of her freedom, and she'll take her boyfriend with her, to an extent, but then I suspect things will return to a more normal existence for you both.

You are generous and kind and passionate and vocal, but get why you can't find your voice here. Peace, S.

HOW did I miss this post???? Thank you Onlyboys!!!! You oughta call, I've always got drama over here! lol!!!

[sapientia]

Okay-so the previous poster(forgive me, I don't remember who said it!) that said she would kick up the drama if I drew a line and wouldn't babysit-was so very right!
She disappeared for two days-left her kids with my friend, and texted me (he doesn't have a phone) this morning asking me if the kids were ok. I replied that they were fed, taken care of, etc. (they were at my house off and on because I was talking to my friend about the situation-I didn't mind this and was more of a visit, not me babysitting.)
SHe replied that my friend should have been taking care of the kids on his own. I replied that he did, he didn't pawn them off on me, they were fine and kept to their schedule.
She finally got home and told my friend to 'get out' that she talked to everyone and decided she wants to be alone from now on. She said she was mad at me for being upset that her kids were at my house. I read my friend the texts and he was flabbergasted, it wasn't the story she told. He is now leaving. I guess I now expect her to come over at some point and start something.
Yes, I fully believe that drugs are involved. In fact, I am pretty certain.
This is NOT my nightmare. I don't want her drama at my house. I don't want her here. Why is she dragging me into this?

[Purple Sage]

I feel so bad for those kids.

[sapientia]

Originally Posted by Purple Sage

I feel so bad for those kids.

My heart breaks for them, I can't stand that they have to go through this.

[LROM]

I knew she's kick up the drama, it happens all the time (drugs or no drugs).

And I really feel for her kids too. It sucks sooooo badly to be little and know your parent is trying to get someone else to watch you cuz she/he is too wrapped up in something/someone else.

But re: your comment "Why is she dragging me into this drama?" - just remember that what happens now is just like the babysitting thing: only YOU can allow yourself to be "dragged into her drama". It is truly up to you.

She can try to drag you in and call/text you til the cows come home. But only you can allow yourself to get wrapped up in it or even respond.

It is absolutely appropriate to say "I've got plenty of my own drama in my life, can't really handle anyone else's so gotta stay out of this."

And don't let your feelings for your other friend (the guy) let you get dragged in more than you want. Stay focused on taking care of yourself and your family and your work. He's an adult and he doesn't have to deal with your dramatic friend if he doesn't want to.

Just an aside, even though I'm not suprised your friend kicked up the drama, it does constantly amaze me how much one person can do for another and still be seen as not doing enough, or the person gets mad (like your friend) that you're now daying "enough is enough". Blows my mind. If she can't appreciate past generosity, she's not worthy of future generosity.

[philomom]

If you are really wanting her to back out of your life.. you could block her texts.

You do have enough on your plate.

We can't save everybody.

Your kids and home life come first.

If you feel the kids are neglected .. you could call CPS at some point.

[sapientia]

Ok please bear with me, I really feel I am working through a LOT of stuff here, not just the issue with the neighbor. I really hesitate to call her a friend after how she has behaved and some comments she has made. I am truly taking to heart the comments made on this thread. I'm not just venting and not acting on what I need to.
I have not spoken with her since the blow up and her kids haven't been over to play in the afternoons. There have been some shady vehicles driving by and stopping only for a second (gee wonder what that is ) late at night. I know the guy she has there now is involved pretty heavily in drugs-and I don't mean weed. I know she has a pretty scary drug history in the not so distant past.
It's easy to make assumptions about what is going on there. Especially since the last two mornings dh has been home and takes our son to school-the same school as the neighbor kids. Twice now she has sent them over 'to catch a ride' to school with dh'. He has taken them because he's a nice guy and this is the last few days of the school year, so he figures 'no big deal'. I know it's because she is so messed up she can't drag herself out of bed and I can't imagine she isn't neglecting the 3 yo son she has at home all day. This woman will sleep ALL DAY. Her kids even remark on it.
Basically, what I am asking is-if the shady cars keep driving by and I hear her yelling at the kids and things keep on like this-at what point do I report something? Or do I not? I'm not looking at revenge, I know this woman needs help and I am NOT going to go over to talk to her about it, she is thequeen of denial. She will justify anything she does and lay blame on the person who helps her. I've seen her do it a lot. I just don't like the drug deals going on in this lovely neighborhood. My dh has said if he keeps seeing this he will report it himself. (that is a shocker). And I worry about the kids being neglected.
Please no one tell me I am making too much out of this. I don't have anything invested in staying around her, I am fine never speaking to her again. I am a very 'mind your own business' kind of person. I just see and hear a lot of crap next door that I don't want me or my family around and I know how quickly things can go badly.
When we were friendly this sort of thing didn't happen-and I think that is part of the reason she dumped my friend-he didn't want to be in that element and encouraged her out of it. But now she is back in the grip of drugs (selling and buying heavy stuff) and drinking to the extreme.
Maybe I should just ignore everything unless I see something horrible. I don't know.

[LROM]

First off I think you're absolutely right to be concerned about her kids. If she didn't have kids and was sliding down a scary slope, that would be sad and concerning too, but she's an adult and those are her choices to make. But she does have kids, and having shady people in and out of your house a lot (especially if you're using and out of it) is just a huge recipe for someone to hurt your kids. Or if nothing else, for your kids' needs not to get met.

This is tricky though, because it really comes down to whether the kids' needs are being met. As crappy as it is that she is too "tired" to get them to school, she does send them to you and they are going, which is a strength on her part that at least she's aware they need to go. But what will she do when school starts again and you guys aren't her school bus, how will they get there? That is a question for later, as school approaches again.

Are the kids fed, do they seem to be doing ok? What does she yell at them, does it sound like just a lot of being loud or is she abusive in her yelling? Do they talk about the yelling?

Do the kids talk about the people who come by? Do they ever seem scared or upset?

As crappy as it is to have a mom who is neglectful (or possibly worse), if she's meeting her kids needs and they're basically ok (though not ideal situation), there's not anythign to report to CPS. But if you feel any need isn't getting met, OR if they ever talk about being scared of the people who come in and out, or obviously if they ever talk about something bad happening, then you absolutely should report.

Last question, do the kids tell your kids anythign? Have you asked your kids what they think? (I'm assuming some of yours are old enough to talk to about this, maybe I'm wrong).

Bottom line: You should call CPS if you think those kids are in danger or if you think any of their basic needs are not being met (food, clothing, housing, protection from harm). Or if you worry she's emotionally, psychologically, or physically abusive tot hem in any way. THen you call.

[sapientia]

Originally Posted by LROM

First off I think you're absolutely right to be concerned about her kids. If she didn't have kids and was sliding down a scary slope, that would be sad and concerning too, but she's an adult and those are her choices to make. But she does have kids, and having shady people in and out of your house a lot (especially if you're using and out of it) is just a huge recipe for someone to hurt your kids. Or if nothing else, for your kids' needs not to get met.

This is tricky though, because it really comes down to whether the kids' needs are being met. As crappy as it is that she is too "tired" to get them to school, she does send them to you and they are going, which is a strength on her part that at least she's aware they need to go. But what will she do when school starts again and you guys aren't her school bus, how will they get there? That is a question for later, as school approaches again.

Are the kids fed, do they seem to be doing ok? What does she yell at them, does it sound like just a lot of being loud or is she abusive in her yelling? Do they talk about the yelling?

Do the kids talk about the people who come by? Do they ever seem scared or upset?

As crappy as it is to have a mom who is neglectful (or possibly worse), if she's meeting her kids needs and they're basically ok (though not ideal situation), there's not anythign to report to CPS. But if you feel any need isn't getting met, OR if they ever talk about being scared of the people who come in and out, or obviously if they ever talk about something bad happening, then you absolutely should report.

Last question, do the kids tell your kids anythign? Have you asked your kids what they think? (I'm assuming some of yours are old enough to talk to about this, maybe I'm wrong).

Bottom line: You should call CPS if you think those kids are in danger or if you think any of their basic needs are not being met (food, clothing, housing, protection from harm). Or if you worry she's emotionally, psychologically, or physically abusive tot hem in any way. THen you call.

Thank you-this is the perspective I needed. The older two (9 and 8) have an idea what's going on, but as you mentioned they are getting fed, to school, and their baths. It's just not ideal, and they aren't interacted with at all. She seems so put out with them and just generally absent from their lives.
I will keep an eye out and thank you so much for your take on this, what you said is what I was leaning towards, and I needed to hear it!