How to stick to your guns?

[tinyblackdot]

I told DH last night that i wanted to separate.

We have talked about it over the last 2 years, and things are just getting worse, and i just cant handle it right now. It seems pointless for us both to be so damn miserable, and work so hard for it.

We talked a little bit last night, but i am finding my dh to be a bit manipulative, and childish (big surprise). He said that i am taking his family away from him, and that it is not fair. He also eluded to a custody fight, which is just not what i want at all. I just figured we would pretty much split custody and be adults and do whats best for out dd.

He is still staying here, and im assuming he is going to come home and act like nothing happened last night. I doubt he is going to find a place of his own without me having to kick him out, and i just dont want to.

I feel like he is just going to pretend like nothing happened and hope that i back down or give up.

How do i stick to my guns and make him realize i am serious without being mean or a b*tch? How do i tell him to leave?

[doubledutch]

is it an option for you to leave? i think the only way to "make" a spouse leave is to have an order for protection or get a divorce in which you get the house.

[tinyblackdot]

Well its my grandmother's house....so there is no way that i am going to be leaving for hime to live in it. She gave it to me.

I dont want to "make" him leave, i want to make it a civil as possible, i just want it to be "real" to him. I think he thinks it just one of my moods. That if he just lies low it will just blow over.

[MissLotus]

Do you want to separate to ultimately divorce? Either way, the way to make him realize you're serious is to have him served with papers.

If you want to just separate, you can have separation papers drawn up, outlining how you want custody/visitation/financial stuff/terms of separation to go. If you have a lawyer, a lawyer leads you through the steps. You present him with the papers to sign; if he doesn't like what's in the paper, he counter-offers, and you work back and forth till you hit upon agreement... or else you end up in court. If he refuses to separate or divorce, you file for divorce and he will be served the divorce papers that let him know what the next step will be (like a court date). I have a friend who's been divorcing her husband for over a year and he wouldn't leave the house (they have 3 kids) and finally, even though the divorce isn't final, the judge gave him 14 days from their most recent court date to move out.

So yeah - if you're really serious, those are the things you have to do anyway.

[doubledutch]

ita, if you want to make it "real" then make it legal.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I tried to do the civil route many times... in the end I had to leave to get him to realize I was serious. It wasn't clear if your grandmother left you the house? Or if she is renting it to you? If she is renting it to you... can she serve your H eviction papers? And you can go stay with family or something until he leaves?

I found that everytime I tried to end things with STBX while still living in the same house, I'd end up caving to his manipulations and guilt games. I needed to be removed from the situation as much as possible when sharing a child...

You may have to check your state laws on legal seperation too.

[Halfasianmomma]

Sometimes, as much as we want to be the Good Guy, it's just not possible. It may not be necessary to have your STBX removed from the house, but it can't hurt to find out what recourse you have legally. Is the house in your name?