I was doing my family tree online and put his name in since he was the father of my first child. The little thing popped up saying there was an ancestry hint. I clicked and it said there was a death record for him. He was only 32 at the time of passing. It was in 2004. It was very shortly after I had last talked to him on the phone. He had been thinking of going to alaska to work the crab boats. I searched for an obituary online (I had the city from the death record) to find out what happened. There was none. I wrote to a person that had known him on facebook, and he told me it had been suicide. I feel I am alone with this. I believe the same things that John Edward and spiritual leaders like Neale Donald Walsch and Deepak Chopra do about passing, that this place is not the real place at all and that we created this place just to know what emotions feel like. Our son passed when he was 2 mo. I know they are together now. I have felt him around me and it was like I had a conversation with him in my head. I had deep love for him. We married after our son's passing. I always wanted it to work. He left me over and over (I think 7 times). He was 20 when I met him and had never had a gf before. He was a loner type. He didn't like having a responsibility. He had been a spoiled little rich boy. He had wrecked 3 cars and his parents got him a new one each time. He didn't want to work. so this always led to fights and he would have rather left than work it out. It seems we didn't know each other for that long in clock time, but every bit of it was meaningful. The last time I saw him was in 1999. I had joined a church of christ and they had convinced me I could not remarry, and had to work it out with my 1st husband or be alone or be in 'sin' (I no longer hold these beliefs btw, I have seen more of that book now) so I contacted him. He looked nothing as I remembered (we were married in 1994), he was nearly bald already and had a pot belly. He was living with his parents and they had convinced him he was psychotic and he was taking several medications like prozac by doctors orders. he was collecting ssi. I am crying now as I think of that day and dropping him off. I had decided he was the same old guy that felt the world owed him everything and didn't want to be anything else. Then after I had moved out west, I got a call from him. He told me his parents were moving to Florida and he didn't really want to go, he wanted to go to Alaska and go crabbing. He had said he wanted to stop off and see me and my daughter since I was on the way (I was married to her father at the time). That was the last time we talked. I don't remember if I told him I loved him or how special he was. He was special. After our son was born, dh1 was in a scooter wreck and broke both his arms. I still remember him in the purple poncho as we toured the east coast trying to outrun (and outdrink and medicate)our grief at our son's passing. I remember so many details about him. He taught himself to play guitar during that time and he wrote songs. He loved skateboarding and fishing. He liked Jimmy Buffet and the Grateful Dead. I don't know why I am sharing this here. I have been dealing with it all alone. xdh (my roommate) didn't know him and possibly doesn't understand, and my children don't either of course. and it happened 6 years ago... but time doesn't exist... and I just found out about it. I know everything is as it should be and we all have roles to play in this earthly plane of duality existence, but I am still sad. I wish he had stayed with me always and let me help him. But then I wouldn't have my daughters. Part of me wants to join him now (not suicidal please do not read it as such), but most of me wants to be here with my girls. I know without a doubt he will be there when I pass and I know he knows now how much I loved him. Thanks for listening, I don't have any friends IRL at all.
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my first husband has passed
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