Really want baby #4 to be a girl - should I find out at the US or wait?

[Galatea]

We have 2 boys and a girl. This is our last baby and we both really want it to be a girl. Our big US is tomorrow. We had said if we had a 4th, we would not find out, but given the opportunity to find out, it is tempting me. We both have been having problems naming and bonding with such an indeterminate baby. What is holding me back from finding out is that if it is not a girl, I don't want to be upset or disappointed. (I was upset for about 2 days when we found out #1 was a boy.) So should we find out or not?

[RedOakMomma]

Only you can know. I guess my questions would be:

1. Do you think you could get over the disappointment and bond while pregnant if it's a boy?

2. If you didn't find out, do you think you'd feel disappointment at birth if it's a boy?

Dh is a guy who really enjoys knowing the sex so he can start visualizing the future with the baby, start thinking of names, and bond. I think that's a valid reason to find out the sex through ultrasound...especially for people who have a hard time bonding during the pregnancy. I'm just not sure about the disappointment angle. Hopefully BTDT moms will have an opinion. Good luck!

[karika]

I didn't care if it was a boy or girl for this last one. I knew I was carrying a boy though. I had tons of boy names picked out and had gone through my baby things to pull out the boy type outfits. I am a person that doesn't think u/s are good for baby, so I wasn't going to have one. I was using a midwife office (which turns out they were really wanna be OBs) and they said I was measuring too small even though my weight was on target. I was pushed into getting an U/S at 38 wks (I was fine and estimated weight was 8 lbs 6 oz). and guess what... yep she is a girl! I was shocked. I think it would have been ok to be shocked at birth too, but it did take some time (a few days) to process and get used to the idea. Since you have a preconceived idea, maybe to find out would help. That way if it is a boy, you will have time to get over the disappointment, and if its a girl you can begin a happy dance? I always liked the idea of waiting for the birth to find out, but I knew each time, and really it probably doesn't matter. Since you have a wish, I would think it could affect your bonding at birth if it is a boy, so maybe finding out will help you process before that time comes.

[texmati]

I would find out. I would need time to get over it; and process it apart from all the emotions of birth ect. I also have trouble bonding with a genderless baby.

[Ellen Griswold]

Originally Posted by texmati

I would find out. I would need time to get over it; and process it apart from all the emotions of birth ect. I also have trouble bonding with a genderless baby.

I agree.

[karen1968]

We are facing the same issue, although with #2 ( still our last) and u/s isn't for three more weeks. Plus, DH really wants to be able to talk to DS about a brother or a sister. Although it isn't top priority for me, we'll find out (if baby cooperates!). I'm having a really hard time picturing this baby as a boy, can't think of good boy names, etc. So I think it will help me/us to know ahead of time. Only you can know if the same is true for you.

[Joyster]

We didn't find out with the first two, I didn't really have any more trouble bonding with them then I did with this guy who I found out.

I really wanted a girl for this pregnancy and so when I found out I was having another boy, I have to admit I was disappointed. I cried in fact. Then one day watching to my two crazy boys in action being as silly as can be, I realized that having another wouldn't be so terrible, sure I'll go broke feeding them when they're teens and need three shopping carts in the store, but I've got to love that special brand of craziness that boys have. I'm also starting to really like the type of crazy sense of humour mothers of all boys have. And as another mother at school said "You can be the princess then!" I'm liking that. lol

I will be getting a female dog though.

[Monkey Keeper]

I had a really hard time with this as well. We had no question that we would find out--we did with both our girls--but shortly before the u/s, I was so worried that this would not be a boy. Like you, I had a strong preference since this may well be our last child. I felt guilty for having a preference, and I felt guilty that I could possibly be disappointed by carrying a healthy, thriving baby. At that point, a few days before the u/s, I balked at finding out.

Thinking it through, I realized I was nervous and anxious and knew that I would do better knowing and processing it and giving myself time to embrace a girl. Was I still apprehensive about finding out? YES. Because I didn't want to have to deal with my feelings, particularly when we would be making a big gender announcement and hearing everyone's opinions.

I am glad that we found out--but baby also did turn out to be a boy. So my perception of the situation may be colored by that. Best of luck deciding!

[corrio]

I am in the other side of things 2 girls one boy, I really dont care what the baby turns out to be I just want a healthy child, anyways i know my DH really wants a boy I thought about and thought about given the chance I know my DH would of found out the sex, I choose not to because once that healthy baby is in your arms it really doesnt matter what the sex of the child is.. I didnt want my DH to mope around knowing that the child I was carring was a girl..

thats my 2 cents
and yes this will be our last as well

[2sweetboysmom]

I am pregnant with boy # 4, no girls at all, last baby. I wanted to know, 1. so I could buy a few things without trucks and airplanes all over them if it WAS a girl, and 2. So I could be well past any sense of disappointment or disillusionment if it was a boy again. For me it was helpful to know. It also has helped my boys who all WANTED a sister. It has given me time to play-up the idea of all the cool things we can do with 4 boys!

[pacifica]

I was really hoping for a girl and found out the sex at our ultrasound. I'm very glad to know the sex of baby for the second half of pregnancy, it was giving me some anxiety not knowing.

[ein328]

For me, being surprised helped me to deal with the gender-preference issue.

With LO #1, I really, really, really wanted a girl. DH convinced me to wait until birth, not to find out at the US. When my baby was born, believe it or not, the last thing I thought about was whether the baby was a boy or girl. I was so in awe of what I had experienced and how beautiful my LO was that I didn't even remember to ask the gender!

Granted, I ended up with my daughter. BUT, I can honestly say that had I found out that I was having a boy at the US, I would have been disappointed. It would have affected the rest of my pregnancy. Had I found out at birth, I wouldn't have cared in the least- all the wonderful bonding hormones probably have a lot to do with it!

[mbhf]

I would not find out. I really wanted #2 to be a girl because my first is a boy and I always wanted a daughter. I chose to have an ultrasound and to find out the sex. #2 is a boy. I cried. I was really, really upset. I was so sure he was going to be a little girl, I was so sad that I would never have a daughter. I got over it before the birth, but it was a while and I was very sad about it for a good while, and I know my sadness really upset my dh and probably my first child. When he was born, it didn't matter anymore, I just loved him.

I chose not to have an ultrasound with #3. I was, once again, sure I was having a little girl. At the birth, I was in love. With my third son. Not a second of sadness or disappointment.

I chose not to have an ultrasound with #4. I had really come to like being a mom of boys and it was kind of my "thing" so I was planning on another little boy. Imagine my shock when I saw that she was a girl. No disappointment this time either, just absolute joy about my perfect little baby.

[Galatea]

Dh says he wants to know now if it is a boy so he can get over the disappointment. I am pretty sure it is a boy. He says I can decide. Looking around on the internet, I see a lot of people who really wanted a specific gender being worse off waiting till birth b/c they spent a lot of the newborn period being disappointed. And of course, some people who found out at the US spent the rest of the pregnancy being sad. I just don't see any way around some sort of bad feeling.

[Carolinamom4]

Originally Posted by texmati

I would find out. I would need time to get over it; and process it apart from all the emotions of birth ect. I also have trouble bonding with a genderless baby.

ditto, me too.

[emilyash]

This conversation makes me feel better....we're cooking baby #2, and have a DS. I really want this to be a girl for me, but I know how great it would be to have 2 boys so close in age. We didn't find out, and will be finding out at the birth in 6-7 weeks. I am scared of being disappointed, and of even having a preference, but I'm sure once I meet baby it will all fade away. We're planning to have 3, so we will find out the next one's gender if this one is another boy.

[BreakfastyMichele]

Originally Posted by texmati

I would find out. I would need time to get over it; and process it apart from all the emotions of birth ect. I also have trouble bonding with a genderless baby.

I disagree. I think I might be disappointed at an ultrasound, and that disappointment could last for a long time and make a pregnancy even more difficult.

Finding out on the birth day can't be too disappointing: you have a baby in your arms! And it's yours!

Whatever you decide, good luck!

[ledzepplon]

Originally Posted by texmati

I would find out. I would need time to get over it; and process it apart from all the emotions of birth ect. I also have trouble bonding with a genderless baby.

Same here. I also have two boys and a girl and was kind of hoping for another girl this time. (We are having our third boy.) We didn't find out with our last pregnancy, and I did have harder time "bonding" with baby in utero. This time I decided to find out because I wanted to have time to adjust to the idea of another boy--which by the way, I am now thrilled about.

[mamaw/two]

If it were up to me, I would find out at the US. I found out with my 1st dd and had thought she was a girl, so there was no disappointment. With my 2nd, I was sure she was a boy and I'm very glad that we found out at 20 wks that she is a girl. We also were able to call her by name for the rest of the pregnancy which helped my older dd, who was 2 yrs old at the time, I think it made the new baby more real for her. When I was preggo with #3, I was positive that I was having a girl and became very attached to the idea of three little girls, at 20wks I found out he was a boy and it was a disappointment (which I feel very embarrassed to admit, he's a great kid). I was upset and it did last for about 10 wks, but by the time he was born I was completely over it and we had been calling him by name and everyone was thrilled with him. By the time #4 came along I had heard that US's might not be safe and decided not to have one at all. Although I should have known better, I once again became attached to the idea that I was having another little girl. At 33 weeks I was measuring 5 wks behind and was taken in for an ultrasound, no one even had to say a word, there was no doubt he was a boy! I felt a slightly upset, but not as much as I had before. I was just happy he was healthy. Once again, it was great for the kids to get to call him by name for weeks before he was born. I'm only 5 wks preggo this time and am planning to find out around 20wks (I have a feeling it's a boy). GL with whatever you decide.

[annablue]

Personally, if I wanted a certain gender, I would want to find out the gender before the birth - so I could get over any disappointment and get used to the idea. But that's just me.