How do you deal with your 3-4 y.o. not listening to you?

[Paeta16]

We don't generally use punishments in this house, we almost always follow gentle discipline which for us usually involves a lot of explaining to my 3 y.o. since she is very inquisitive.

That being said, she is deliberately not listening to my DH nor I lately and sometimes it involves safety concerns. I am afraid that at a critical time she will not listen and get herself hurt or worse. If I tell her not to do something, she will flat out tell me "I'm going to do it anyway!"

Yesterday while we were cleaning up the yard she went back out front without us when we explicitly told her not to. The gate was open b/c DH was bringing the hose back around. We have explained safety until the cows come home to no avail. I've tried playful parenting but am loathe to do that when safety is concerned. Natural consequences are hard but if anyone has some to offer I'd appreciate it.

Any suggestions are welcome as I am not sure how to proceed from here and it happens multiple times a day right now! Thanks!

[NiteNicole]

I just don't know that three year olds "listen" all that well. They're impulsive, they're on the move, they can't keep one of YOUR thoughts in their head for two seconds but anything they think of, they can go at with a single-mindedness that is astounding.

Mine is 4.5 now and the difference between how she "listens" now and how she listened a year ago is HUGE so time will help a lot. I am no expert on three year olds, I only have one child of my own, but when I spend time with my three year old nieces I think whew, this is EXHAUSTING because you have to repeat repeat repeat and sometimes just get up and make them do what you're asking (hold hands so they don't run off, move things because they won't stop messing with them, get between them and the ant pile they won't stop kicking...). I keep getting reminders of how much easier it is NOW than it was one year ago.

Especially with safety stuff, I don't know that I would leave a three year old to her own devices and hope she can overcome her impulses. If something is dangerous, I think it's GREAT to keep stating the rules (in as few words as possible, so they're easy to remember) but sometimes you have to take that hand and just remove them from whatever it is. Eventually they do get better at listening to your voice, but for a while (the middle third of three felt particularly challenging to me) you have to physically get involved, keep explaining using very few words, and make things happen.

[DevaMajka]

I'm not sure a 3yo can "deliberately not listen." I'm thinking about the study in Einsten Never Used Flashcards that showed that the age that kids realize that other people have other thoughts is 4-5yo.
(It was a long time ago that I read it, but basically the researcher had a m&m's box with pencils in it. The child knew what was in it, and Mom didn't. Child had to predict what Mom would guess was in the box. Under age 4 or 5, kids guessed that Mom knew it was pencils (ie, thought Mom had the same thought Child had). After 4-5, Child knew that Mom would guess m&m's. Something like that. lol)
I'm not sure how closely that relates to "listening", but I'm sure it's at least somewhat valid.

That being said, at that age I had success with some of the ideas from Secret of Parenting. Obviously, I only took what was gentle and seemed like it would work for ds and me.
I always found it was easier to stop ds from doing something than it was to *make* him do something!

[COgirl19]

Originally Posted by DevaMajka

I'm not sure a 3yo can "deliberately not listen." I'm thinking about the study in Einsten Never Used Flashcards that showed that the age that kids realize that other people have other thoughts is 4-5yo.
(It was a long time ago that I read it, but basically the researcher had a m&m's box with pencils in it. The child knew what was in it, and Mom didn't. Child had to predict what Mom would guess was in the box. Under age 4 or 5, kids guessed that Mom knew it was pencils (ie, thought Mom had the same thought Child had). After 4-5, Child knew that Mom would guess m&m's. Something like that. lol)
I'm not sure how closely that relates to "listening", but I'm sure it's at least somewhat valid.

That being said, at that age I had success with some of the ideas from Secret of Parenting. Obviously, I only took what was gentle and seemed like it would work for ds and me.
I always found it was easier to stop ds from doing something than it was to *make* him do something!

I disagree with a 3 yo not being able to deliberately not listen. I can ask DD to do something and she will understand exactly what I am asking, look straight at me and say "NO, I'm not going to do X" and walk away from me.
The OP also stated that her 3 yo was blatantly going to do something anyway despite her saying not too.

As far as what to do? i don't know, we are in the same boat! A lot of times though if DD say NO when I ask her to do something, we will not move on to the next activity until she does what I ask. (i.e.- we are not reading another book until she puts the other one away, we are not leaving the house to go to the playground until she goes potty, ect.).

[quietserena]

DD1 is 3 months shy of 4 and just recently started this.

Best I have figured out is that just like with a 2 year old, you have to use prevention. Think like your kid thinks, remove objects ahead of time so they don't become an issue. In our case, I've had my and her scissors on the mind lately because she has mentioned haircuts. Better to put those things out of reach...

Plan for situations. In my case, she hasn't run away in parking lot in ages but given the newfound opposition, I have become more conscious of where she is in parking lots because I expect a return to that. It sucks because I'm once again treating her like a 2 year old while I was expecting to have a helper but I'd rather prevent than deal with the consequences later.

I used to think she was disobeying on purpose, particularly when, like PP said, DD1 would say things like "no, I am *not* going to do (such and such)" however...

She has heard me say that exact phrase about something. I'm thinking that she doesn't quite grasp what that means to the full extent, but she thinks that this might be a way out of this situation, not realizing that this is a huge red button for *me*. I think she is trying out the phrase, if that makes sense.

My DD recently adopted saying "Whaat?" said in a surly teen way when I ask her *why* she did something. It is a huge trigger for me, pushing the limits of my GD plan but when I blow up at her about this, she is genuinely sad and distressed because in her mind she didn't do anything. So I switched to "Chicken buuutt" mostly to make myself laugh. She is still confused about that one.. Really, I need to not ask her why she did stuff, she can't answer that in any way that would be satisfying for me.

Basically what I'm saying is, they look and sound more grown up than they are. I am 36 weeks pregnant and I was reveling in the fact that suddenly I had a kid who would listen to some simple requests but this is too much for her and I need to go back to the whole 'get up and get the kid' style of parenting. Yelling from across the room just stressed everybody out.

[Paeta16]

That's interesting about 3 y.o. kids not understanding that we have thoughts. The way she says "But I'm going to do it anyway" all playfully makes it seem like this might be somewhat true. She seems truly devastated if we have to actually discipline her in these situations and that always boggles my mind b/c we've warned her repeatedly about consequences....she just simply cannot understand the cause and effect relationship yet.

I am very strict about holding hands now and if she pulls away I threaten the stroller or a cart (both which she hates at this point) and that usually works b/c I have followed through numerous times on that.

Hmmm. It is all very frustrating IMO.

[Alexander]

Prolly you have done the 'get down to her level and look her in the eye' bit.... and the calm 'Mum and dad don't want you to do that, do you understand' bit right?

Have you done the 'if you do xyz then I'll have to give you a warning, and if that does not work you'll have to sit here ---> for 5 minutes, and then you can only go when you say "sorry mum (i2i) + hug + kiss resolution.

If not, then this little "naughty-step ballet" needs to be done before you need it, when everything is calm, together with dad so you are all on the same page, and everyone knows the score.

Lots of examples like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qYpbrTjwBg for 2,3 and 4 year olds from Jo Frost

Above all,

1) Don't get angry, get zen
2) be consistant
3) Use MDC for follow up if it is not going to plan yet. We love you.

[quietserena]

FWIW, the consequence thing (warning ahead of time, consequence after repeated warnings) hasn't worked very well for me. My DH tries it more than I do though, so it could be that she is more willing to 'act out' or whatever for him than me because she only sees him in the evenings. We do notice that unless she is dead tired she gets wild when he comes home.

I really like the "don't get angry, get zen" though hehe. I might have to use that!

[Katie T]

Staying calm is a huge help in dealing with my children. If they see I am upset/stressed they feed off of it.

We do the time out like Jo Frost as it is very gentle, they are making the choice to listen or go to time out and it is effective. You have to be 100% consistent for any technique to work. (not saying you aren't my any means but it is hard at times to be 100% consistent).

Hope you find something that works for your family.