Waiting for TTC until partner is ready?

[BettinaAuSucre]

So my partner and i are going to TTC next MAY 2011!!! i am so excited but the reason we are waiting is because he doesn't feel ready right now and because we are trying to save up money for maternity care and bills.

Has anyone ever waited to TTC until your partner felt ready?

[Ola_]

I did wait, although I can't tell you the results cause it was a fairly recent development. To me, it's such a large change/decision that I wanted DH to be all on board and not resenting me for making the decision for him or pressuring him. I think it was the right choice for us, plus it helped us to work on our communication a bit which I think will be useful with a little one around and us being stressed/tired/overwhelmed.

[Baby_Cakes]

I'm there right now!!!
OMG! Thank you for starting this thread!! You and I will be BFF's, lol!

I'm so frustrated and I'm disappointed most of the time. I'm a little resentful and I feel like I always have babies on the brain. I am so ready for #2, but he is a little slower to come around.

The hardest part for me is that I feel like I pushed him for #1, and though he loves DD and is an awesome father, I don't want to go through what I went through again. I have some guilt over it. I mean, he was ready and willing and we were perfectly honest w/each other and purposely TTC'ed. But he wasn't the hands on father-to-be and I had to prompt him to rub my belly -- it might not even be related, it might just be the way he is, but still. It stung and I feel like he might have harbored resentment toward me b/c it happened so fast (we were successful our first try).

I just wish he would be/could be excited to ttc. I see men on TV and in movies excited about it and wonder if that's even real. I just want him to want another, so I'm willing to put my wants aside (for a little while) and see what happens.

But I told him I'm not waiting forever. We're going to TTC next summer if we don't get pg by accident before then. We talk openly about everything, and I understand his POV. He understands mine. He just wants more time one on one with DD, in addition to a few other things. But that doesn't make it any easier for me!!

[M.Q.]

Right there with you.

I want to strangle DH a lot of times. I have told him point blank that I will wait no longer than Jan 2011 to TTC. That has everything to do with the time it could take to actually get pg and NOT being willing to give birth after I'm 35 for fear of being 'risked' out of a midwife practice for 'advanced maternal age'.

I can only hope that the day comes when he stops worrying about money (his chief concern, which drives me bananas) and be on board with having a family.
-MQ

[Baby_Cakes]

I worry about that too. I worry that we got lucky the first time we TTC because we got it on the first try. I think he thinks that it's going to be that "easy" every time, and that when we decide to go for it, it automatically means a bfp and a new baby in 9 mos. But what if it takes a few months (or longer) once we start?? I don't want to even think about that. We want a big family (at least 3) so it kinda bugs me that he doesn't give that any thought...

[justKate]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes

I worry about that too. I worry that we got lucky the first time we TTC because we got it on the first try. I think he thinks that it's going to be that "easy" every time, and that when we decide to go for it, it automatically means a bfp and a new baby in 9 mos. But what if it takes a few months (or longer) once we start?? I don't want to even think about that. We want a big family (at least 3) so it kinda bugs me that he doesn't give that any thought...

I think about this stuff too, and have the same concerns w/DH. We were pg 2 months after I went off Depo. Huz wants to wait until DD (15 mos.) is school-aged so that we're only paying for childcare for one at a time. I don't really like the idea of having children 4+ years apart, but the majority of our debt is my school debt, so I don't feel like it's fair for me to push too much because we have the equivalent of a mortgage going out each month on "my" stuff already.

Although I'm 29 now, I also worry about being "risked out" of a post-age 35 VBAC due to complications during my last pregnancy. Ugh. My plan is to revisit the issue with Huz a year from now. Things do change with time.

[lyterae]

I'm there.. our first was a surprise, DH did not want children yet. For our next one I want him to be just as excited as I am. I want him to be totally on board.. At this point he is mentally ready for another child, we are just holding off until we are more financially ready.

[Neuromancer]

I understand where you all are and definitely sympthize.

First WE were waiting to feel ready ...then, for a while, we were waiting for HIM to feel ready. I definitely got there first. Now, he's feeling better about having our first child, but I'm the one who wants to get a couple of doctor's visits in before we throw caution to the winds. But I'm officially off my BCP, so we'll be avoiding for a month or two, then...?

[pinkgeek]

Yep, I'm definitely in the same place. The Wanting But Waiting group is full of us

I am ready, he's not yet. Then again, I've been off the pill since last summer and we've stopped using condoms and are using withdrawal as our only contraception. Even though it's like ~75% (or more?) effective, I keep hoping for an oops.

[Sammerson0814]

Pinkgeek, thats me too. But im torn becuase, how can you have an oops if your charting? lol That is a real oops, and it makes me feel guilty for wanting one.

[pinkgeek]

I'm not charting, so that isn't really an issue for me. I also like Mae's idea in this thread Maybe that would help take the guilt off of you if you explain the situation and put the responsibility on him.

[Baby_Cakes]

^My only problem w/that method is that in my situation, DH would choose to prevent every time! I wouldn't get ANYWHERE that way. I know how it feels when I've got 3 temps confirming O and he *still* won't take the chance -- so if I leave it entirely up to him, I know I'll just end up even more hurt.

The thing is, I want him to want it. I don't want to trap my husband or trick him. I want him to open his heart and mind to having another baby. Getting pg isn't going to do that, on purpose or by accident. Or accidentally on purpose, if that makes sense.

[pinkgeek]

I totally understand. I can't tell you how many people used to tell me "just take a pin to the condom." I was like WTF? I don't want to trick him, and I do want him to want it.

It sounds like your situation is a little different than the ladies in that other thread. I really hope that your DH comes around and that you guys are in the same place soon. Then you can really enjoy the time TTC. In the meantime, giving him this time to really get to know your DD may be a good thing. Maybe spending more time with her now will actually help his involvement when you are pregnant with #2.

I have to admit that I'm actually a little envious of you since you have a date/time period set to start trying if it doesn't happen before then. Sometimes I feel like I'm kidding myself that DH will come around and say "let's try".

[Sammerson0814]

That is my situation too. i know, even after the wedding, my SO wont be like, Hey, lets make a baby!!! I dont want to trick him, or anything like that. But with his personality, only ultimatums or a nicer way to put it, a this or that situation is what moves him to do something. "The alarm is going off, I get out of bed or I am late for work." Whereas I am, "get up an hour early and no need to rush". I want him to be just as excited as I am, but part of me knows an oops or accidentally on purpose is the only way, in the near future, we are going to have a baby. And then I kick myself for wanting one now. Why now. Why is it so strong before we are even married. im only 24, but when i say that I cringe. 24!!!! I dont want to rush anyhting and regret it, but I know I would never regret having a baby.

Sorry for the rambling and thanks for listening. This is the best thread yet. .

[akind1]

Only 24!!! I know, when I was there (I am 28 now) I was like, my mom was DONE having kids by this age; her last was born when she was 25. (she had her first, me, at 17) but then, my Gran had her first at 24, and her 5th sometime in her 30s.

I think DH may be more ready than I am to have the next one . . .DS is 6 months old, but after a day like yesterday (a really bad teething day, and DS has had less than a handful of really bad days) he might be reconsidering! Neither of us really wants to TTC; we did that actively for 2 years trying to get pregnant with DS. I am really wanting an Oops! sort of pregnancy for #2 . . .but I don't know if it is possible when you are sort of charting. (CM only, no temps)

[Sammerson0814]

Originally Posted by M.Q.

Right there with you.

I want to strangle DH a lot of times. I have told him point blank that I will wait no longer than Jan 2011 to TTC.

Originally Posted by M.Q.

Right there with you.

I want to strangle DH a lot of times. I have told him point blank that I will wait no longer than Jan 2011 to TTC.

Do you ever fel bad for giving your DH a firm date? I still cant even get mine to propose after almost 3 yrs of living together. Another issue... anyway.... why are they so thick headed. And whya re we ready so much ssoner than they are.

Another question... any of you have an oops before being married. I know this is kind of personal. But I am wondering. What the heck is the difference. Piece of paper saying your glued to me for life or no piece of paper, its all the same right? We aren't getting any younger here people!!!!!!!

Thanks again!!!

[justKate]

Originally Posted by Sammerson0814

Do you ever fel bad for giving your DH a firm date? I still cant even get mine to propose after almost 3 yrs of living together. Another issue... anyway.... why are they so thick headed. And whya re we ready so much ssoner than they are.

Another question... any of you have an oops before being married. I know this is kind of personal. But I am wondering. What the heck is the difference. Piece of paper saying your glued to me for life or no piece of paper, its all the same right? We aren't getting any younger here people!!!!!!!

Thanks again!!!

No oops, but I did give an ultimatium on marriage. I wanted to get married, and needed to know whether he was in this "for real" or not. There were also practical reasons--he was going away for 6 mos (military), i was about to finish law school and needed to know where to take the Bar exam.... But mostly, I had just decided that I wasn't going to sit around and wait for him to figure it out. IMO, at 25, if you've spent a year living with a person and you still don't know whether you want to marry them, then you probably don't. I was ready to cut my losses and move on if he wasn't as invested in the relationship as i was. He agreed and we married 5 years ago.

Of course if you're not ready to cut your losses if you get an adverse reaction, then this probably wouldn't work for you! I was coming from a place where I was still protecting myself emotionally after a lot of hurt from the past. YMMV.

I think we're biologically just ready before men. Assuming my fertility mirrors my mother's (13-43ish years of age), I'm about 1/3 through my fertile years. Huz would be about 2/7 through his (obviously based on a bunch of assumptions). I think some aspects of our brains are more primitive than we let ourselves believe.

[Sammerson0814]

justkate, thank you for the advice. I just want everything to work out. I dont want to be with anyone else, but im getting a little impatient. Part of me thinks an oops will acutally move him along. What scares me is he is ok with having kids, or would be an oops, but cant propose. Something isnt making sense to me. Oh well, i will give it time. Because talking about these subjects with him is like pulling teeth.

thanks again.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by Sammerson0814

Another question... any of you have an oops before being married. I know this is kind of personal. But I am wondering. What the heck is the difference. Piece of paper saying your glued to me for life or no piece of paper, its all the same right? We aren't getting any younger here people!!!!!!!

Thanks again!!!

Yes. We had been together since spring 2001. We got engaged Christmas 2002. Got pregnant in January 2003. Found out in February. He wanted to get married RIGHT THEN (because, ya know, his family was pressuring because they didn't want extended family like grandparents to know we were having sex before marriage ). I refused to play into that game. Did not get married. Moved into an apartment together in September 2003. DS was born October 3rd. DS and I moved out of apartment Thanksgiving weekend 2003.

Yeah, didn't last long He wasn't ready to grow up, I wasn't willing to risk my child's health and safety waiting for ex to grow up. Ex has not been much of a part of ds's life, ever. He sees him for an hour here and there a couple times a year (supervised by me) and that's about it. He's now married and just had another baby last summer or fall. From what I hear he still hasn't grown up and his new wife is po'd because ex won't help her with the baby

But obviously there were other issues in our relationship and having a baby was the tip of that iceburg And the funny thing is that ex's grandparents (the ones everyone was trying to hide the premarital sex from) are the most supportive and caring people from ex's side of ds's family. DS doesn't really see any of them (his bio-dad, aunt, grandparents). But DS's great grandparents are always asking how he's doing, we email and facebook, I send them pictures, they send ds gifts and cards for every holiday. Actually when we pass through their home state tomorrow on our way to florida for vacation we will stop for lunch with them

Now in my current relationship.... we've been living together for almost 3 years. We've been engaged since New Years Day 2009. We will not be having a baby before we're married. And we won't be getting married for another 2 years We use birth control and condoms (every time and no pin pricks ) so our chances of an "oops" are pretty slim. Our reasons for waiting don't really have anything to do with not wanting a baby before marriage, but rather that I really want to get through school first. I have 3 years left of school. We'll get married in 2 years and then probably try for a baby after I'm through school. I want to be a SAHM for at least the first year of baby's life (preferably until the kid is in kindergarten but I don't think that'll happen!) but I want to have the knowledge that I *could* get a job should we decide I needed to go back to work. So I want my degree (teaching, special education) before we have a baby.

But man is that urge to have a baby soooo strong right now! I scare myself with how strong that urge is and I have to keep telling myself that good things are worth the wait I've been having dreams constantly about babies (about 80% of the time they are about twins too.... really freaking me out). Just gotta keep reminding myself that it's been almost 7 years since I had my son.... what's another 3 gonna hurt? (the fact I'm still young---26-- helps too. I do want to be done having kids by 30 if I can).