What do you think? Esp Parents of Older Teens /young adults?

[CerridwenLorelei]

Dh and I disagree on something regarding my son
( complicated relationship he is the only father ds has ever known and will acknowledge though they are not biological)

he will be 17 on the 19. He just recently this past 8 months got involved with our teen group in the hs group. After being a wallflower for several years. He had a lot of damage and trust issues from "peers' ( yeah being chased with a knife will do that to ya'_)

I say this is his last year before he is the societal age of being an adult and he should be a teen to his fullest. Of course at his age I was married/moved away and working. Live it up enjoy not having to be tied to things as he will soon-this does not mean he has no responsibilities he still has plenty.
But I mean the going out with the teen functions/out with friends.
He still doesn't drive yet, so we often take him or find carpools.


dh says it is time to buckle down and be a man and start acting like the adult he will be ( at 17??? Umm hello!! TEEN is the last part of that word)
And of course at 17 dh was graduated and working and living on his own.

of course the answer I am not looking at probably lies at somewhere between the two ....
but I doubt I could ever get dh to see it that way

[Aura_Kitten]

well... i'm not the parent of a teen, but i *was* a teen quite recently... a shy, introverted teen who graduated at 17 w/ a 4.33 GPA... and 6 months pregnant.

i *still* don't have a car, or my license ~ we can't afford them.

i don't agree with parents who just shove their teens out into the world at 18. they should leave home when they're ready to deal with the outside world (within reason, of course). because of issues w/ my mom and her boyfriend, i got kicked out right when i turned 18, when i was still 8 1/2 months pregnant and had no job, no license (they never taught me how to drive), and no money. i also had no idea how to raise a family or take care of a home... but i learned pretty fast.

i guess what i'm saying is that your dh shouldn't worry too much about ages... *everyone is different.* let him grow up on his own time... maybe eventually he'll end up being more responsible than most of his peers. i am now, anyway, and i took awhile to fully "blossom."

i don't know if any of that helps you. just a perspective.

[CerridwenLorelei]

thank you !

I may make dh read that !!

[Jane]

Well, where do you want him to be in 5 years?
Or, where does he want to be in 5 years?
He should be 1/10 of the way to doing that...(time to do better later)
If he's going to college
If he's going into a trade as a learner
If he's hitting the ground directly into a job
If he's gonna do a combo of the two (say part time school and a part time job)

If he's going to college, his only job is to maintain his grades wherever they need to be, or his sports where they need to be. No need to limit goofing off, he's 4+ years from a "Real Job"
If he's going to apprentice, he needs to practice the skills to not piss off his trainer. He should start practicing learning in a not-school kind of way (or do you homeschool?)...
If he's going into a long term occupation, I would suggest he get a practice job now
My dad did something similar to me. He started trying to push me out of the nest at 15, but also fully expected me to be dependant on him though college. Mom just explained it to him and me as a depression-era remnent. I may look like an adult, but he had to think of what he really expected of me, not what he'd expect from someone who LOOKED like I did.

[CerridwenLorelei]

yes we homeschool

though he still has some ps traits here and there ...

[Jane]

Well, in my limited experiences, home-schoolers tend to be better as some things and worse at others. Now, I'll temper my statement by giving my age: almost 27. So the homeschoolers I went to school and entered the work force with were the leading edge of homeschoolers around here. Their parents may not represent you, 10 years off my track.

They were very good at getting stuff done. Motivation, planning, tracking. Give a problem, they get a solution without having to be babysat through the process. They work well with adults.

These kids, however, did not work well with their peers. A couple were just really unprepared to move through masses of people. They got too friendly because they did not do that acqaintence-at-work-thing very well. They got pegged as weird. Only lasted a few years, though. After, say, age 22, the homeschoolers didn't stick out like they did before.
Boy, that went off-topic. I guess I'm trying to say, he'll be well prepared for adult stuff if you homeschool, well prepared for kid stuff from PS. Both things might be the best of both worlds.
I've thought about it all today, and I think as long as he has a future plan to buckle down at a job or a career or a school, I'd let him goof off. If he's planning on having a delayed adolesense and living with you until 35, and sailing though life because he's golden, you should look into easing him into responsibility.
Just my 4 cents.

[Aura_Kitten]

he'll be well prepared for adult stuff if you homeschool, well prepared for kid stuff from PS.

... i'd rather prepare my kid to live as an adult. just my 2 cents.

[Jane]

Originally posted by klothos
... i'd rather prepare my kid to live as an adult. just my 2 cents.

Nice clip. Did you read the rest of what I wrote about positives and negatives and the adjustment period I implied, or did you just take out the part that made your point?

I'm back. To apologize to caldroncutie for taking her thread OT, and to klothos for snipping at her for the horrible crime of reminding me of someone else who is irritating me now.

[Aura_Kitten]

of course not, Apricot, because i don't ever read entire posts. :

[Red]

I do think a compromise is in order.

We are having the same arguement here, except I feel that if the kids want cars and class rings and year books and the other things they want, that they'll need jobs. Dh says we should buy them (we can't possibly do what he wants, financially)

I'm just setting the limits without too much disscussion. Drivers ed, we'll pay for, and ins. But not a car. They're welcome to use mine( and do my grocery shopping etc! ) I think they'll appreciate it a lot more if they pay for it. I made my older two pay for drivers ed, but Dh didn't notice.

As a side note, their school system is spectacular. Trips to Quebec, Japan, lots of sport, lots of field trips, lots of money.

Dh feels a job is too much. I think they need a clue. Sound familiar?

[grisandole]

My dh and I will be where you're at in a few years I agree with Red, and compromising. Personally, I think at 17, a teen should have some responsibilities, yet not have to be independent. As far as outings and fun stuff, of course, go live it up! But, if the teen expects you to fund all of it, and buy a car so they can go out, etc, I'd say no way. I'd meet them halfway, like paying for car insurance, but not a new car, they can use mine. If they want to do things that I don't have the money for, they can earn it. If finding a "real" job isn't feasable, then they can earn it by doing extra chores or babysitting.


My dh thinks that we HAVE to pay for all of our kids to go to college, and I'm sorta with him on that, but I think that we only "have" to pay for certain schools, like the state college. I feel that I don't have to go into debt to pay for my child to go to a private college. If they want to, fine, they can get grants/loans/or work for it. I don't agree that private college is an entitlelment for our kids. I feel strongly that if they want extra "stuff" they need to get a job to pay for it. Of couse, we provide all the basics, and some extras, but if they want designer clothes and a new car, they can work for it. Some responsibility is a good thing.

I don't agree with booting them out when they are 18, or controlling their career choices.........like, telling them that they need to go to college, rather than work at the auto shop, and if they want to live in my house, they need to go to college. That is ridiculous, yet I know lots of parents who do that.

Sorry to go off.........

Kristi

[CerridwenLorelei]

Thanks

no problem Gd you didn't go off at all
Class rings likely won't be a problem since we homeschool
I am not sure about driver's ed as I am STILL waiting on the state packet to arrive....
And he works around here to earn some extra $$

[barbara]

To be honest I think that teenagers should be treated as individuals. They don't all develop the same skills at the same time anymore than babies learn to talk, walk, or wean at the same time.

We have 3 grown children and 2 teens, all of which we homeschooled. They are all different. One son was very into sports, very social and did a lot of group activities. He had a part time job and played in a band, but didn't get his drivers license until 18. The other son was also in a band but was not very social until college. He did have a part time job, and worte for an online sports mag. Our dd was very social and our house was always filled with her friends. Our current teens are particular about friends but do like to spend time with them. The older one is pretty responsible, got her license at 16 and has a job/internship at the equestrian stable. We try to let her have a little more freedom socially because she works so hard and has so little time for social activities. Teens are all so very different that I don't believe you can have a blanket way of treating them.

I think the "good ol' teenage years" are kind of over-rated and are more of a nostilga thing for adults then they are for kids. Most teens I've known have wanted to grow up and have found the teen years to be kind of stressful. The ones that party through the teen years seem to be the ones that don't seriously take responsibility for their college education, and/or careers until well into their 20's. It seems like kids are maturing later and later with successive generations. : Just something I've noticed and pondered.