Drop off playdates...clue me in please

[Phoebe]

I have 3 boys (6, 3.5, 1, and #4 on the way). My oldest was in kinder this year. Up until thus point we have found friends something like this way:
I converse w/mom at swim class and we get along as do are kids. We say hey, let's meet up this week to play. We meet, me and mom visit, kids play. I make a friend, kids make a friend. The ages of the kids vary and the all play together pretty much. Well, my oldest has been invited to play by a kid in his class who lives around the corner. It seems that it may be a drop off deal. I have met mom breifly before, seems like a nice family. It's not a problem but I'm having a hard time adjusting to the idea of us not moving as a pack. My 3 year old does not differentiate himself from his brother and the other older kids as far as age goes. He is very sociable and has am excellent vocabulary. He is bummed that his bro is gone 1/2 day at school and I'll feel sad for him to be left out.
Also, ds1 had his bday party recently and I was taken by surprise how many kids (pretty much all) did the drop off. It just never never occured to me.
Is it just me? I just kind of feel a bit weird about this. I don't want to split the pack up!
Maybe I just need to grow up and, gulp...let go.

[LuckyMommaToo]

I think it's really wonderful that your boys have such a bond, and I can understand why you'd hesitate to "break them up." But yes, as a momma of a kindergartener, drop-off playdates are totally the norm.

And that isn't to say that I don't enjoy the other parents. But we tend to invite families over for weekend activities (a bbq or whatever). During the week it's strictly drop-off. I think the reality is that if you're sending your kids to school, they are going to develop their own relationships. I see that as a good and important thing.

-e

[MJB]

My kids are in pre-K and 1st; all playdates are drop-off unless the moms *want* to socialize. My boys (7 and 4) are best friends, but they have other friends, too. My younger son is starting all-day kindergarten in the fall so he probably won't have as many playdates (right now, most of his playdates are after preschool when his brother is still at school).
This is my 1st grader's first year in school (homeschooled for preschool and K) but he's been doing drop-off playdates for a couple years.

[StephandOwen]

That's not the norm *here*, for our family. But that's also because ds has special needs and I trust very few people to keep as good an eye on him as they would need to (he's a runner and will randomly escape from a house/yard/etc and just run without warning. He has no concept of safety/danger so has no problem with running into roads either). DS has a couple friends (twin brothers) at his school (all 3 were in the same class last year, this year one is in his class and the other is not- the one who is not also has autism). We meet them at the park sometimes or, we just realized they live a few blocks from us, so walk to their house to play outside. Tomorrow they will come over to our house to swim in our little pop up pool. Their mom will join and stay the whole time, just like I stay when ds goes to her house.

[peaceful_mama]

gulp! yeah. DS just had his first b-day party by himself a couple weeks ago.

I have actually been sort of 'encouraging' his friendship with this boy with a little 'separation' from DD though. They live right by us, this boy has a Wii. DS enjoys playing it. DD would likely fight for a turn and there are only 2 controllers. And she is not really old enough to know what she is doing with it yet...and she can be 'dramatic' when she doesn't get her way. So I made a rule that when they go to his house to play Wii, that is his time with his friend.

I figure this will happen--a boy and a girl, they're going to be more likely to have separate interests and want to do things without the other than maybe brothers or sisters would. (and I do think some relationships that are 'just yours' without your sib are a healthy thing.)

[Drummer's Wife]

Besides a couple birthday parties, my 7 yo DS just started having playdates (w/o me). My 9 yo has for a couple years; my 5 and 3 yo's - I'm not (and they're not) ready to do either b-day parties or playdates w/o me or DH.

Anyhow, if you don't feel comfy, you don't feel comfy.

I wouldn't dream, though, of inviting my younger DS's or myself to a get together if it was specified as a drop-off event. My older two kids are going to a friend's pool party next week, and as much as my 5 yo would enjoy it, I'm not going to ask if he can stay - b/c that would mean myself and the 3 yo, too, and TBH I'd prefer to do something else then.


Anyhow the reason my older two kids go together at times (definitely not all the time), is b/c they are in the same 6-9 class - so they happen to share friends/classmates, not b/c I don't want to separate them. They actually enjoy doing their own thing, with friends, from time to time.

[emaye_to_2]

Well age-wise I have noticed that still in kindergarten around here all parents attend birthdays. However, now in first grade it is OK to drop the kids off (it is also usually OK if parents want to stay too).

As for play dates, my DD is four and she goes over to her friend's houses for play dates for a couple hours tops.

[Happeesupermom]

If you don't feel comfortable about it, you don't HAVE to send him alone. You actually have a couple of options.

You could ask the other mom if she'd like another chaperone. Or, if it is strictly a drop-off event and you're not ready for that, suggest another time when the little friend can come over to your house to play.

Personally, I don't leave my young ones alone in someone else's house UNLESS 1) it's a family member, OR 2) I REALLY, REALLY know the other family and am sure the Mom would keep a close enough eye on ALL the kids, AND 3) I don't have a "gut feeling" otherwise. I usually just invite the kids to come to our house sometime.

HTH! We're Mothers... and we have Natural Mothering Instincts for a reason. Do only what you feel comfortable with, and don't worry about what other moms think about that.

[One_Girl]

Once kids enter school drop off play dates become the norm and most parents stay away from the ones who won't do drop off play dates. I held off until this year but am now fine with them. My dd will tell me if something happens that she doesn't like. I think that you should ask your oldest what he thinks about drop off play dates. He may be ready to branch out and meet other people. Being with your sibling only all the time is stifling and may or may not be something he truly enjoys to the same extent that you enjoy having them stay all together.

[EyesOfTheWorld]

It's really interesting to me that so many of you have drop-offs as the norm! My daughter is in K and all playdates/ birthday parties so far have found the parents hanging around chatting, not necessarily by design, but it's worked out that way. It's been nice getting to know the other parents. I don't see anything wrong with drop-offs however if all parties involved are comfortable with the idea.

Maybe bring him by and see if you can't get a chat started with the other mom when you bring him to the door? That way you can assess the situation and see if you feel comfortable going or asking if it's okay to stay. Good luck

[serenbat]

unless you are invited-I would not think of staying

I would never bring a sibling unless they were invited ahead of time-I think that is simply rude to force on a host.

drop-off goes for parties, as well as organized functions (ex. brownies, GS, etc)

[choli]

Yes, it's the norm.

When I was a child with younger siblings, I was very glad to have a chance to play with other children my own age without having to include the younger children.

[Peony]

We do both drop off and mom hangs out playdates depending on the family. I only hang around if they are friends of mine which does happen often, but otherwise I drop off DD1 or the child comes over here. You have a similar spacing as my kiddos, oldest is 7, youngest is 1, and there are times where I have to keep my middle child away. Friends of DD1's might not have younger siblings and some don't mind DD2 tagging along when they are over here but others do. DD2 and DD2 do play when they are home together but it isn't fair to make DD1 and her friends always include a 3y in their games. DD2 does not go over to DD1's friend's houses unless there is a sibling there that she is also friends with. It can be difficult, she doesn't always like being left out but such is life as a sibling!

[DariusMom]

Where I live, it's definitely the norm. I've noticed from these sorts of threads, though, that what is the norm can vary widely from area to area and even from larger social group to social group.

So where I live (outside the US), drop off playdates and birthday parties are pretty much the norm from age 4+, which is probably because that's when kids start school.

I was back in the US for my niece's 5th birthday party recently (she'll start kindergarten in the Fall), and there it was about 50/50 drop off and parents staying.

I do think, though, that barring special needs or other real problems, it would be a bit odd to hang out at a playdate (unless you know and really like the other parents) or a birthday party for a kid beyond first grade.

[annethcz]

I saw that you also posted this in the HSing forum. I used to homeschool, but my kids now attend a charter school. I think that drop off vs. family playdates have more to do with the AGE of the children than anything else. Also, how closely the families know each other.

We do both kinds of playdates, probably more family playdates than individual playdates. But I don't have a problem with individual playdates- in fact I think it's important that my children are able to develop close friendships without their siblings tagging along EVERY time.

[zinemama]

It's totally the norm.

I can imagine how frustrated my son would have been at that age, to be invited to a peer's house and then have his little brother tagging along, interfering. He was thrilled when he started going on drop-off playdates. It gave him a chance to play with an age-mate, away from the toddler who was always destroying his lego creations and such.

My toddler might not have wanted to "differentiate himself" from his brother, but the feeling was not mutual.

[phathui5]

If he wants to go, I would let him go for it.

[Alison's Mom]

My kids have serious food allergies, so it's a different story leaving them when there are diet restrictions and epipens, etc. If it weren't for this, I would be OK leaving them with families that I knew well and trusted if my child was also OK being left there. We have had a few kids over here on their own, and it's been fine. I think age 4-5 would be an appropriate age to start doing this as long as the child is comfortable with the playdate hosts.

I was surprised, though, that we had arranged a playdate with a family where I know the dad fairly well, but the mom and kids not that well, and the mom asked if she should stay or leave, and I'm thinking 'your 3yo barely knows me; I have no idea what his eating or toileting habits are, and you would feel comfortable leaving him at my house for 2 hours?'

[lnitti]

We don't do many play dates, but dd1 has gone to some birthday parties. She in in Kindergarten now. I don't remember ever dropping her off younger than 5. However, I also have a younger dd too. Some of the parties are at places where I can do something also with dd2, and some are not. That pretty much determines if it is drop off or not for us.

When the location of the party is such that I can do something with dd2 while being close by, then I guess it is kinda drop off, and kinda not. I mean for example, dd1 when to a party at the zoo (I think dd was 4). The building the party room was in had some exhibits. I mostly stayed out of the party room while dd2 fooled around with the exhibits and stuff. I did not leave the building. IMO, she had the independence of being dropped off, but I was still there if she really needed me. She went to a birthday party at a local place that does inflatables (you know that you jump on) just recently, I stayed because dd2 loves the inflatables too. So while dd1 went to the party room and did party stuff, dd2 just stayed with the inflatables. We were there, but not participating in the party.

When the location of the part was at a local gymnastics class, I did mention to the mom when I RSVP'd that I also had a 2 year old and did not know if I needed to stay or drop her off, she told me to stay and the 2 year old could participate too. That was very nice of her. We didn't eat any of the food, just played on the gymnastics equipment with the other kids.

She had another party at a community center for a local apartment complex. We did not stay for that one. We spent about 1/2 the time with dd2 playing on the playground outside the building, and 1/2 the time with a quick trip to the grocery store.

She had another party at a movie theater. The theater is in the mall. I had thought about taking dd2 shopping in the mall while the party was going on (so that would have been drop off). However, she had never been to a movie theater movie and is very sensitive to loud noises. I did not know how she would be. So I asked my DH to watch dd2 so I could stay at the party. I did not think it was ok to bring dd2 as she was not the one invited. They watched Tooth Fairy, and she was just fine.

All the parties have been a mix of drop-offs and parents who stayed. The one when she was 4 was probably about 1/2 and 1/2. The other were mostly drop-offs.

We recently invited dd1's friend over to play. She is a twin. I told the mom that they could both come. She said they are old enough now they have their own separate friends and don't always have to go places together. I was however surprised that she dropped her dd off and did not want to stay. Although 1 less kid was probably a nice break for her as she has 2 sets of twins. I am not quite sure how I feel about dropping off dd at someone's house and especially if it is not a large gathering like a party. All the parties I have dropped her off for were never at a home. But I suppose if she were invited and dd2 was not, I really don't have any choice since I can't also bring dd2. Can't leave her at home alone or in the car - LOL!

dd2 has food allergies. I don't know when I will ever feel comfortable dropping her off. Maybe when she is 10 - LOL!

[MsBirdie]

I think it just depends on how you feel. Bday parties that are at public locations are still frequented by the parents, even though DD is 8. They usually make sure one parent stays home with the siblings and the other goes. Most house parties and playdates are drop off; unless the moms really get along and want to hang out. At 2nd grade I still see 50/50 and no one seems to judge. It is all in what you are comfortable with. DD has done a sleepover with one friend, but I have known her mom for years and she is my DDs troop leader. I take situation by situation. However, my decision is not based on siblings being seperated.