WWYD? Cousin is a "bully" - Page 2

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I would just try to avoid this little boy for a while unless it's a special family get together. I wouldn't even have a problem saying "My son needs a break from your son... he's still recovering from the last visit".

I have a friend who had to do this and the family's response was "how could you be so mean about dn??"

So just a heads up, don't put up with any guilt tripping attempts. Their kid could've really hurt your son and they did nothing, they can withstand having their feelings hurt.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think it odd that so many people jumped to the conclusion that he has special needs. All of his behavoir can be explained by poor parenting.

It could be, but the following struck me as worthy of an evaluation, at least:

Originally Posted by MommaKitten21

My nephew, for being 3 1/2 is way behind on the learning curve as well. He doesn't talk all that well, and he definitely has a very, very hard time conveying his thoughts to others.

<snip> However, I believe my nephew has so many "strikes" against him due to his environment, the neglect at home, the lack of guidance from any adult figure, and being raised by a grandparent that I just don't feel him hanging around my son is something I want. I have slowly seen the behaviors escalating, and I guess that's where my concern is.

The poor child is not developing typically. Whether or not it's due to an underlying cause or poor parenting is something we can't know. But if he is evaluated, then maybe the whole family can get help. Clearly grandma is overwhelmed and mom is not stable. That's not a great situation for any child. Head Start requires some parental participation, and it might be a good place for the family to start.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

One of my nieces is a bully to my special needs DD. She excludes her from play and tells the other cousins not to talk to her.
I haven't seen in her (or her mother, father or sibs) for nearly two years.

I don't miss them.

That's horrible and mean-spirited! How sad for the parents to have a daughter like that and I am guessing they don't think anything is wrong with her behavior. Sounds like you and your DD are better off without them.

[gbailey]

OP, I am sorry for what your son had to go through with his cousin. I think the decision to no longer allow your son to play with him is the best thing to do. I think the issues he is having is horribly sad especially since no one has had him evaluated to see what if anything is wrong.

While hitting, snatching toys, etc may be considered "normal" behavior for that age, slamming another child's head into a wall is not! I'd be mortified if my DD did this to another child.

I also would have said something had my nephew or any other child done this. It's not my responsibility to discipline children that are not mine but it's not okay for this kind of behavior to happen to your child and no one say anything. It's unfortunate what your nephew is going through. I would be honest and let your mom and sister know how you feel. If you just make excuses for not coming over or not having playdates then they will know something is up. I can't imagine a parent not understanding you not wanting your child to play with a cousin who slammed his head against the wall.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

It could be, but the following struck me as worthy of an evaluation, at least:


The poor child is not developing typically. Whether or not it's due to an underlying cause or poor parenting is something we can't know. But if he is evaluated, then maybe the whole family can get help. Clearly grandma is overwhelmed and mom is not stable. That's not a great situation for any child. Head Start requires some parental participation, and it might be a good place for the family to start.

I can see why this:

Originally Posted by MommaKitten21

My nephew, for being 3 1/2 is way behind on the learning curve as well. He doesn't talk all that well, and he definitely has a very, very hard time conveying his thoughts to others.

would make you think about SN.

However, this part:

Originally Posted by MommaKitten21

He even yells "no!" and other phrases at my son (like: "No! You cant play in my sandbox!")

and this:

Then comes running over to my mom and says I pushed him! He was proud over it.

are contradictory to the assertion that the child is verbally delayed. These are two examples of the child using gramatically correct complete sentences.

Of course I'm not saying that having developmentally normal speech eliminates the possibilty of SN, but since the concern over SN seems to be based on people thinking there were speech delays from the second post, the evidence for no speech delay is significant.

It really sounds like much more of a disipline issue, considering the way grandma responded to the incident. This situation has got to be hard on the grandma. She was probably looking forward to just enjoying her grandkids without having to act as the disciplinarian anymore, but b/c her other daughter isn't up to being a mom grandma is stuck acting more like a mom than a grandma. What grandparent doesn't want to spoil their grandkid? I think she could probably really use a hand with the discipline stuff.

[mamadebug]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think it odd that so many people jumped to the conclusion that he has special needs. All of his behavoir can be explained by poor parenting.

I have a child with sensory issues and nothing in the posts screamed "sensory stuff" to me.

I think the child needs someone to really spend time with him every day and teach him how to behave. An eval or therapy can't fix that.

Because his mom is an alcoholic I am assuming the people thinking he may have special needs are thinking he may have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Some of the behaviors exhibited by children with FAS are poor social skills (to an extreme), learning delays, poor impulse control, etc. Of course, these can also result from poor parenting or neglect...or it could be FAS compounded by poor parenting and neglect. At any rate, I think it is a reasonable assumption to think this poor kiddo may have something more going on than just poor parenting.

OP - I don't think you are over-reacting. You need to protect your little guy. At the same time, I don't really think a 3 y.o. can be a bully. He *may* have some special needs and he clearly doesn't have good parental support. It makes sense that he is struggling. My DS was aggressive and physical as a 2y.o. and so I made sure I was right next to him when he played with other kids so I could stop him before he hurt another kid. Since your nephew's mom (or grandma) aren't doing that, it sounds like it would fall to you if you want to avoid your child being hurt.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Head Start requires some parental participation, and it might be a good place for the family to start.

I think that Head Start is a great idea. May be you could look up the information for your sister/mother and help make it happen.

Your child doesn't need to be a punching bag, but this child needs help and that's what Head Start is for. They will also monitor and see if anything is developmental off after he is receiving guidance, structure, and stimulation.

Originally Posted by gbailey

That's horrible and mean-spirited! How sad for the parents to have a daughter like that and I am guessing they don't think anything is wrong with her behavior. Sounds like you and your DD are better off without them.

The little girl's mother (my sister) once said to my dd, "I wish that you were different than you are because it would be so much more fun for the rest of us."

Truly, no one has any obligations to spend time around badly behaved children or toxic relatives.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think that Head Start is a great idea. May be you could look up the information for your sister/mother and help make it happen.

Your child doesn't need to be a punching bag, but this child needs help and that's what Head Start is for. They will also monitor and see if anything is developmental off after he is receiving guidance, structure, and stimulation.




The little girl's mother (my sister) once said to my dd, "I wish that you were different than you are because it would be so much more fun for the rest of us."

Truly, no one has any obligations to spend time around badly behaved children or toxic relatives.

I am really sorry your DD had to experience that kind of mean spirited comment especially at the hands of a relative.

I also agree with you that no one has an obligation to spend time around badly behaved children.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

The little girl's mother (my sister) once said to my dd, "I wish that you were different than you are because it would be so much more fun for the rest of us."

Truly, no one has any obligations to spend time around badly behaved children or toxic relatives.

Y'know, every time you write about your sister I see red and then calm down by reminding myself that you broke off contact long since. The truly sickening thing is your sister probably still has friends because she's capable of treating them with basic decency and they have no idea she can be so evil.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by MommaKitten21

However, I believe my nephew has so many "strikes" against him due to his environment, the neglect at home, the lack of guidance from any adult figure, and being raised by a grandparent that I just don't feel him hanging around my son is something I want.

This makes me really sad for your nephew. If you, as his aunt, don't want him around your child because of his family life, imagine how other non-related parents will feel.

I felt this my whole life. I had a similar situation. My parents were young and partied a lot. My grandparents raised me. I never did *any* of the things you mentioned. I was an honors student. TBH, I was the kid many parents want, but I still felt the sting of "but you know about her parents..." from other people.

If you need to take a break to protect your son, that's a call you have to make. At least be big enough to admit it to your family, though. Making up excuses is the easy way out, and I don't think it's going to benefit anyone. Tell your mom what's going on and accept the fall-out as it comes.

[minkin03]

I have a friend whose 5 year old acts like this. She's mean and lies about what happens. It's been going on for the past 2 years and my friend is to blame b/c she's never done anything to correct her bad behavior. She's also very disrespectful to her mom (my friend). My friend doesn't it 'see' it the way I do so instead of ruining our friendship over it I just don't let her daughter play with mine. This only works for me though b/c she lives 3 hours away. I would try saying something about how this bad behavior needs to be corrected or you won't allow them to play together anymore.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Y'know, every time you write about your sister I see red and then calm down by reminding myself that you broke off contact long since. The truly sickening thing is your sister probably still has friends because she's capable of treating them with basic decency and they have no idea she can be so evil.

thank you.

[sarahdavida]

There are already a lot of good replies here, but in response to the OP, I would say that sure, it is normal for kids to be somewhat difficult in relating to others - particularly younger relatives in their home environment...they can sometimes feel very threatened (I have a little experience with this when visiting my brother´s family - last time DS was 2 1/2 and DN was 4). However, being repeatedly physically violent to another human being should never be acceptable, regardless of the circumstances and no matter how much one might understand where it´s coming from. You certainly do not need to tolerate your son being pushed into a wall. If you are not in a position to take a major part in trying to help DN improve his interaction skills with DS (which is your choice), then it is not overreacting to limit the time they spend together...especially if you are 7 months pregnant - I would think you have a enough going on.

I don´t have professional advice or specific info. to offer, but I think the best way to handle thes types of situations is to be there in defense of your DS and try to thwart off any aggressive behavior before it happens - and just remove DS if it becomes too much. This seems to go far beyond the "try to let them work it out" theory...I know many PPs have already said something similar, but ultimately, you need to do what is best for you and your son. If he has plenty of other playmates with whom he can spend a pleasant time - even if it involves a little pushing and grabbing here and there - which is normal - I would try to focus on that.

It must be difficult because your mother is involved, but hopefully you can find a way to communicate your position gently, without too much negative reverb.

Good luck with this...