Incapable of being in a serious relationship?

[samy23]

I'm really worried this is me. I've never been in a long-term relationship. I've had several casual relationships, like we were friends (and not even that close of friends) just basic friends...we would go to the cinema, out for dinner, go for a walk, watch a dvd inside ...those types of things maybe every other week or less often than that. But we'd also make-out and sleep together.

A few of these guys have asked me to be in a serious relationship with them, but I always say no. I feel like I don't really know how to be in a relationship with a guy, what I should expect from him, what's expected of me, what do we do? etc... I feel totally clueless. Could it be low self esteem?

I've recently joined an online dating site, because Im very shy and nervous as a person, so online seems the easiest way to meet someone for me. There are 2 guys so far on the site who have been exchanging messages with me and now have asked to meet up. I know I can find the courage to meet them, but Im too afraid to because then we both might want to start a relationship...only I won't know how the heck to do that.

I haven't told any guys this, because Im too embarrassed about what they will think of me or how they will react. They'll probably think Im crazy and not worth the touble.

So what do I do? And why am I like this? Could it be my personality? -Because I am not very social, im very private and can be reclusive and isolate myself. I don't get close to people outside my family...I've just always been that way, I push everyone away. I don't know what to do I don't want to be single forever

Anyone known anyone like this? or have any advice?

[Juvysen]

what do you think is different about a "relationship" than what you had been doing already?

[Lady Mayapple]

Maybe "incapable" isn't the right word. Some people are just happier being independent. My mom has been with her boyfriend for 12 years. He gave her a ring and they are "engaged", but they are not going to get married. They don't even live together and don't want to. They are both very independent people and are comfortable with their lives as they are.

I think that our culture and society places far too much importance on being married or even living with a partner, and so many people think "Oh well everyone else is doing it, what's wrong with me?" But look at statistics, and it seems like a lot more people would be better off living on their own. Domestic violence is a huge problem, dissatisfaction with marriage is also a huge problem-what's the horrible infidelity percentage? Like 70% or something?

I guess what I'm trying to say is this-If you don't "have" to be in a serious relationship, why seek one? Don't romanticize those who are in one-Life is not all wine and roses, take it from me. Not everyone who gets married or lives with their partner is doing so 100% of their own free will. I got married at an early age and had children young-partly because I wanted to but mostly because I needed to escape a violent and abusive home situation. It was an impulsive decision but it had to be made at that time-I had no other choice. It has not been an easy road and continues to be hard. I envy other people my age who did not have to make those decisions and are free to pursue the rest of their lives. If you do decide to enter a serious, long-term relationship, make sure that it is really what you want-and don't expect it to be easy. There are a LOT of sacrifices involved, and I just want you to understand that because no one told me how hard it would be and I sure wish they would have. Good luck

[samy23]

Originally Posted by Juvysen

what do you think is different about a "relationship" than what you had been doing already?

What I have done has been very very casual. Being in a relationship would mean being committed to sharing your life with someone in a much more intense way. Like you are in contact constantly, whether by phone or seeing eachother...and I've had some experience of this when a guy got quite "attached" to me and was phoning daily....I got tired of that very fast.

In one way it was nice to think someone was thinking about me, but did we have to be in contact so much? I felt like he was invading my space and wanted to be left alone, I wouldn't even answer the phone sometimes, but that only made him call me more, it almost felt like harrassment...I know it wasn't, it was just a guy who liked me and wanted more, but for me that's how it felt.

Maybe it's the whole being together so much thing that intimidates me? I really like to be on my own a lot of the time, I like my own space probably more than most people do, like I said I sort of isolate myself sometimes...and you can't really do that when you're in a relationship as it isn't fair on the other person.

ladymayapple your mom and fiance's situation is probably something I could be more comfortable with...but it isn't what most people seem happy with. Are they both happy with that situation?

I doubt I could find a guy who would be happy with that set up...and I don't think I would either if their were children involved, which is something I want, it would be better for them if we all lived together.

[Juvysen]

Originally Posted by samy23

What I have done has been very very casual. Being in a relationship would mean being committed to sharing your life with someone in a much more intense way. Like you are in contact constantly, whether by phone or seeing eachother...and I've had some experience of this when a guy got quite "attached" to me and was phoning daily....I got tired of that very fast.

In one way it was nice to think someone was thinking about me, but did we have to be in contact so much? I felt like he was invading my space and wanted to be left alone, I wouldn't even answer the phone sometimes, but that only made him call me more, it almost felt like harrassment...I know it wasn't, it was just a guy who liked me and wanted more, but for me that's how it felt.

Maybe it's the whole being together so much thing that intimidates me? I really like to be on my own a lot of the time, I like my own space probably more than most people do, like I said I sort of isolate myself sometimes...and you can't really do that when you're in a relationship as it isn't fair on the other person.

I guess I don't feel like it *has* to be that. A relationship is what you make it - you just need to make clear to whatever partner you choose that you value your independence and space and he needs to take it slow and be willing to give you space *shrug* It's all about communication, imo. Probably what is key is finding a guy who values his space as much as you do. They're out there.

FWIW, I think there's FAR more men out there that would prefer that kind of set up than there are women.

[Lady Mayapple]

They are very happy with that setup. He has kids that are almost grown from a previous marriage, but they come in and out sometimes. My mom doesn't really want to be involved with that or their drama. Her boyfriend inherited his house from his mother when she passed away and has no intention of leaving. All of his stuff is there, including a large garage where he stores and works on his drag racing car. My mom likes having her space, and like you she gets annoyed because her BF likes to call her a lot, even after 12 years together. He smokes, she doesn't. You get the picture....I'd tell you more but my 2 year old just pooped in the wrong place LOL!!!!

[Brittany93]

Originally Posted by samy23

I'm really worried this is me. I've never been in a long-term relationship. I've had several casual relationships, like we were friends (and not even that close of friends) just basic friends...we would go to the cinema, out for dinner, go for a walk, watch a dvd inside ...those types of things maybe every other week or less often than that. But we'd also make-out and sleep together.

A few of these guys have asked me to be in a serious relationship with them, but I always say no. I feel like I don't really know how to be in a relationship with a guy, what I should expect from him, what's expected of me, what do we do? etc... I feel totally clueless. Could it be low self esteem?

I've recently joined an online dating site, because Im very shy and nervous as a person, so online seems the easiest way to meet someone for me. There are 2 guys so far on the site who have been exchanging messages with me and now have asked to meet up. I know I can find the courage to meet them, but Im too afraid to because then we both might want to start a relationship...only I won't know how the heck to do that.

I haven't told any guys this, because Im too embarrassed about what they will think of me or how they will react. They'll probably think Im crazy and not worth the touble.

So what do I do? And why am I like this? Could it be my personality? -Because I am not very social, im very private and can be reclusive and isolate myself. I don't get close to people outside my family...I've just always been that way, I push everyone away. I don't know what to do I don't want to be single forever

Anyone known anyone like this? or have any advice?

We are so very much alike in this way I won't even let myself have something casual. When I think about why I am like this I think it could have to due with past sexual abuse when I was a child, body image issues, and much of what you said. I'm not sure how to handle this.

There's also what LadyMayapple said in her first reply. Sometimes I wallow about his, but if I actually stay positive, and realize that I can be happy without someone, then good! Ideally I'd loved to have a hubby and children.

[suzywan]

How old are you? Until I was 25 I never dated anyone longer than 3 months, and it was never very serious. Then I met my husband and three months later he had moved in. 5 months after that we were engaged. He was just the right person for me. It may simply be that you haven't met the right person for you.

[alexsam]

Being in love with someone makes wanting to be with them "all the time" much more tolerable