grandparent with cancer - how to help kids understand

[alison77]

my fil has just been diagnosed with brain cancer. we haven't received all the biopsy results yet, but it's definitely malignant. fil lives abroad, so we only see him about 1x a year, but we do talk about him and other family members there often, and skype with them about once a week, so kids are familiar with him. my two sons are 4 and 7, and i want them to know about this, but i'm not sure to what extent they can understand and they should understand (vs. what may be too much for them?). does anybody have suggestions?

one more thing i wanted to add is that while we don't see them everyday, i definitely want us to go there to visit before he passes. so i guess i'm interested in others experiences of how to best do this - for everyone. in the sense that i don't want to make it too much of a burden on my in laws and family to have us there (with the craziness of two young kids), but like to think that they would want us. the other issue is that coming from a different culture, i'm not sure how to be best supporting everyone - i can talk to dh about this, too.

so i think part of the issue is that with them being far away i feel like the kids are not facing this everyday, and i don't know if i'm wrong to bring it more to them?

[Arduinna]

First thing I'd do is double check with the ILs regarding the advisability of visiting given his health status. My hemotologist advised me to stay away from all sick people and those recently vaxed when I had cancer and was having chemo. He should check with his oncologist regarding what is ok for him, if he hasn't already been advised.

I wouldn't tell a 4 and 7 year old that a family member they see once a year has brain cancer. I'd take them to visit as soon as possible before the true end stage starts, assuming that it's not curable. I'd just tell them that grandpa is sick and then let them take the lead in asking if they want more details and answer in age appropriate terminology. Something like, grandpa is really sick and the Drs are giving him medicine to help him get better. Or whatever ends up being the situation once you get the biopsy results back.

My own daughter was about the age of your older child when I was diagnosed with cancer and had chemo. But it's a different situation when it's a parent or someone you live with that has cancer, especially at those young ages. Of course your kids aren't facing this every day and they don't need to given the distance and frequency of visiting.

If there will be anything out of the ordinary when you visit, IE grandpa has a catheter inserted in his chest for instance for treatment and they need to be careful when hugging that side they should know before they get there. Also he may look very different from the last time you saw him. It might be best if you can to visit him without the kids the first time, that way you can see what things you should prepare them for and which you don't need to worry about.

From my experience, it's generally the adults that tend to make things harder for kids in this instance. At least in my family.

[MPsSweetie]

My mom has lung cancer. My dd is old enough to understand whats going on, and she asks a lot of questions, but my ds has been a little scared. Of her oxygen, her bald head, the bruising she has all over... Actually, its a bit scary for me too. My kids see my mom pretty regularly though, except for the past month when shes been gone for treatment.
I don't really have any great advice, I just try to be honest about the fact that she is sick, without scaring them with how bad it really is.

[brittneyscott]

We just found out my grandmother has cancer. I haven't said anything to my kids yet. DS is turning 3 this month and DD will be 5 in August. I know my grandfather passed away from cancer when I was about DD's age and although I remember him and that he was sick I don't remember anything else about it having been so young. For us with the kids being so little I don't plan to tell them anything except that she is sick. If DD has more questions I'll answer them. Right now we still haven't gotten all the answers as far as recovery options or if they are possible.

Personally I don't know if I'll take the kids to see her again more than once. If it was just for the kids I wouldn't at all. At their young ages I don't think one more visit would improve their memory of her except to maybe make a bad/scary one. I know they need to go though for my grandmother. She's going to want to see them. I don't know yet. We just found this out too.