Anyone parenting with a partner/spouse who is OCD?

[CI Mama]

Or suspect that he/she might be, though undiagnosed?

My DP has a lot of fears that she manages by being "hypervigilant" in a number of areas. We've been together for 17 years, so I'm used to the routines about locking doors/windows, keeping "safety gear" in the house, calling her if I'm going to be late coming home, etc. To be honest, I think that I don't really know the half of it. She manages a lot of her fears in ways that aren't apparant outside of her own head. But there are "rules" that need to be followed in order to keep the peace in our house, and I try to follow them when they're reasonable, and call her out when I think she's off the deep end. (We use a lot of humor to get through this stuff).

Unsurprisingly, this all ramped up to a new level with the arrival of DD. For awhile the fear centered around whether or not the baby was breathing. Now that DD is 20 months old, a new fear has emerged: that she will be abducted by a stranger. DP started talking about the need to vary our stroller-walking routes, especially at night. Last night I was told that DP & I cannot both be in the bathroom with the door closed while DD is sleeping 12 feet away in a room with an open window. I am starting to wonder what the next thing will be. It of course does no good to suggest that an abduction is extremely unlikely.

I don't want DD to live an overly sheltered life because of my DP's weird fears. I want to respect my DP's issues without giving them more weight than they deserve. And I want us to co-parent in a way that of course reflects our different styles, but is harmonious. Not always an easy thing to do.

Just wondering if anyone can relate to this & has stories/strategies for working through parenting together when one person has (ahem) issues. Or maybe you are OCD yourself and can offer some insight about how you & your spouse make parenting decisions?

[neetling]

I have the OCD and it really ramped up with my pregnancies. Our youngest is now 3 and it's starting to normalize for me again. My OCD tend to revolve around germs.

To be honest, my husband rolls with it as much as he can. I remember nearly having a meltdown because he put our oldest in the shopping cart seat w/o the cover. He willingly uses hand sanitizer when we are in public and we wash our hands when we get home.

If her OCD is affecting your life in such a negative manner, then I would suggest therapy and possibly meds. I didn't use either. One of my quirks was a dislike for meds while I am nursing, and I've been nursing, pregnant or both for 8 years.

So we just cope as best we can. I am willing to listen to him when he thinks I am over the line and he is willing to help me feel less anxious. To him it's not a big deal to use sanitizer or the cart cover (just as examples). I am also loosening up now that they are older.

We coslept so I could know the babies were okay. I nursed to help with immunity.

[CI Mama]

Thanks for responding so quickly. I really appreciate your willingness to share your experience.

Just to be clear, I'm not having a horrible negative time with my DP's issues. No crisis or relationship-threatening situation or anything. We've been together for a long time, so those "quirks" are in many ways my old friends.

But I do see DP getting really stressed out over things that IMO don't need to be so fraught with difficulty. For example, a nightime stroller walk shouldn't put her over the edge, but it does. She feels very vulnerable and starts to get agitated if DD doesn't fall asleep quickly enough (which of course she never does). I personally like the nightime stroller walk and find it pretty essential to our challenge of getting our toddler to sleep. So I'm trying to figure out how to be supportive of DP without abandoning something that works for me & DD. That's just the latest example.

Just looking for insights...