what should I have done differently?

[scottishmommy]

My 17 month old daughter is going through a hitting phase. She's hitting in anger, not just in an explorative way. She often knocks of my glasses which is really annoying. My mother told me to try hold her hands if she hits until she calms down. Today she was playing with my neighbor's daughter who is the same age and she hit her. So I picked her up and firmly told her not to hit and sat down with her on my lap for a "time in". She tried hitting me so I held her hands and told her that I would let go when she calmed down. I thought I was being really clever until she leaned forward and bit my hand! Is there a better way?

[sgmom]

Hitting is your daughters current way of dealing with an emotion that she's unable to communicate. Have you tried showing her that it hurts when she hits you, then offering compassion to her frustration by remaining calm (the calmer you are, the calmer she will be) and trying to get to the problem that caused her emotion, rather than dealing with the behavior itself?

Personally, I would not suggest that you restrain or punish the behavior at 17 months old. The way she's expressing herself is very normal for her age.

[swd12422]

I gave DS his own throw pillow and would let him hit that if he needed to hit something. Maybe just try redirecting her target rather than the behavior if you don't want to squelch her expression of her emotions?

[quietserena]

My younger one is about that age and what I've done is defend myself by blocking her arm (years of video games are paying off, yes!) and then either ignoring it and trying to distract her or if that doesn't work, redirecting her to hit a pillow.

With her sister (now 3.5), I tried to teach her that it hurt but she just took it all wrong (and funny). She thought that you are supposed to say "ow, ow, ow!" as you are beating on someone.... it didn't help that I found the whole thing hilarious. Took a few months for her to forget the game though she still remembers and does it when the sillies hit.

We also say "Easy!" all the time and I think this was one of her first words before she even understood what it meant. Now, both my girls say "Easy!" even if there's just a loud noise or if we are in the car and I drive over the train tracks...

[seim.ge]

Ugh. My DS is doing the same thing. We're doing a couple of things:

#1, we've been having a more-or-less planned crying session each day. I think a lot of this behaviour is caused by stress, because he's becoming so independant and feeling the pressure of needing to communicate. Obviously I'm not doing anything to make him cry, but I'm doing my best to leave the day unstructured enough that when the inevitable tantrum hits I can stop everything and just let him cry it out until he's done. I treat it like he's having a seizure: I stay calm, warm and I stay right there with him and prevent him from hurting himself while he screams, but I don't attempt to calm him down. He ends up crawling into my arms after a half hour or so and I can feel his body relax and his mood brightens. It is hard, but he seems to be responding well to this.

#2, I'm doing everything I can to keep our routine in balance. Nutritious meals on time, bedtime and naptime before he's too tired to cope anymore, etc. I want to keep everything around him as calm and predictable as possible while he's in this phase.

#3, I try to redirect the games when I see aggressive behavior brewing. If there is a conflict over a toy, I either take the toy away or add a similar or identical toy to the mix. If blocks are being thrown, I start using them to build a house for DS's toy dogs. If dishes are being used as hammers, I start my own teaparty. I don't look at DS or his friend or talk about what I'm doing at all; in general, they follow my lead naturally.

#4, when he does hit I start by drawing him to my lap and rubbing his hand with one of his silk scarves. I don't address the hitting at all, because I don't think he really understands that he's hitting and that it hurts other people at this point. Even if he did understand, he doesn't have the language skills to be able to discuss it with me so I'm just letting that go. Instead, I talk about how soft hands make happy friends, soft hands show that we love people, etc, while rubbing his hands gently with the warm, soft silk. Sometimes he pulls away impatiently, but often he'll relax into it and take a breather, and then return to the games calm and centered.

#5, if nothing else helps, I separate DS from the game and take him to the bathroom and set him on his stool and let him wash his hands in warm, soothing water. I may light a beeswax candle, and we hum quietly together for awhile. If possible, I take him outside immediately afterward and try to expose him to some nice, vibrant green, as both water and green growing things have been scientifically proven to lower b/p and reduce stress. I do not speak during this time, because if things have gotten this far I know that I am angry and stressed too, and also need to calm down before I can become part of the solution.

This is an extremely frustrating stage. It is so shocking to see my own precious little angel baby intentionally trying to harm another child, especially when our family is so careful to avoid any sort of violent behavior. I don't fully understand where this kind of behavior comes from, but I do know that well-rested, well-fed, relaxed little babies don't engage in it...so my goal is to keep him that way!