Controlling Type A 3 Year Old- long

[Unconventional1]

I need some major help- both DH and I are at our wits end. I need help figuring out a plan on how to deal with my oldest ds who is 3.5 years old. He is very bright, ahead in verbal ability, and overall very smart and witty.

He is also very aggressive, very bossy, and needs to be in control of everything and everyone . He also has very low concentration, and has a defeatist attitude when something doesn't go exactly right (he has always been this way despite being encouraged to keep trying, and showing him that things don't always go as planned and it IS okay when it comes to myself- DH has a harder time with this and is a major perfectionist- he must have gotten it from him ).

We also have a new baby boy (2 weeks old), and a 1.5 year old DD. So I know he isn't getting the same type of attention he used to get, but he makes it impossible to NOT give him huge amounts of attention all the time. He interrupts anyone who is speaking, if it isn't directed at him. If someone is doing something not involving him- cooking, school work, etc. he will physically put himself in between you and what you are doing.

He is getting mean towards his little sister at this point because she is trying to play with him since she is not getting as much time from me. So he has pushed her, hit her, thrown things at her, etc.

DH and I were talking things out with him- if you talk at him he doesn't listen- we tried asking him questions like- how do you think it feels when you ____________? What would be a better way of dealing with your emotion? etc.

At this point we are so sick of the way he is acting he is getting parents who lash out at him by yelling. We haven't ever used physical punishment- but it is getting to the point where I am stopping myself from doing something physical . I am NOT that type of person usually, but I am past my breaking point.

So I guess what I am looking for is how to deal with this kid. DH and I are typically mellow, low key types. We don't follow any real schedule with him other than consistent meal and bed times/bed time routine. Would a schedule be helpful for this type of person? What kinds of activities are good to build listening skills? concentration levels? self-confidence in the activity when it goes "wrong"? How do you deal with chronic interruptions?

Thanks for any advice! I am open to websites for info, but I don't have huge amounts of time for books- but I am willing to get/read 1-2 really good ones for my situation.

[Thalia the Muse]

I think three is just a sort of Type A age -- a lot of kids seem to get very bossy, control-oriented, and "sassy" around then, it seems like a developmental stage. Whining that they can't do things, short attention span, and giving up quickly are also totally typical! He's still a really, really little kid.

I think the new baby might be making him feel anxious and left-out, and also wearing your stores of parental patience and goodwill thinner than usual. Totally understandable, on both sides.

Some stuff that might help:

• Positive attention whenever you "catch him being good" -- telling him what a great job he's doing playing with his sister on whatever rare moments he might not be slugging or yelling at her. Or saying how proud you are that he tried to do something -- even if he got frustrated and upset and gave up quickly. Focus both to him and for yourself on all the great things about him, and all the times he does the right thing. It can make putting up with the not-so-right things a little easier.
  
• Do not reward interruptions with attention ever, ever, ever. He gets no response until he get your attention in an appropriate way. The flip side is that there has to be a parent reasonably available to him, so that he doesn't have to wait a really long time to tell you something or ask for help. Five minutes is a LONG TIME TO WAIT for three-year-olds.
  
• If he interrupts you while you're cooking or doing something around the house, can you give him a job as your helper? That way he gets the attention he wants without being obstructive or obnoxious. Three-year-olds can do a LOT of tasks in the kitchen! helping wash and dry plastic containers, washing lettuce, stirring batter, putting all the salad ingredients in the bowl ... they can even chop things that are fairly soft. They can also dust and mess around with a broom (this doesn't result in a cleaner floor, but it's fun and keeps them busy!) If you're busy with the baby, maybe he could fold diapers or pick out a book for you to read to him and his new little brother?
  
• If an adult really needs to do something without him interrupting, like schoolwork, can they be in another room behind a closed door? Even kids a lot older than your son can find it hard to have their parent RIGHT THERE but refusing to pay attention to them.
  
• Out-of-the-house activities -- part-time preschool, low-key gymnastics class, swim/water fun class -- could give you a break and him a special thing that's just for big kids, where he can practice new skills without feeling compelled to fight you for control.
  
• One-on-one time with a parent without any other kids might make him feel reassured that he's still just as loved as his little sibs. Maybe he and his dad could have a standing weekend go-to-the-park date?

[ASusan]

Originally Posted by Unconventional1

So I guess what I am looking for is how to deal with this kid. DH and I are typically mellow, low key types. We don't follow any real schedule with him other than consistent meal and bed times/bed time routine. Would a schedule be helpful for this type of person? What kinds of activities are good to build listening skills? concentration levels? self-confidence in the activity when it goes "wrong"? How do you deal with chronic interruptions?

Thanks for any advice! I am open to websites for info, but I don't have huge amounts of time for books- but I am willing to get/read 1-2 really good ones for my situation.

We don't follow any real schedule with him other than consistent meal and bed times/bed time routine. Would a schedule be helpful for this type of person?

I would start to follow more of a schedule. We have more of a schedule on weekdays because of work/daycare, and less of one on weekends. By the end of the weekend, DS's behavior is crazier. Also, when we kept him home last Monday...his behavior was wild by the end of the day, partially because he'd been with us - and no real schedule save dinnertime/bedtime routine - for 3 days.

What kinds of activities are good to build listening skills?

To build listening skills, I'd try songs/games with directions. He may be old enough to do Simon Says or Mother May I? or just a series of commands, parent and child taking turns giving the commands. "Walk like an elephant" "hop like a bunny" "slither like a snake" , etc.
My sister (who works w/ special needs & children w/ autism) sings this with DS (to the tune of Frere Jacques, and act out motions as you sing):

Walking walking walking walking
Hop hop hop
Running, running, running
Running, running, running
Now we stop. Now we stop.

Make it really obvious when you STOP. The idea is for the child to listen to the directions and control their behavior upon command. You can mix it up with other movements after they master the first ones.

concentration levels?

easy I Spy books
Games with turn-taking: Memory, go fish, Orchard

self-confidence in the activity when it goes "wrong"?

It's more difficult for me to comment on this one, because DS does fairly well in this department (so far). The things that do happen that he's responded well to (when things go wrong) is --

1. playing basketball (or raquetball/lawn tennis). He learned the word "almost!" very early - and used it appropriately. We (DH, usually) also block his shots in a fun way, "try again!." We focus more on the running, bouncing, throwing, than on the actual "score" itself. Lawn tennis is more about hitting the ball/birdie and chasing it than actually getting a volley. (I don't know that we've ever HAD a successful volley between the 2 of us!).

2. Same with plane flying - DS's helicopter plane 'broke' every time it landed last night. It went back together easily, and I just made that part of the game. I think he eventually thought it was supposed to break upon impact. (I don't know, maybe it is!)

3. Overall, I sometimes think he just doesn't know what the outcomes of things are SUPPOSED to be. Maybe he's just younger than your DS in this respect. When he notices that his ways of doing things aren't like the adult's or expected outcome, I just shrug it off. When his tosses of the helicopoter last night weren't as high or far as mine (and he noticed, 'not high. DS not high!"), I said, "Nope. Go get it. Run! Throw it again!" and "Do you want me to throw it so you can run?"

4. Messes, spills - I try to make it about the fun of using a towel to clean it up.

How do you deal with chronic interruptions?

This is a more difficult one for me, and I can only imagine it is multiplied in your house. I'm not sure I have any suggestions here.

One final suggestion I'd put in - one-on-one play for 15 minutes each day from each parent. Let him take the lead entirely and just be present. Comment on what he is doing, but don't attempt to direct it. Get involved if he invites you, otherwise do parallel play with him or sit back and verbally observe.