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'Best' age spacing - Page 2

post #21 of 41
Ours will be 27 months apart.

I'll let you know how it works out for us.

Our DS is very easy and soon after the baby gets here, we'll be living in a multi-generational situation, sort of. (Same property, different houses)

My mother is a homemaker so Grandma will always be right across the yard in case I need some quiet time or a nice nap.

We are VERY blessed for this. If we didn't have family so close by and this weren't the plan...I'm not sure if we would have been as eager to have another one so quickly.

I definitely agree that circumstances, each child's disposition and a whole slew of other details really are what it all depends on. So it's a crapshoot.
post #22 of 41
I have a 5 year gap between 1 and 2 and 27 months between 2 and 3. For me, the bigger gap was a lot easier, things that were harder with the smaller gap: 2 in diapers, tandem nursing (not as fun as it sounded), #2 started night waking again after baby came- so I was getting even less sleep than most with a new baby, carrying 2 kids out of a store is impossible for me, dealing with toddler tantrums while holding a baby is insane. None the less, I am getting through all of it, and I can see that 2 and 3 are going to have a wonderful sibling relationship as they get older.
post #23 of 41
Originally Posted by Earthy Mama View Post
I think I'm going to enjoy this age space (7 years 10 months) more than the last two (4 years 1 month). DD1 will be almost 12 years older than the baby and dd2 will be almost 8 years older. They are going to be tons of help and I'm hoping the baby will curb some of their fighting! They wouldn't want to upset the baby, now would they?
ITA - If I were allowed to do it again (cause DH doesn't want more than two! hehe)...then I certainly wouldn't shoot for a smaller age gap. I would go for the same or even larger! I think 6+ years would be ideal next time around. I like an easy life! hehe
post #24 of 41
My boys are almost 6 years apart. A big reason for this is because we honestly weren't sure we wanted anymore!(we obviously decided to have more ) The next gap is just shy of 2 years. It worked out great because of the temperament of both children. The 6 year gap has worked well for the older 2, but the oldest does, on occasion, lament the fact that his closest aged-sibling is so much younger. The gap between my youngest 2 is bit over 4 years. This has been good because of the temperament of my youngest. She's <ahem> a bit high-needs(much like my first was). We are leaving the door open for one more, but I have no idea when or if that will happen.

So I have no advice, but to say that it just kind of depends on the family and the child/children. You and your husband will make the choice that is right for your family. Yeah, I'm helpful like that.
post #25 of 41
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree View Post
You are changing the world! Every moment that you mother your children, inspire your students, explore with research, you are making a contribution.

I know academia can be as demanding as private industry for balancing personal and professional lives. I just found more flexibility as a student and I appreciated it during my pregnancies and when I had small children.
Thank you for this post. I have had a very unproductive week at school, but your post really lifted my spirits!
post #26 of 41
we have a 4 year gap and so far I love it. I echo a lot of what Ann said. DD1 is old enough to do so much on her own - potty, dress, get snacks and drinks, play independently. I can trust her to be alone in the house while I am nursing down the baby in another room and even while I nap with the baby in another room and she watches a movie.
She is helpful with her sister - she will rock her in the bouncy chair for me while I am getting ready in the morning or cooking dinner. I can trust her not to hurt DD2 while I go pee or change the laundry. Just yesterday I was talking with a mom whose boys are around 2 yrs apart. And she was telling me of when her 2nd son was a newborn and she left him on the couch in the living room with the older one to go pee. She was gone less than a minute and when she came back her older son was sitting on her newborn holding a toy screwdriver and getting ready to poke him in the face! I could not deal with that.
DD2 was also great during the pregnancy - she was older and understood more, was really excited and loved witnessing the birth. She'll be home with the baby for 1.5 years then she'll be in school all day and the baby will have all my attention and we'll be able to be home for naps and such because DD1 will be in school.
And I wanted to savor each child as a baby, not get through it as quick as possible. For us the spacing is perfect.
post #27 of 41
For me, i prefer no more than 3 years apart, but not less than 2 yrs. Mainly because i like the idea of the kids playing together, and that is one of the best parts about having siblings. Temperament is not the only issue when is comes to siblings getting along, of course age plays into it as well. I come from a big family with a laot of siblings, and thats my norm.

Having said that, its not necessary to compromise ideals such as child led weaning. Although i would not want to be pregnant and nursing a child under 18mths.

I like the way my 2 are spaced, ....2yrs8mths apart.
post #28 of 41
my first 2 are 6.5 years apart. we changed our minds about a second child and when i was pg i wished i had them closer but ds2 was a very high needs baby and very explosive as a toddler so i'm glad i didnt have them closer together. dd is 4.5 years younger than ds2. if i got pg now i wouldnt mind though
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post #29 of 41
My sons are four years apart and I love it. DS1 was done with diapers, independent, had started preschool -- I was no longer his whole world. It was nice to be able to set him up with some snacks, some toys, a video and then lay there being sick on the couch during the first part of my pregnancy.

When the baby came it was "our" baby and he helped with getting out diapers, entertaining the baby. He also had his other interests so it wasn't devastating to him that I wasn't as available as before.

Now DS2 has just turned two and I'm thinking about #3, but this is the absolute earliest I'd want to even think about it! DH is finishing grad school this year and the tentative plan is to try again when he's done.
post #30 of 41
Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley View Post
My boys are 4 years and 7 months apart.
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post
I completely agree with Ann. Mine are 4 years 3 months apart.
Originally Posted by OTMomma View Post
I have a 5 year gap between 1 and 2 and 27 months between 2 and 3. For me, the bigger gap was a lot easier,
Originally Posted by snoopy5386 View Post
we have a 4 year gap and so far I love it.

I know this thread is a bit old, but I just wanted to thank the above mamas (and the ones I missed) for posting their responses. DS is 3 years old and it will be about 2 more years before we have another. I never wanted a 5-year gap between children, but it just worked out that way. It's so nice to see that I'm not the only one and that extra spacing has such great advantages. There's lots of people IRL who are pregnant right now with smaller gaps, and it's tough to deal with. We need to wait until we're at a point where we're I can be a SAHM again, since there is no way I would leave an infant behind while I work. On the bright side, I know that by waiting until we're really ready, I'll be able to give our next child the same amount of attention that DS is getting right now.

Again, thanks for your posts. You are so encouraging.
post #31 of 41
It seems like people think however they spaced their kids is the best, so luckily that means you'll probably be happy whatever you do. Mine have a big space between them, 7 years, and I love that because the older one got to be the baby for a good long time, and really likes being a big sister and doesn't mind the baby being held all the time, getting so much attention, etc., because she's way past that. They are great together.
post #32 of 41
I always thought 2.5 yrs was the perfect spacing, as this is the space between my sister and I. My sis and I fought a lot as teenagers, but we lived together off-campus for a while during college, and I definitely consider her my best friend now, as an adult.

However, I have been very happy with the 3.5 years between my kids, even though I never intended them to be that far apart. We are talking about a third, and if we have another we are planning to wait until DS is over 2 before we start trying.

ETA: I should add that we have considered trying to space #3 closer than 3.5 yrs- our oldest has a pseudo-sibling (my next door nephew) who is only 9 months younger, and they fought a lot as toddlers, but they are the BEST playmates now that they are 3 and 4, and mostly over their hitting stages! We have talked about closer spacing next time, so that DS can also have a close-in-age playmate, but I honestly don't know if I have the energy for another that soon!
post #33 of 41
3 to 4 yrs is my choice. I would never purposely have them closer. I enjoyed the infant time with each of my boys and only ONE in diapers. We were trying for 3 yrs between the last 2 but it endned up being 5 which also works well.
post #34 of 41
I really see so many benefits to so many different scenarios--it really is one of those things, in my opinion, where you sort of take the good with the bad and just do what works for your family.

That said, there are 21 months between my 5-year-old and my 3.5-year-old, and 33 months between my 3.5-year-old and my 9-month-old. Here's what I like/don't about those gaps:

My first two are close enough that my oldest didn't seem to have a big "transition" when his little sister was born, but quickly accepted our new family. I was still totally in "baby" mode when I got pregnant, so it was easy for me to transition back to having a newborn (I was still diapering my oldest when my second was born, still nursing, he didn't have tiny-pieced-toys yet, et cetera). By the time my third was born, my then-youngest had been potty trained for a year and our house was full of legos and playmobil. While some people would appreciate the break from diapers/baby-stuff, it made it harder for me to go back to it.

On the other hand, I loved experiencing my third pregnancy with two kids who were old enough to "get it." My oldest was nearly 4 when I got pregnant, and we were able to explain it to him and enjoy showing him pictures of fetal development and things, even before there was any "evidence" of the pregnancy. He was fascinated by "actual size" pictures of the developing embryo. My daughter, who had just turned two when we became pregnant, didn't necessarily get it right away, but by the time I started to show a little--and for SURE when she could feel the baby moving--she understood and enjoyed talking about it. I really enjoyed sharing my pregnancy with both of them--especially my oldest.

The hardest thing about the almost-3-year gap was the difficult time my now-middle child had in assimilating to that new role. The baby is 9 months old now, and I still feel like my 3-year-old is "adjusting." Despite a lot of awareness and deliberate effort on our parts to avoid it, I feel like this transition has been really rough on her, and that's been difficult on both practical and emotional levels.

Actually, as I reflect on my own experience with my own kids, I'd say that I see a lot of advantages to having a small gap--say, 2 years or less--and a lot of advantages to having a larger gap--say, 4-5.5 years--but, for me, I think ~3 years is a tough gap. In my opinion, 3 is a difficult age anyway, and in my experience, compounding that difficulty by introducing a new sibling has been rough. (But of course my experience could have everything to do with personalities and little to do with ages.)
post #35 of 41
I agree with previous posters that you can find both advantages/dis for either close or more distant spacing. I was 5 years older than my brother and I helped my mom A LOT! This was good for her as she had health issues. As he got older I was the built-in babysitter. In childhood we played together (my way, of course). We are fairly close now, but during the teen years I just saw him as a bother.

My own three are spaced 28 months apart and it was/is very hard having an infant and a toddler. However, the two boys love playing together now (being close in age) so, it IS easier this time around, thank goodness. Plus my almost-five-yo is very helpful when he's not tearing through the house chasing his brother.
post #36 of 41
Finish the Ph.D. It'll be 20 times harder with 2 little ones.

That being said ,it all depends on your temperament, your children's temperaments (which you might not know), your neighborhood, your family support, and oh about a dozen things that you can't predict right now.

We have a 3 year gap and I like it a lot. Our ds was past the young toddler stage and had some impulse control when dd was born. But they're still close enough in age that they can play. They've gone through waves of playing/not playing, depending on development. They're now at an age where they can play board games together (though dd tends to lose her temper), but they're no longer playing imaginative games as ds, at 9, is starting to move past that.
post #37 of 41
post #38 of 41
mine are 2 years 8 months and its great now but it was hard in the beginning. Picture yourself in a grocery store with a toddler and baby...the older one potty training and has an accident ...try to clean him up in bathroom. (pray you remembered an extra pair of pants) Now baby needs to nurse...then needs to be changed. Run out of wipes because there's no way you can keep stock with 2 in diapers. While changing infant older child is sneaking away under the stall and running away...ugh! THAT WAS HARD! The hardest time in my life. Tho now they are BUDS and I love that we can all do stuff together...similar stages and interests. I feel like 3-6 more months apart would have been PERFECT.
post #39 of 41

It depends on what you can handle. My kids are almost 3years apart.

They are close sometimes. Bad days i wish there had been a bigger gap and my daughter had gotten more one on one attention.

we are ttc #3 and at this rate my son might be 5 or older by the time we have another child and i think it will be a better spacing.

post #40 of 41
This is something I've explored a lot and talked with lots of people about, and I have to agree that there are challenges no matter what the age difference. I think individual family circumstances play a big part in what age spacing is best, it's not so much a "one-size fits all" type of decision. I think it largely depends on personalities of all involved and what everyone is willing to take on.

My two are 20 months apart and overall I do really love the age gap. They have become partners in crime It was an adjustment in the beginning and I spent DD's first year parenting alone but it has been a positive experience for us. I found raising two little ones close in age to be extremely easy once there were two of us to take on the task, but even when it was just me DD fit right into our lives and it was business as usual. I can't say I would do it all alone again in a similar fashion but it was manageable. How we space our children is largely dependent on my DH's job and deployment schedule, in addition to frequent moves every few years. We typically only have him for 18 months - 2 years at a time and then he's gone for a year so we have the plan pregnancies and births around that. And then moves every 3-5 years means planning around that as well. We are looking at a similar age gap for #3 but he'll be here for the first year at least, which is fantastic.

I think whatever you decide will work out for you, best of luck
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