arguing about my breast shape, and how long to nurse

[corysmilk]

hi
i am 13 weeks, and my dp is telling me that there is no way I am breastfeeding for more than a year, he would like me to do it for only 6 months????? ummm I nursed my last one for almost 3 years. then he was saying my boobs are gonna be dragging on the floor and my nipples will be all big and GROSS. i was was really hurt by this. I don't think my boobs will change much, because I have already nursed a toddler. but he went on and on and I didn't know how to make him see that nursing is good for his baby. I told him he should be happy to be having a baby with a woman who will nurse his child. and that maybe he will like my boobs even more after the breastfeeding because they nurtured his child.

I really don't think he knows what he is talking about, he does not have any children this will be his first. it seems we are fighting about so much right now, what to name the baby, where to give birth, they only thing he agress with is cloth diapers, only if they are easy for him to do. sigh..... we even planned this baby, I am feeling so discouraged, I have 3 other children, I have already figured all this out and I know what works and what doesn't and he will not listen to me.


I don't know what to do???
any advice

[eclipse]

I would just tell him that they are my breasts, not his, and he doesn't get a vote. And I would tell him that we would have big, potentially relationship ending problems, if he kept talking about a part of my body A) as if it belonged to him in any way, shape, or form and B) as if it is in any way disgusting.

For you - everything I've read tells me that pregnancy is what affects breast shape, not breastfeeding.

Please stand up for yourself - your DP is disrespecting you, big time.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by corysmilk

I really don't think he knows what he is talking about, he does not have any children this will be his first.

This is huge. You said it, he doesn't know what he is talking about. I wouldn't engage. Why do you need to talk about this now anyway? You can yes-dear him for now. I bet by the time the baby is 6 months old he will feel *very* differently and it won't be an issue.

[KempsMama]

Originally Posted by mambera

This is huge. You said it, he doesn't know what he is talking about. I wouldn't engage. Why do you need to talk about this now anyway? You can yes-dear him for now. I bet by the time the baby is 6 months old he will feel *very* differently and it won't be an issue.

I disagree. If he doesn't change his mind, having an un-supportive spouse can ruin a good nursing relationship, and if challenges present themselves, and un-supportive spouse can make the difference in getting through the challenges or weaning. I would present him with articles, if he's open to reading them, about the benefits of BFing to both mother and child. There's also information out there disputing the claim that nursing causes saggy breasts.

[eclipse]

See, I don't think the issue is at all about how long the OP does or does not nurse. That's completely secondary and I wouldn't engage about that at all at this point. I think talking about her body the way he is is hugely disrespectful - breastfeeding aside, he doesn't have the right to talk about HER breasts that way - and I think it speaks to character and how he sees the role of a woman in a relationship. Those things are fundamentals that need to be addressed before anyone talks about how long the baby breastfeeds.

[kavamamakava]

It seems like he's trying to feel important too. You already know how to do everything and it's new to him. He could just sit back and let you make all the decisions because you're the mom, but then he'd probably feel marginalized.
If he likes talking about boobs so much, have him look at this site http://www.007b.com/breast_gallery.php
There are pics of women who have never been pregnant or breastfed and there are women who have breastfed for years. It seems that the common denominator in breast appearance change is age. Pregnancy has something to do with it, but breastfeeding doesn't have much to do with it. Your body adjusts your breasts so that the pulling and tugging and engorging and deflating involved in nursing doesn't damage the tissue. The fat that was formerly in your breasts is gone and replaced with functioning and enlarged mammary glands. When you're done nursing, the mammary glands shrink and the fat usually returns. Any change in appearance is likely due to pregnancy and gravity and age, not breastfeeding.

[Megan73]

Originally Posted by eclipse

See, I don't think the issue is at all about how long the OP does or does not nurse. That's completely secondary and I wouldn't engage about that at all at this point. I think talking about her body the way he is is hugely disrespectful - breastfeeding aside, he doesn't have the right to talk about HER breasts that way - and I think it speaks to character and how he sees the role of a woman in a relationship. Those things are fundamentals that need to be addressed before anyone talks about how long the baby breastfeeds.

I totally agree. The attitude of "ownership" is really disturbing, frankly.
OP, don't engage with him in this "argument." Bottom line – it's your body and your choice and it's hurtful and disrespectful of him to make these comments.

[corysmilk]

I agree with all the staments, some what!

I do think he is feeling left out. our midwife had a questionare about how the partener feels, he filled it out and on it he said he was jelous of my realtionship with the pregnacy and feeling left out of the bond between me and the baby at this stage. so that could have alot to do with it.

I am older than him so I think he may be worried about my changing body, which is really not for him to say.

I am going to talk with him, without aruing, I need him to understandthat there are alot of decsions we will make together, but breatfeeding is just not one of them. i will tell him how hard I fought to even have a nursing relationship with any of my children, I think he'll understand, but I need to stay calm.

its so strange to think you want to live the rest of your life with someone and then have something that is sooo important, almost or potetonaly break us up!!
I am know as the breatfeeder, my friends are all incuraged to nurse. and the ones who don't or stop have actually said sorry to me!!
I don't want to break up op over this. but I belive it is my childs birthright to have mamas milk or human milk if I could not do it.

thank you so much for all the advice. I ;ll let you know how it goes

[lifeguard]

I agree with a lot of what pp have said.

For us I know dh was totally onboard with me breastfeeding just not for as long as we are. But he's come around. We just didn't discuss it much because we knew we disagreed & I just felt that we could "cross that bridge when we come to it". It turns out now it isn't the issue that before ds was here it appeared it would be.

[KristyDi]

Originally Posted by eclipse

See, I don't think the issue is at all about how long the OP does or does not nurse. That's completely secondary and I wouldn't engage about that at all at this point. I think talking about her body the way he is is hugely disrespectful - breastfeeding aside, he doesn't have the right to talk about HER breasts that way - and I think it speaks to character and how he sees the role of a woman in a relationship. Those things are fundamentals that need to be addressed before anyone talks about how long the baby breastfeeds.

A big

What if pregnancy or time cause the changes to your body he's worried about, will he love you less?

He has no vote on what you do with your body. If he has health concerns about his child and breastfeeding that's a different story and you can address those concerns. But saying you can't breastfeed because it will make your breasts ugly is childish at best and scary, controlling behavior at worst.

[ewe+lamb]

ITA with Eclipse too, it's really a slant on how he sees your body, how it develops through pregnancy and onto motherhood, maybe you can find some other Dads who have been through the same doubts but have come to love their wife's body, maybe ask your midwife, go to a LLL meeting - maybe he needs to have a bit of a wake up call, step up to the plate and take on his new role within the family of father, maybe help him embrace something that he has a fear about, it's a daunting time in anyones life, I loved the book Birthing From Within - it maybe something you and your partner would be interested in reading together.

[kcparker]

Originally Posted by corysmilk

ummm I nursed my last one for almost 3 years. then he was saying my boobs are gonna be dragging on the floor and my nipples will be all big and GROSS. ... I have 3 other children, I have already figured all this out and I know what works and what doesn't and he will not listen to me.

If you have already had 3 kids, what can #4 possibly do that the other three have not done already? The stretching of the boobs is more about collagen elasticity and gravity than about nursing, and some of the breast size/color changes occur due to hormones and will change as you are pregnant/bfing/back to 'just you.'

I would emphasize the health benefits for you and for baby of breastfeeding, how parents lose less time from work if the baby is bf'ed, the convenience of breastmilk at night and when traveling, the weight loss it brings for mama...spin it in a positive light, tell him how it will make his life easier (you, darling husband, can sleep while I BF the baby instead of me making YOU get up to mix formula at 3 a.m.) Go on kellymom for some great resources for dads.

You say he is

jealous of my realtionship with the pregnancy and feeling left out of the bond between me and the baby at this stage.

What can you do now to help him feel more bonded? Can he talk/read books to the baby? Does he play the guitar or like music that he can play for the baby? Can he start bonding by doing something like putting together a mobile for the baby, researching daycare set-ups, massaging your tummy, writing the baby a letter about how excited he is to become a dad? Can he start a tackle box for the baby if he intends to take baby fly-fishing at age 5? Whatever you can think of, offer it up to him.

I agree with other posters, a little bit of 'cross the bridge when we get there' is in order too.