help me process this (fairly trivial) incident.... - Page 2

[reignbelle]

I'm fine with "abit" of time spent bonding.. I don't think over a half hour is abit. Though it sounds like the ops husband received no alone time and I do think that wrong. I just don't see why id invite people over and then not hang woth them. If a friend Invited me over before leaving and then spent a halfhour packing ( example already mentioned) I would not be mad but I would think it rude.

[CarrieMF]

Sorry this happened but yes...your husband could have taken your niece back to her parents and explained he needed some alone time with his son.

I agree with this.

Also, your DH could have taken DS back inside after he ran off to play & still gotten the card done before DH had to leave.

Was DH's main goal spending time with DS or was his main goal getting the card done? If it was to get the card done, he could have given dn a piece of paper & a pen/pencil/marker for her to make you a card while DS was doing his.

[reignbelle]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I'd think my relatives were...okay, can't go there. I wouldn't be very happy with them, and would be very unlikely to invite them back for a long time.

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I just wanted to address this really quick. thinking something is rude doesn't mean i am mad or hurt or want the person to change how they do things. I think burping in public is rude and yet i don't care how much someone does it. My mom thinks re-gifting is rude she knows i do it and is fine with that. SHE would never re-gift and that's her choice. I don't think rudeness has to be universally agreed upon. Saying "I'm full" and not finishing a meal is rude to some, doesn't mean I'm going to stuff myself .

[gcgirl]

It sounds like your DH was abrupt and could have been nicer. But your BiL and sis are totally overreacting. They should NOT have allowed DN to go in after BiL made it clear he wanted some alone time with his DS. That's a perfectly reasonable request.

[welsh]

Originally Posted by eclipse

So, I don't get it. What was your BIL so mad about that he left without talking to your husband?
He was upset because his daughter was upset at being excluded

"I'm sorry. Normally I would love to have niece come hang out with us, but right now I need some time with just my son. Could you please find something for her to do while we do this? We'll be done in a few minutes, and then ds will be able to play again."
I told him this would've been much better than the more abrupt way Dh has of speaking sometimes

Originally Posted by limabean

I think both men completely overreacted. Your DH was well within his rights to want time alone with his son, but he could have calmly walked DN over to her parents and explained the situation rather than getting "really angry and upset." And BIL didn't need to leave in a huff. I think it's odd that both men got so upset over such a little thing.

[B]I agree. Dh was overly emotional about leaving DS and could've handled it so much better.
I think BIL is treating DN like a princess whose needs have to be met at all times[/B

To clarify:
DS and I have moved in with my Dad for the last 6 wks of my pregnancy. DH is working in our host country overseas.
The weather was great so Dad had planned a family bbq at his house.

In hindsight, we should've spent our last afternoon as a family (just 3) alone.
The incident wasn't about writing a card, it was about Dh's need for time with DS which was happening (briefly) before DN was told to join them.

DH had a crappy upbringing and, as an adult, feels no connection with his parents. (Although they are good grandparents and are trying to repair damage through DS).
He is so determined to be different with DS; affectionate, transparent etc
and is doing a great job.
Unfortunately his social skills are still a bit lacking at times.....

[pauletoy]

I am sorry, I just do not see the BIL's side of this at all. Not at all.

Your dh was leaving his pregnant wife and young son in a different country for 7 weeks. It is just obsurd that BIL would get his feathers ruffled about your dh wanting to spend time alone with his child. To me it doesn't really matter how long he wanted to spend with his son, he is a father who isn't going to see his son for a long time. Give the man a break!

I am sure your dh was pretty emotional and he may have even been a little short with your dn, however, as a father, your BIL should understand the emotional stress your dh is under. Pregnant wife + young child + different country= major stress.

I hope this doesn't come across as rude, it is not my intention. It just seems odd to me that anyone would not understand your dh wanting alone time, to do whatever, with his son before leaving FOR 7 WEEKS!

[Needle in the Hay]

Maybe all the sis and BIL knew was that their daughter was told she couldn't go in the house. That would have ticked me off too and my child being abruptly told "No, we are going in the house, you stay out here" would not have gone down well with me. However, that doesn't mean the OP's DH shouldn't have been able to have some time alone with his son, but it needn't have caused the problems it did. Why didn't your DH mention this to you and have you tell your sister beforehand? Then he could have made it clear (again through you if he didn't feel up to it) at the time he was going into the house with DS.

When your niece came in the house why didn't he either calmly talk to you, or your sis or BIL about it or just take DS away from the house for a little bit? There were solutions other than your DH being the victim. I do sympathize though. I can see why emotions were running high.

[buttercup784ever]

The problem I see in this situation is the timing. If there are only two children at this event, and they are actively playing together, I think your DH could have waited until both kids were doing something else NOT together, or gone to your DN's parents and ask for their help in distracting DN while he took DS in the house.

If I were in BIL's shoes, I would be a little upset that your DH was borderline rude to DN (excluding someone who won't understand what's going on and hurting her feelings IS rude I think regardless of circumstances) when this could have been avoided with a tiny bit of planning. Could DH have had time with DS before the other family arrived? Could he have chosen a more appropriate moment instead of interrupting two small children at play and abruptly taking one away with no warning?

Now I'm not one to think that adult's should be driven by a child's feelings or choices in every situation, but I think SOME thoughtfulness is in order. It sounds to me like your DH was ready to do the card right then, and wasn't interested in what the kids were busy doing. So I think yes, slightly thoughtless and slightly rude. But not unforgivable.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay

Maybe all the sis and BIL knew was that their daughter was told she couldn't go in the house. That would have ticked me off too and my child being abruptly told "No, we are going in the house, you stay out here" would not have gone down well with me. However, that doesn't mean the OP's DH shouldn't have been able to have

This is how I read the situation as well. If we were at my ILs or my parents, and someone told one of my DC they couldn't go in the house, I would've said, "of course you can. Your uncle doesn't make the rules here." Your husband could have gone into one room, closed the door, and had some time with your son. He could've taken him for a walk. He could've done lots of things that didn't require keeping your niece out of the entire house.

[Momily]

I guess I don't understand why your neice wanting to play with her cousin was something that warranted "firm" tone and limit setting, and yet when your son wanted to play with his cousin, your husband just let him run off and blamed the neice.

I also am not sure why the card couldn't have been written before or after the barbeque, or why both kids couldn't have participated.