I'm doing quite a lot for myself, and get regular time off - more than some of my mom friends because unlike them I'm a single mom and DS's dad is really up for taking him regularly - but still, it never feels like enough. Maybe it's bc I had DS when I was only just past my mid twenties (most of my mom friends are 10 yrs older), and was just starting to blossom and explore and start finding out WHO I was and WHAT I wanted to do - and now I feel continually frustrated that I can't just let rip with that. (he wasn't planned, but I had wanted a baby in the abstract sense for a while). I feel like I'm always plotting and planning my next escape! My son was VERY high needs until recently so I have never been able to just get babysitters or anything like that, so I guess I have a bit of a backlog.
My yoga teacher (who isn't a mom by the way) was saying to me today that this is the most important thing I could do, raise this child, and the blessing he can have on the world etc etc...but I just don't feel it...I feel like my creative life is being put on hold, and to be honest it's the same kind of frustration I felt before he was born when I was stuck in a job I hated. I kind of saw having him as a bit of an escape from that (I know, really mature!) and now I just want to escape from full time motherhood! Ugh, it's a real trap in my thinking and I want to break this cycle. And just enjoy the phase I'm in now, which is having a dependent child. I feel so guilty for being so selfish. Help please!