Helping a toddler deal with trauma

[Tanikit]

My DH and I were hijacked at gun point a week ago today. Fortunately neither of us was physically injured and even more fortunately my daughter was in the house at the time with her aunt and cousin. However naturally we were upset, her aunt was crying as she knew it was happening and had to hide the girls incase the hijackers came in the house. On top of that many of the details were discussed with the police while she was in ear shot and she has picked up on many of our comments when telling other people.

While we have tried to protect her from much of it, she is asking very hard questions and it is hard to know how to deal with them so her curiosity is satisfied but also so she still feels safe in what is a very unsafe country.

Here are the questions she has asked and she is not even 3 years old yet:

Mummy, the bad men took our car? The police will get it back for us?
Mummy, the bad men didn't shoot us? (This one I had hoped she hadn't heard)
They took your rings? You had two rings? The police will bring them back?

And the heartbreaker for me this morning:
Mummy, will the bad men take me?

OUr answers: Yes, the bad men took our car. We will have to wait and see if the police can find it. No, nobody shot anyone. Yes, they took my rings, Mummy would be very happy to get them back. (Left out that it is impossible) No lovey, the bad men will not take you.

How do I know what she is processing and how much trauma there really is there? She asked why her aunt was crying - because she was scared love. "I was scared too Mummy."

And finally today: "Mummy, I am happy the bad men took our car." Now this doesn't make sense since she also says she wants the car back - I think she is just trying to find out how we will react. I told her I was not happy and that people usually do not like it when bad people take their things.

Its been a week and the questions keep coming which makes me think it was more traumatic for her than I realise - possibly seeing her aunt crying, possibly picking up on our fear. She is fortuantely very verbal so we at least have clues, but how do I know what else to do and what is really affecting her?

Anyone with any ideas - woud love to know what you think may help?

[no5no5]

How scary!

It sounds like you're doing very well. I'd just try to be open, talk about your feelings, talk about what happened, and answer her questions.

DD reacted similarly when I had a miscarriage (while home alone with her). It took her months of talking about it (including spilling the beans with several people who hadn't known that I was pregnant) before she settled it in her mind. Now, she can't even remember it, as far as I can tell. She was 2 1/2 when it happened, and she is 4 now.

Actually, she also reacted similarly, around that same age, when we had something (insignificant) stolen from our yard. She talked endlessly about it.

[karne]

I'm so glad that you are OK-how absolutely terrifying!

My advice is the same for gifted/non-gifted. In the face of trauma, which was vicarious for your dd, what she most needs now is assurance/reassurance that you and your dh are ok/safe and can take care of her. She needs to know that she is safe, that she will be taken care of. She's verbally processing the details that are at the forefront for her right now, but sense of safety is paramount. The curiosity leads back to the same sense of perceived threat/loss and need for reassurance. Being very matter of fact about the details..this happened, and then we did this, and our car is gone but mommy and daddy are safe and with you...may help. Acknowledge your sense of being frightened, her sense, and be aware that what kids can create in their mind without accurate information can be wilder and more frightening than the actual event.

Do you have access to a child therapist? If so, I would make an appointment soon. Even when we think that our kids are handling everything well they desperately need a place of safety to work through their experience. Your dd is very verbal, but often kids her age play out their fears and concerns. A good therapist can help you assess where she's at in terms of working through the trauma. I hope that you have access to such a resource.

Don't be surprised to see regression pop up somewhere. Maybe now, or later....it happens, and can look different for different developmental stages. Also, be aware that at times of stress/change or exposure to any other disturbing event may bring forth some of the fears/questions again.

Best wishes.

[dahlialia]

I'm so sorry you all experienced that!

For my DD, understanding the process of healing would be helpful for her. I would likely tell her that after something scares us we can talk and hug and draw the scared feelings away. That if it is very scary it can take a while. I'd remind her that I have family and friends to help me with my feelings, and she has me and everyone else to help.

I'd probably also reassure her that though sometimes people want to steal things of value, that they didn't want to hurt anyone in doing so. That things can be replaced. And talk about how uncommon it is, even if you are living in a less safe country, I'm assuming this isn't likely to be a regular occurrence for you?

[LittleBattleAxe]

Tanikit, oh wow! I am SO glad that no one was hurt. What a horrible ordeal for everyone. Any chance the person/people that did it will be caught?

It sounds as if you are handling things beautifully; my policy is honesty even when it's uncomfortable, just keep it age-appropriate, and you are doing a great job of it.

Sending out thoughts for a sense of peace, for all of you. Take care!

[whatsnextmom]

So sorry to hear for your scary experience! The good news is your DD talking so much about it is really a GOOD sign. It means she's reaching out for answers, sharing her fears and concerns and processing. She will likely move past it faster and fuller this way. I'd be more worried if she were internalizing it all.

My youngest faces loss and trauma head on like your DD is. He reaches out to others and talks about his fears. He is always at peace long before DD who is stoic and holds it all in. It can be 6 months of bad dreams, restless sleep, irrational fears before she finally starts talking about it. I always know that once she's talking, she's getting close to letting go of the raw grief.

Keep talking and I'm so glad you are all OK!

[Bird Girl]

I am so sorry about your frightening experience!

This doesn't involve anything like your experience, but perhaps it may be helpful...

When we had something taken out of our yard, my Dd became obsessed with searching for "clues" and solving the "mystery." It helped in our case to sympathize with the thief or thieves and ask why they needed it enough to take it. Perhaps your DD would feel a return of control over her life if she read some detective stories or children's mysteries?

[Tjej]

For some reason I can't read the OP, but I think what I have to say might still be reassuring/helpful.

My dog was attacked by a pit bull when we were out on a walk as a family one evening. My 1 1/2yo and 3 1/2 yo saw everything. It was loud and scary and all that. We talked honestly about it and were honest about not knowing why some dogs do bad things (but we did explore possible reasons). Our dog survived, so visiting the vet and seeing her healing process brought things up for discussion fairly often too.

I think that one thing I would have done differently is to not talk about it with other adults around my kids. The kids would have processed it and be okay about it and then we'd be talking briefly about it with people around them over and over and when we talked to other adults our anxiety about it (it could have been one of the kids! type stuff) would come out in tone, if not in words.

Anyway, the kids are fine now (a bit over a year later), but I have noticed that when my DD has matured in different ways it will come up again and she will have new questions or insights into it. I'm still a bit traumatized and have a really hard time walking past the house, but the kids don't bat an eyelash about it.

Tjej

[emilysmama]

How awful for you! I am glad that you are all okay. Just this past Christmas, my parents attended my daughter's school Christmas program. While my dd's class was lining up on the stage getting ready to sing, my father collapsed unconscious in the hallway just outside of the auditorium. Fortunately, my dd was spared of witnessing this, as well as the paramedic's resuscitation attempts, and the chaos of transporting him to the hospital. However, as soon as my dd was done singing, we immediately left to go to the ER. There, during the long night vigil in the ER waiting room, my dd was present each and every time an emergency physician or nurse came to report on his condition. At the time, I thought they spoke with quite a lot of medical jargon, but the following morning it became clear that dd understood almost all of what the physicians said. She had lots of questions, and she spoke them over and over.

I do have one regret. My father passed away the following day, while my dd was in school. My husband and I decided to take dd out of school, take her to a restaurant, have lunch, and then break the news to her. When we arrived at school to pick her up, she instantly figured out something was up, because we never pick her up from school in the middle of day, and in retrospect I think she had a feeling of foreboding. When we finished our lunch and told her, her eyes got wide with a look of horror. So I think I wish circumstances had allowed us to not deviate from her normal structure, and just waited until the school day had ended to take her out of school.

So our dd asked a lot of tough questions, and she asked them over and over and over. So be patient and keep answering them over and over, reassuring her of your security and safety.

I think your child is glad that the car was taken because you are safe.

[HeatherB]

Moved to Parenting...

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I would stop discussing it in front of her. Ask all of your family and friends not to bring it up unless she's not even around. Even if you think she's not listening, she probably will be.

I am 46, and I can remember incidents that happened as early as 18 months. I remember having a huge fear of a crack in the floor. I asked my mom about that floor, and she says we moved out of there before I was two.

I can remember things that seem silly, but at age two, they were traumatic to me. So, I can bet she will remember some details of this no matter what you do.

There are things that you can do to reassure her that she's safe. You can tell her "They only wanted the car.. they didn't want to hurt anybody". "It's bad to take cars, but everybody is OK".

[annettemarie]

Moving to the Toddler forum.

[Tanikit]

Thanks for all the replies. This issue is worrying me quite a bit still. My DD was at work with me yesterday and while I was working she spoke a lot to the receptionist and of her own accord brought up the hijacking in a lot of detail. She said to the receptionist that she is afraid that the bad men would take me or my DH or her and this is not something anyone has ever said around her - she thought it up by herself. Obviously we told her it won't happen. She is also saying at night that she is scared (she doesn't say of what though)

My DH and I go for trauma counselling next week and I will ask what they think. While separation anxiety is normal in 2,5year olds, she is very very clingy at the moment and was crying over the fact that we cannot have our old car back tonight. And while it is easy to say that we should act normally, at the moment both my DH and I are under a lot of stress (there was an attempted robbery at my work only a few days after the hijacking too) and it is showing.

Sorry to hear about all the other traumatic things your children have gone through and your families - thank you for sharing them and how you handled it.

[Tjej]

I can finally read your OP. My how scary! HUGS!

For us the thing has been to accept the talking by the kids. Kids talk about stuff and try it out and try to figure it out outloud. That's just fine. It's not bad that she's talking to the receptionist about it. She's not going to forget this for a long time, and it is a big deal, so she will talk about it with people. I just would limit MY talking about it with other adults in front of the kids if I had to do it all over again, but there's no limiting it from the kids - they have minds of their own!

To put the timing in perspective a bit - our dog was at the vet for almost a week, then home in a crate for two months, then confined to one room for another month or two (it's hard to remember now). The attack was still a topic of conversation throughout all this (so 4 months or so). It got less often and the questions changed, but it was still something we talked about on a regular basis for at least that long.

I think it is also totally okay for you to not pretend everything is normal. It isn't. If you have to cry once in a while to get it out, it's okay if your DD sees you. Do most of the fear/crying stuff when she's asleep in bed, but if it happens and she's up it's okay.

I did a fair bit of validating how the kids felt about it - it's okay that you don't feel like crying, even though it is sad. It's okay to feel scared, it was scary. Etc. Etc. With my kids I tried to only assure what I could control - Mama and Daddy will always do our very best to protect you... I think it made the reassurances more real to them.

Tjej