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Do you ever just get sad and frustrated?

post #1 of 27
5/27/10 at 8:51pm
Thread Starter 
Sometimes I just feel so burnt out and resentful about being a single parent. Not resentful towards my kids, but towards other mothers who have help and support and a partner always there with and for them, helping around the house or with the kids -- just someone to hang out with every night after a long day. I know all the partnered moms say they don't really get much help and they might as well be a single mom, but I have been a partnered mom too and, while I know what they mean, they just cannot imagine how different it really is for single mothers.

Anyway, sometimes I feel really trapped and hopeless and I don't really have anyone who I can relate to. I know a few single mothers but their kids go on visits with their dads (I have mine 100% of the time) and they get child support and there is at least another responsible adult out there invested in their kids and sharing the burden. I know I'm completely rambling. I just wanted to see if there was anyone here who could relate. Thanks for "listening" anyway.

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post #2 of 27
5/27/10 at 9:30pm
I would be lying if I said I didn't. I WISH I didn't, but I do sometimes. I've been partnered, completely solo, and single with an involved dad. Being completley solo is SO so so hard. My oldest daughter hasn't seen her dad in 8 years. He pays his child support(well, it's garnished) and he provides medical but he literally has not set eyes on her since she was 21 months and she'll be 10 in less than 2 months. He held her ONCE and has never fed her or changed her diaper or helped with homework or read her a book, etc. He's completely checked out. I have to say though, even now iwth my kids having a father who's really involved in their lives and talks to them and me daily, I still get sad and angry thinking about moms with partners, involved or not. Maybe it's wrong but I can't help it. I want help. I want to be able to bath one or two while someone else helps the other with homework or be able to cook dinner without kids underfoot hanging on my feet.
post #3 of 27
5/27/10 at 10:05pm
Hugs!

More Hugs!

Hugs is all I can think of, right now!

Hope it helps!

M
post #4 of 27
5/27/10 at 11:42pm
I know exactly how you feel, mama.

Sometimes, parenting alone 100% of the time just plain sucks. You can sugar coat it and remind yourself that partnered parents work hard at their relationships, that some partnerships are tough and brutally uneven in terms of work load, that you wouldn't for the life of you want to have HIM living with you, but... it still plain sucks sometimes.

Lately, I've been struggling with resenting all the people in my kids' lives who visit them, have "fun time", and then leave. I don't begrudge my kids their relationships with extended family, etc., but it just so happens that I do all the work of raising them, and other people get to enjoy them (while I'm usually running around trying to catch up on all the things I'm behind on). Then, as soon as the visitors leave, the kids are all over me, melting down, tearing the house apart, and needing their needs met in spades. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm there with ya. Sending supportive vibes your way.
post #5 of 27
5/27/10 at 11:49pm
Yup, right there with you. I am 100% parenting solo 100% of the time with no other relatives of any kind helping. Ever. It is sooooooo frustrating at times. I just want to take a shower without DS playing at my feet. I know someday I will miss that, but for the love of all that is good in the world, can I just take a freaking shower alone once?

I also stress out when DS gets sick. I don't have any sick days at work, and I am already so insanely low income that missed days mean a huge chunk taken out of my paycheck. I can't get sick myself, because I have to save any sick time for if/when DS happens to get sick. Luckily, we both have been healthy for a while now, but I always am terrified that he or I will be sick for a week or two. It would literally be devastating for us.
post #6 of 27
5/28/10 at 4:19am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie View Post
Yup, right there with you. I am 100% parenting solo 100% of the time with no other relatives of any kind helping. Ever. It is sooooooo frustrating at times. I just want to take a shower without DS playing at my feet. I know someday I will miss that, but for the love of all that is good in the world, can I just take a freaking shower alone once?

I also stress out when DS gets sick. I don't have any sick days at work, and I am already so insanely low income that missed days mean a huge chunk taken out of my paycheck. I can't get sick myself, because I have to save any sick time for if/when DS happens to get sick. Luckily, we both have been healthy for a while now, but I always am terrified that he or I will be sick for a week or two. It would literally be devastating for us.
bolding mine. Oh my goodness YES! The only parenting break I get is after a long trip to my parents house where they do light parenting and I get a bit of a break for a few days. I'm not sure they understand that I am seeking a break from parenting when I go there, they probably think I'm lazy and spend too much time on the computer. And I have a baby sitter for 2 hours a week while I attend group counseling session, which is great, but not my idea of down time. I am the parent 100% of the time. And in my case, I am grateful that I am not in a co-parenting situation with my childs father, but jeez! It's really hard at times. I'd love a shower alone or even a few hours that are completely my own to do what ever spontaneously pops into my mind without considering naptime, food time, potty time....
post #7 of 27
5/28/10 at 4:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pumpkin_Pie View Post
Yup, right there with you. I am 100% parenting solo 100% of the time with no other relatives of any kind helping. Ever. It is sooooooo frustrating at times. I just want to take a shower without DS playing at my feet. I know someday I will miss that, but for the love of all that is good in the world, can I just take a freaking shower alone once?

I also stress out when DS gets sick. I don't have any sick days at work, and I am already so insanely low income that missed days mean a huge chunk taken out of my paycheck. I can't get sick myself, because I have to save any sick time for if/when DS happens to get sick. Luckily, we both have been healthy for a while now, but I always am terrified that he or I will be sick for a week or two. It would literally be devastating for us.
This might not be popular here on mothering, but I take my shower alone every single day. I CANNOT shower with DS, so I don't. He plays very happily in his pack n play with his super cool dump truck (I have no idea why he loves trucks so much) while I shower. He's happy, I get my 5 minutes alone at the beginning of my day so I'm happy - it works! It took some getting used to, but now its perfect, and ds loves it!

And, while I know that I'm lucky that DS's dad is in the picture, but he's also trying REALLY hard to take ds away from me and replace me with his mother (DS's grandmother). It's frustrating, and hard, and terrible, and scary, and I'm having a hard time with it. We're in court every few months right now fighting about everything, and its awful. And, I get no financial help from DS's dad. NONE. He gets visitation, and he occasionally sends DS home with new clothes, but he doesn't give me a DIME. NOTHING. And he wants CUSTODY - FULL CUSTODY!!! Legal AND physical. BY HIMSELF!!! BUT HE WON'T PAY FOR HIM!!!
post #8 of 27
5/28/10 at 4:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by thyra View Post
And he wants CUSTODY - FULL CUSTODY!!! Legal AND physical. BY HIMSELF!!! BUT HE WON'T PAY FOR HIM!!!
Sorry for the thread hijack but can I just say: What a $%?&*"$!!
post #9 of 27
5/28/10 at 4:51pm
Sometimes I wish I knew where my ex was so I could put the kids on a plane to him for creating this mess in our lives and let him clean it up.

yeah, I get frustrated and sad every single day. (hugs)

I wish I had a helpful partner in this.

Good luck to you. I hope it gets easier. We are at about the one year mark with my separation from stbx, so I'm trying to hold out hope that the kids will settle down soon.
post #10 of 27
5/28/10 at 6:13pm
((((hugs))) I can totally empathize!!!

My ex was very involved at the start and I was always wishing he would just go away...he had EOW visitation. When we moved to another state he came semi-regularly and then the monthly visitation just stopped this year. He used to call my DS weekly and now it's hardly on a monthly basis.

Now, man, I sometimes miss having EOW to just take myself down a notch.
Love my kid to PIECES, but even just a monthly weekend break would do me some good.

I'm generally going good, doing all the single momma things until I get a glimpse into another mom's life (who's attached) and realize all I "cope" with being a single mom; all the things I do double duty on...that's when I get overwhelmed. I know I should feel proud that we're doing as well as we are with just the two of us, but, dang, sometimes I get mad that it's just the two of us...sad that it's just the two of us.

Luckily, I get regular financial support, but a helping hand to do laundry while I cook dinner sure would be fantastic!!!

I hear ya....totally.
post #11 of 27
5/29/10 at 9:51pm
I totally relate to that. I usually am very happy to be a single mom and get to make all of the decisions, but sometimes I want a break that I don't get unless I scrimp and save to pay for it. I have to hold myself back when my friend complains about being basically a single mom while calling me while she is out and her son is at home with her husband who supports her as a SAHM. She doesn't seem to get that our lives are drastically different when it comes to children and family.
post #12 of 27
5/31/10 at 6:15pm
it is nice to have people to commiserate with. My ex gets the kids EOW. He pays child support (VERY little, but it helps). However I resent him for leaving me and getting married 6 weeks later. We broke up because he didn't want to settle down and grow up. I still love him tremendously, and he still loves me...I don't date, it doesn't feel right and he doesn't want me to. I am lonely, I have no friends. My sister helps me with my kids, but her "parenting meathod" is yelling, and I detest the way she treats my kids, but when I say something she gets angry and I feel bad. Everyone thinks I am a bad parent because I give in...my oldest is ASD and people don't understand how hard it is! I cry alot. I am depressed...i totally feel alone and it sucks.

That felt so good to get off my chest
post #13 of 27
5/31/10 at 9:23pm
to the OP, yes yes yes.

i initiated the divorce,my exh is wonderful as exh's go, we have 50/50 custody, and I am STILL totally overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed, sad, frustrated...biggest frustration is that i rarely get to enjoy my time with the kids when i do have them because i spend it cleaning, shopping, cooking and am exhausted from work....keep thinking I gotta figure this out *somehow*
post #14 of 27
6/1/10 at 2:16pm
Thread Starter 
Thank you for all the commisseration. It's good to know I'm not alone. I just get so mad that he can get away with never paying any child support too. I don't see how that's legal. I have a case opened against him for it but they don't do anything about it. He knows how to work the system, I guess. And I do empathize with moms who have help and support and breaks, it's just that sometimes I'm so frustrated and I feel like no one realizes what it's really like for me. But then, who really ever knows what it's like to walk in anyone else's shoes, right? Anyway, it's good to see that some people do know what it's like. Thanks!

To all the solo moms with shower issues, I have to say, once they're in school, occassionally, there are times that you are home when they are at school and you can actually take a shower without anyone interrupting you or banging on the door or fights breaking out! It can happen!
post #15 of 27
6/1/10 at 2:27pm
I too can empathize. I have an xh who is 'involved' in that he sees dd Tuesdays for 4 hours and Fridays for about 14 hours. In other words - juuuust long enough for me to have to deal with the hours of "I don't want to go to Daddy's and "I hated my time at Daddy's" before and after, and the few hours I get of quiet don't make up for the stressors of the fight it is to get her there and back.

There must be a special place for single parents in heaven/afterlife/what have you.
post #16 of 27
6/1/10 at 4:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by muse View Post
to the OP, yes yes yes.

i initiated the divorce,my exh is wonderful as exh's go, we have 50/50 custody, and I am STILL totally overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed, sad, frustrated...biggest frustration is that i rarely get to enjoy my time with the kids when i do have them because i spend it cleaning, shopping, cooking and am exhausted from work....keep thinking I gotta figure this out *somehow*
Yup.
post #17 of 27
6/6/10 at 10:02pm
((((HUGS)))))

i understand how you feel...sometimes i have those moments where it would be nice to have a "helpful" partner around, but then i remember how usually the advantages of being a single mom actually have always outweighed the disadvantages..unfortunately i seem to attract the non-helpful guys
post #18 of 27
6/8/10 at 1:35am
I so feel ya. I was married the first 12 years of parenting but it was even worse than single parenting. I get so jealous of those people who have husbands that come home. occaisionally. who smile at them. tell them they are a good mom. share a meal. I long for those things so bad. I never even had them when I was married. I feel like I am running on a treadmill with no relief in sight. Someone ran into me in a parking lot yesterday. a friend came to be rational with me while i waited on the police. he reminded me that it was the other guys fault and it would all be paid for one way or another I did not need to worry, my car would be as good as new (which is great because it has less than 6000 miles on it!!!!) I had held back the tears up untill that point and whimpered "but this is just one. more. thing. " one more thing on what seems like a never ending list of crap. I get one fire put out and two more start. and then my xh is always in there twisting the knife. and to make it worse here we are misreable, having done nothing to deserve this treatment and he is off having the time of his life with the woman he cheated on me with. the woman he left us with. and she gets to play part time mommy to my kids. how is that fair? he has an affair. and he gets everything he wants in life and I suffer. it is not fair. and that is killing me. anyway....(((hugs))) it is so hard not to resent and be angery. we need to rise above it though. be the bigger people. if anyone has any suggestions how to do that feel free.....
post #19 of 27
6/10/10 at 8:35am
Mama Soletera, I could have written your original post. I don't have advice but offer up hugs and "you're not alone." It will get better. It will. It must. We'll make it.
post #20 of 27
6/10/10 at 10:11am
I feel you, totally!

I'm actually pretty lucky because I do get help from my parents. I still have nights where I'm trying to cook dinner for all of us with DD hanging on me becuse Mom is still sleeping and Dad is still at work. lol Night time parenting, still all me, but that isn't anything new.

I definitely feel resentment about partnered women who get to be pampered by their husbands while pregnant. That's a big one for me right now. lol

My babysitter's sister just had a baby and I heard all the stories about how wonderful her husband is and how he would rub her feet everynight and hold her hair when she got morning sickness, etc...

I would kill for a loving partner right now to rub my feet!!! LOL They hurt so bad, and my Mom is like, go pay to have someone massage them... yeah with my over abundance cash flow I'll jump right on that Mom.

So yeah the little things... or to have someone that really cared and that I loved to share all the cute kid things with. Like when I feel the baby tumbling around in there, it's be nice to have someone to share that with and try to figure out what they are doing in there...

Or to share all the new things DD is learning with. Someone who didn't make me want to vomit when I have to talk to them. lol

Oh well... maybe in another life.
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